Well, life hasn't been too easy lately, and it's not over yet. Sometimes, life makes me carry more than I think I can, more that I think I am made to carry. But I carry it, I have to, and it is really hard. It's so heavy, and I am weak, incredibly weak. I guess nobody said that life was going to be easy. I would say something like, how dare life do this to me! But really, that's just the way it goes. These are the times that define us.

I am glad that I memorized this poem, it gave me strength today:


[IF]
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

I'm sorry about being all negative, guys. I should be grateful for the good things in my life, but it's so hard when you feel like this. I know it will pass, and I know that it happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason.

This week needs to end.

I don't say that much, but maaan.

Another paper, Angela? You can't imagine how much I don't need another paper in my life right now. I do not thank you.

no sleep
no practice

That's a good story. I like the part where she gets to go home for spring break. AND SLEEP.

Ever since I first heard it (I was maybe 13 years old at the time), I've said that the Farandole from Bizet's L'Arlesienne Suite would be the theme song for my life, if ever my life had a theme song.

As I sit here listening to it right now, I know that it is still true. What energy the piece has! What joy! It has its tough minor moments, yes, but they never last long. They resolve, and they pass. Before you know it, we're speeding a mile a minute down the road of life again. Endless bliss!

Also, if Philharmonia is really playing the whole 2nd L'Aresienne (or however you spell it) suite, then SCORE ONE FOR ME! Flute solos ahoy! This could be the biggest flute part I have ever played. Awesome.

My life is so exciting.

When you have an awkward moment around someone, do you ever wonder if it is one-sided? Like, maybe the other person (or people) don't feel awkward at all. Does it take two people to have an awkward moment, or can it just be you that feels that way?

Also, is anyone going to be sticking around for this Saturday night? I can't go home until Sunday afternoon, and I reaaaally don't want to spend Saturday night sitting alone in the apartment, feeling sorry for myself. That's what always happens when I have a night to myself. I just sit around and brood.

So anyone up for hanging out this Saturday? I'm serious--if you're available, I really want to hear from YOU. I don't really care who you are--I just don't want to be alone.

I'm feeling a little lonely tonight, for some reason. Luckily, Ms. Jones always makes me feel better. She sings just for me, that's what I think.

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
that comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone

Sweeney is over, and that makes me sad.

It's just a phase, Ashley. It'll pass.

Even though it takes over my life and doesn't let me do anything else, I love playing for Sweeney Todd, and I am going to be very sad when it ends tomorrow. I loved getting to know new people, goofing off, and playing good music. I could do this the rest of my life....maybe.

I would highly recommend lying in the sun and talking with friends for hours at a time.

This weekend is the weekend when every aspect of my life attacks me at once, in perfect unison. This weekend is...the Perfect Storm.

You see (nobody cares, but I am going to write it anyway), I have a paper to write for music theory, a test to study for in german, a project to finish in music tech, and some online assignments and reading to do for economics. In addition, I am recording a bunch of pieces this weekend (probably a total of about 40 minutes of music), and I have Sweeney every day. Oh yeah, and my parents are coming. And I should probably practice my orchestra music sometime. Sooooo.....yeah. Good luck with that, Ashley.

Ashley: Thanks.

Jeez, Past Ashley of the Past, go get some sleep and stop rambling incoherently.

Change change change. There is some new sensation is in me, around me, surrounding me. What is it, what am I doing differently, how am I thinking differently? This isn't one event, but many events and all in the same time frame and it can't be a coincidence, it just can't be, so what has changed, and what is the sensation?

Today I realized how long a day can be. It's amazing how many changes have occured in the 17 hours I've been awake. Such an eventful, varied day for me--highest of the high, and lowest of the low. But tomorrow--tomorrow I am going to wake up as a new person. I will be refreshed and relaxed and ready to go, and I will practice and have girl talk and see my parents, and I will prepare and be prepared. And today will make much more sense, I'm sure, because in retrospect you always see things a little more clearly. It's the result of constant living, of moving forward and not backward. You couldn't move backward, even if you wanted to.

That's what it's all about.

I beat Life. I beat it.

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

Today has been a great day, and I am in the best mood, and I'll tell you why. It's because today a boy told me that I am beautiful.

Think what you want, but that compliment is really uplifting to a girl. I hear cute all the time, and sometimes pretty, but beautiful is really something special. Guys don't say that unless they mean it.

So thank you--and I really mean that.

Zelda is the coolest.

A lot of times, I get the song from Labyrinth Zone from Sonic 1 (yes, the very first one for Sega Genesis) stuck in my head. I don't know why that song stuck with me more than the others, but it did. It's not the worst song to have stuck in you head...

I always have a lot
of things to do.

I went to a party this weekend. A real party, or as real as I've ever been to before. I met some new people, ate a lot of pie, learned about cameras, heard some tube and throat singing, and watched a bunch of people drink a lot and act like idiots. It wasn't half bad.

Sweeney Todd likes to take all my time.

"I'm your friend too, Mr. Todd."

I am Ashley; hear me roar.

Every day during spring break, I plan to:

Sleep in until at least 10:00.
Practice for at least four hours.
Watch a whole or part of a movie.
Ride my bike to the Fay bridge at sunset and take pictures.
Eat dinner with my parents and/or grandparents.
Read for enjoyment!

Other plans include hanging out with my homedawgs such as Erin and Steven...and whoever else decides to be home at the time.

Man, it's gonna be great. I can see it now. Just a few more weeks, Ashley, and then you're home free.

Feb. 15

15 Jahr alt

Since I'm not anticipating a huge amount of Valentine's gifts this year, I decided to treat myself with some chocolate fudge cake. Mmmm! Ya know, every once in a while, you just gotta reward yourself. You may not be doin as well as ya once did, but the circumstances are different. Even through all the blunders and bad choices, Ashley, you're still doin alright. You're doin alright.

Ich bin nass.

:(

Goodbye, good grades.

Don't you know that the things you do
Make a difference to the world?

Brain: Ash, you are stupid.

Well, I'm back from LaGrange. It was a pretty exciting trip as far as Georgia goes. It was a good group of people to be with, I think. Everything went pretty smoothly. We drove there in four hours, had just enough time to eat, practice a little, and get a good night's sleep. The competition was...well...eh. It was a very welcoming atmpsophere, and you could tell that the people running it love to put it together, but I don't think any of the three of us (from FSU) were super excited about how we played.
Personally, I knew as soon as I finished that my performance wasn't going to be good enough to place at all. But that's okay--this competition is a point on the line to my ultimate destination, that is all. I had a feeling coming into this that I wasn't going to be the best person there. I never seem to do well in competitions with other instruments involved, for some reason. Anyway, after we all played, we ate and made the 4 hour trek back to Tallahassee, and that was that. A 28 hour trip in all, with much experience gained and much money lost.

Some interesting observations:
-Everyone in Georgia has a southern accent--even the kids.
-No parking in Georgia. ANYWHERE. EVER. Those no parking signs are all over the place.
-I think we must have passed three John Deere factories/stores on the way there.
-One time, I went 80 mph in a 15 zone. Oops!
-Georgia was REALLY COLD!!!

We played the 20 questions (or, as I play, unlimited questions) game on the way back, and that always gets a good laugh or two, especially with questions like "Does it have things sticking out of it?"

I don't know what I am going to do tonight. I feel like being useful, but at the same time I just feel like going to sleep and not waking up until tomorrow.

Hey, I am blogging...
in GEORGIA.

And there are many people running around the hotel.

The end.

Me: "I have two tests tomorrow that I should be studying for, but instead I am sitting around, eating cookies, and checking facebook."
Craig: "That's just as good."

Tomorrow: two very important tests and four hours of driving.

Saturday: a competition with 15-minute memorized program...and then four more hours of driving.

Sunday: the homework for the weekend and a three and a half hour Sweeney rehearsal.

Bring it on, Life.

Contrary to popular belief, lightning very commonly strikes the same place twice.

It's a happy time in the life of Ashley. I'm finally doing well in (and enjoying) my classes, I finally have a couple of knockout ensembles to play with, I've caught up on sleep, I have enough to practice to always keep me moving forward, always keep me on edge, always thinking that I sound okay but that I can reach higher (I can always reach higher), and of course, always always my friends are amazing. Near and far, you know who you are. Thank you all for your love.

Ah, but what would that all be worth if I didn't have this fire inside me?

Gosh, this life that I have been given, how about this life, eh? I don't have much to complain about, I'll tell ya that. I say, I'll tell ya that.

Unrelated--today a couple of students were going door-to-door rasing money by selling magazines. At one point when they were talking to me, they were wondering how old I was. They were like, "how old are you...23? 24?" I said I was ninteen and the guy was like
".......oh. well, you act mature."
okay, what??
1) I act mature???
2) I look 23 or 24???
I can't remember the last time someone has mistaken me for being older than I am. Most people think I am at least three years younger than my age.

Just thought I'd share.

Oh yeah, and I made $40 tonight for playing in a musical rehearsal for three and a half hours, and yes, I think I will rub it in. I'm gonnna be rich!!

I just came to a conclusion:
I am really lame.

Have you ever met someone and learned about him bit by bit? And the more you learn about him, the more, you realize, there is to know. And you end up wondering...you have to wonder...who IS this guy? What is his story? What makes him tick? Why does he do what he does?

What crazy set of circumstances could create such a person?

You know, I haven't practiced my excerpts...

...and I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling studio classes!!

Hey, in the past three days, I've had 12 and a half hours of rehearsal, and it's AWESOME. (I'm being serious). The musicians here that I work with are so gooooood. It's exhilerating. Really. I love my job.

Okay, well. Blogger MADE me transform my account into a google account, so now my template is all messed up (the kitty is gone!) and the archives are missing. STUPID BLOGGER.

I'll try to fix it.

All you need is love.

Hey guess what...I'll be playing for Sweeney Todd on Valentine's Day this year. Sweet!!

Well, everything is finally coming together and settling down. I knew it would happen eventually. I just had to trust.

First Sweeney rehearsal tonight 7:00-10:30

Yup.

I am friends with Sweeney Todd on facebook, lol. I am so glad I get to play for it. It's gonna be great. In addition, I know the four most main characters--Sweeney, Ms. Lovett, Anthony, and Johanna. Three of them were in the conducting class I just left. I feel special. Even if this is a college production, there is some amount of stardom.

yay Sweeney Todd <3
(we'll see if I'm still saying that in a couple weeks)

It's really coming down! Luckily, I brought an umbrella to school today. Still, I had to step in a puddle as deep as my ankles. My sneakers are completely soaked. It's just like I said...

February makes me think of the happenings of long ago. I can't help it. That pre-spring scent is inescapable.