So...life is hard sometimes. Today was just one of those days. Believe me when I say I took a nap at 8:00 PM and now I'm going to the practice rooms for the first time today. Lord beer me strength.

P.S. Don't get 4 hours of sleep before a graduate presentation or you will find yourself inserting the words "OH DANG!!!" into your speech.

24 is not enough

So...it's 4 in the morning and I'm cataloging every recording of the William Tell overture that exists. Yay grad music classes.

Dad: "They just announced who's playing for the halftime show of the superbowl."
Me: "Who?"
Dad: "Yeah."

Oh dad...he probably thought about how to make that joke for a long time.

This break was everything that a break should be. It's wonderful to have two homes that I love now. I'm not leaving with any regret. You guys don't know how awesome that is. Well, maybe you do.

Goodbye, swamp. Hello, desert. I'm ready to rock. (And by rock, I mean play a lot of classical flute.)

Sunday secrets can wait until I get back...

It's so loud in this house. I'm getting headaches.

Ah, how many nights like this have I had in my life, and how they bring me such joy. Just hangin' with the gang. We really have something truly special here in ol' Titusville. I don't know how many of us know just how special it is. I'll probably always feel at home when I'm here, even if my "home" is somewhere else.

Friendship is underrated. Mostly, I think, because many people have not experienced true friendship and how wonderful it can be. I have.

So my mom got a wii and my family spent a good 3 hours tonight playing wii games.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I'm home in Titusville. It's kind of strange. It feels like forever since I've been here, but really it's only been a few months. My mom got me a new bedspread and sheets. They smell like a store, and they're on my Tallahassee bed. It's weird, it feels like I'm sleeping in somebody else's bed.

Can't wait to see the gang again. I got like 6 phone calls within 2 hours from my friends today. I was bombarded! I feel so loved here :) And at long last we will meet again!

Do you ever miss the person that you used to be? I do sometimes. We try to stay grounded, we try to retain ourselves, to not get lost in the people we surround ourselves by...but we can't help the change. It's going to happen; it's always happening.

I'll be home for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I can't wait to see all my family and friends! But so much has changed already, with me here in Arizona. These are life-changing months. Not epic-ly life-changing. But enough.

I finally feel pretty normal again. Yay! And I'll be home in two days! DOUBLE YAY!!!

Sigur Ros, you're too beautiful.

Missing finals today, sadface.

Ventured to school today. First time I've been out of the apartment for three whole days. I played flute too. I don't sound as bad as I thought I would, and I'm not getting dizzy or anything crazy like that. Good news.

Recovery is a long process, I only feel marginally better day-to-day. I'll get there eventually. Don't stop believin', right? I'll mostly be looking forward to the day when I'm not coughing up...stuff. TMI, I know.

Finals tomorrow are up in the air for me. Most likely I will not be able to play. Gosh, I miss ultimate.

Pray that my temperature doesn't spike again tonight.

Also, I think I may have become a catalyst for an ASU-FSU flute connection. I'm a little proud of that.

My fever has dissipated! Woo! I'm on the road to recovery and will probably be back at school tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I had the swine flu. Apparently it only lasts a few days, but it really kills you for those days. I don't think I've ever felt so terrible in my life. I was totally incapacitated yesterday. The only way I can describe it is it felt like I was paralyzed, but able to move with lots and lots and lots of effort. Just getting up to go to the bathroom was a arduous feat.

Well, I feel well enough to play tetris now, so...

I slept like 19 hours yesterday.

Still sick, my temperature is rising to above 102 now. uuuuuuughghghghuhguhguhguhguhg

Being terribly sick + having my period + being stressed out because I know I'm missing important things trying to recover = life is dumb sometimes

Pray for my health please, friends.

I don't really understand what's happening right now. I feel like David after the dentist. Is this real life?

I guess Webern'll do that to ya...

I'm happy.

Today: student's recital and Phoenix Symphony. Oh yeah!
Tomorrow: All day hiking! Up a MOUNTAIN! Squaw Peak this time. Yessss!!!

It's amazing how proud I am of my students already, after only a month and a half. However, I'm beginning to learn that there is much more to teaching flute than just teaching flute.

"I don't really like to do dynamics."
-one of my students

Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?

So I have two funny little stories from today:

1) We were playing that U2 piece in band, and there's a section where I have a semi-solo. The band director stopped us and told the band how much he loved my playing and asked me to demonstrate it for everyone. I then demonstrated, but played one of the rhythms wrong. He told everyone that even though it was wrong, it was very convincing. Maybe you had to be there, but it was a funny moment. He asked me to play it again, and I did it right the second time...and then everyone spontaneously clapped for me. What? (As a sidenote, band here is really great. It's pushing me higher, makes me think.)

2) I've met some VOTS ultimate kids who play in the Phoenix Symphony. They have a bunch of comp tickets for this weekend's concert (John Adam's Nixon in China, I am so excited), and they offered them out to the ultimate community. Of course I jumped at the chance to see the PSO for free, so I got added to the list. Today these symphony players sent a email out to the ultimate people who requested tickets. The first order of business was to inform us: no heckling.

The song I heard on the radio this morning: Don't Look Back

Oh life...you are such a mystery sometimes.

Top 3 Bands:
1) Sigur Ros
2) Vampire Weekend
3) U2

We're playing a piece in band based on the chords and ostinato in "Where the Streets Have No Name" by U2. That's my favorite song by U2. I used to listen to it in my angst-y high school teen days, and it brought me such release from the pressure. I think we all found solace in music at that age. Anyway, I am really excited about playing this piece. It's beautiful.

Well, Cheaper than Gold finished our last regular season game tonight with another win. We ended the season 7-3 and successfully clinched the second-place seed for playoffs that start next week. It's so cool that it's my first season with VOTS and I got placed on such a talented team. I've had a great time every Tuesday, and we really do have a chance of taking it all, you know. Too bad I have a recital the day of finals...

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day, so no school! Instead, I'm going to climb Camelback Mountain again with some music kids. Woo! MOUNTAINS!

All of my Halloween candy is gone. Sad day. (Although having candy around is truly a terrible idea in my case). Time to get healthy again.

I went to bed last night at 10:30 and woke up at 8:30 this morning. If you know me at all, you know that this is totally out of character. All work and no rest makes Ashley a tired girl.

If I were the superstitious kind, I would believe that dreams wouldn't come true if you reveal them to people.

Dear Mom,
I met a girl. I've been hanging out with her a lot lately, and I have to tell you, mom...I can't stop thinking about her. She's this real little thing, but I find her smallness endearing. She's cute as a button! She checks off everything on my list: she's smart, kind, and very witty, always surprising me. She loves music (even classic rock!) and she plays ultimate. We have even the same sense of humor! In short, she's amazing! The only thing is, she's a Yankees fan. I want to go out with this girl so badly, I am so attracted to her...but she's always wearing Yankees gear, reminding me of how the Yankees won the world series. I never thought I would fall for a Yankees fan, so I never considered what I would do if this ever happened. I don't know what to do, mom. I'm so confused. Do you have any advice for me? Did you ever have this same problem?

--A confused boy

This weekend was SO UNPRODUCTIVE--and for the same reason, it was SO AWESOME! Today I climbed Brown's Peak, no. 1 of the Four Peaks. It took a while to get there and even longer to hike--I think we ended up hiking for about 4 or 5 hours. It was awesome and, at times, quite difficult.

I love seeing the challenge in front of me, feeling daunted, yet knowing that there is always a solution. Looking up to see the vertical collection of rocks, wondering how I will ever be able to reach the top. Finding a solution, and using my body to get me to where I want to go. It's empowering--it's gratifying--nobody can help you to do this. The view at the top was breathtaking. Mountain ranges in one direction, valleys in another direction, a river in the third--I won't soon forget those images in my mind. A true beautiful American landscape.

We somehow didn't give ourselves enough time to get back before dark (I think it's because of my slow pace on the way down--but other things factored in as well), so the whole last hour or so, we were hiking without being able to see tripping rocks, slapping tree branches with thorns, or scattered pebbles that have a peculiar gift for making our feet slide out from under us on the downward path. It was cool though--I felt like a real adventurer. How many times do you get to go hiking in total blackness? Anyway, I felt safe enough that my buddies would take care of me if anything happened.

When we reached the parking lot, the night presented us with an extra special treat--a sky with no light pollution, filled with millions of glistening stars. I'd never seen a sky like that before, never in my life. So beautiful. It was a perfect end to certainly a very memorable trip.

I'm climbing up a MOUNTAIN again tomorrow! And apparently this time it will be more dangerous. I am SO EXCITED!!! Let's hope that I don't die!

Strange face, with your eyes
So pale and sincere
Underneath, you know well
There is nothing to fear.

Friday league, man. It seems like I'm either really happy or really upset after every game. I was upset after today's game. I'm not going to explain why.

Other than that, though...God is good to me. Really good.

I just finished the latest episode of Project Runway. I like that show a lot: it's about fashion design, a creative art. If you like art, you will probably like fashion too--the only difference is that you can wear this art!

Anyway, this week's episode was the second-to-last episode. All of the less talented designers have been eliminated already; there were 5 left and only 3 went on to the "final round." It really hit home for me. These people put their hearts and souls into these designs, and they're all very talented, but two had to have their hope and dreams crushed. How many times have I been there--how many times have I been told, you're good, but not good enough? You are clearly very talented, but you need more training....you have a strong turnout, but these three other people were stronger.

At that point, you have to ask yourself, what can I do anymore, if my best isn't good enough?

It hurt me to watch these people get rejected in this way. I know exactly what it feels like. It's almost cruel. And how can you rate art, anyway--how can we objectively say that one person's idea is better than another person's idea?

Life is good.

THE YANKEES WIN! THE YANKEES WIN!! THE YANKEES WON THE 2009 WORLD SERIES!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I just wish I could experience this with my dad. I guess that's what phones are for.

I caught the common cold.

I can't stop sneezing!

3-1 Yankees for the series!!! I am SO excited! Today could be the day that they take it all! THE 2009 WORLD SERIES!!!

Man, I wish I could watch with my dad. It's just not the same watching with two people who hate the Yankees...

No matter. I'll cheer my heart out during this (possibly) last game. GO YANKEES!!!!

Yesterday was fun. My main men did me proud, I got a nice call from Danny and Sam, and I followed through with my idea of dressing up as a 13-year old girl. And apparently I pulled it off all too well:

K: "What are you?"
A: "I'm a 13-year old girl."
K: "For real, or is that your costume?"

(The retainer was the kicker.)

I dreamt about Harbor City Gymnastics last night. About my coach Ally and all of my gym friends. So sweet, so innocent those days were.

When I dream about gymnastics nowadays, it's always set in the present. I go back to the gym to do gymnastics as a hobby, not to be competitive. (People don't do gymnastics as a hobby. It's all or nothing for that sport.) But I go back, I re-learn all the skills that I once knew, and I have a great time. Those dreams are wonderful, but when I wake up I just end up missing something that I did truly love. That's the problem with dreams. They remind you of the good times, remind you that they no longer exist.