I love how God made us all so different and unique. It takes all kinds to make the world go round, even the people you don't think it takes. I believe this. Every late night conversation I have opens up a new exploration into the human mind, and I learn so much every time. Although I understand very little of what I do not posess myself, I am able to observe the forces at work in others. I find it challenging and wonderful to delve so deeply into the brain of another. It amazes me, the information and perception I can gather in a single conversation. And everything I was previously ignorant of. Had no idea that it even existed. I can see clearly. It makes sense.
It just amazes me how differently people are made. How I can have a reaction to an event and somebody else can have a completely different reaction. I don't know. It's crazy and wonderful.

I may have saved more than one life tonight.

I don't even know why I'm writing in here right now. I should be practicing.

Give up?
Never!

My tone doesn't sound awesome like it used to. Sometimes tones die for a couple days, I know that it's normal, but this has been more than a couple days. I want my dang tone to sound better, and I don't know how. I can't seem to get the same sound out of my flute as before. It's all airy now...and I used to pride myself on not having a stupid airy tone like all others out there...

Flute, you're going to have to work with me here.

Also, my teacher's solutions for the double tounging quandary just don't work for me. Maybe I have a very different mouth than everyone else. I don't know.

I just ate a whole bag of popcorn.

I'm going to have a lesson!

FURTHERMORE,
Colin is at Interlochen!!!!!!!

I opened my front door, ready to walk out to my car and drive to my lesson.
I saw no car in the driveway.
I remembered that my mom is using my car because the other is in the shop.
I calmly called my mom's cellphone.
I got voicemail.
I called my mom's work phone.
I got voicemail.
I called my mom's office.
Nobody picked up.
I called my mom's cellphone again, and left a message.
I'm not going to make it to my lesson this week.
BOOOOO.
And it will somehow be my fault.

Have you ever noticed that when people are mad, they scream at you whether you deserve it or not? They just need to get their anger out, and you happen to be there to let it out on.
I know that this will happen today.

I just wish I could have a lesson.

:(

No matter what,
I'm on your side.

I was sitting outside one day
When I saw the most beautiful entity
One white cloud among many gray
Floating in the sky so gently

Rays of light flowed through the gaps
Like the lace décor of a dress
Small droplets of water fell onto my lap
Who deserves to be so blessed

So pleasant, bright, and pure
I was thoroughly enraptured
Under a spell with no cure
My soul was instantly captured

My heart was filled with grief
For I knew it could never be my own
The sight was lovely but brief
My eyes couldn’t see where it was blown

Perhaps it was best this way
So others could enjoy its splendor
But without it all my skies are gray
For that cloud, there is nothing I wouldn’t render
-Anon Nemus

WOW!

MOM
TOOT,
DAD
POP,
PUP
POOP
A
RACECAR.

YAY!

DEED
DID
A
NOON
GIG.

OTTO
GAG
HANNAH.

TOT
REED.

HUH?

ASHSHA
BANANAB
SCHOOLOOHCS
DROOLOORD
BEEB
TUPUT
ILLI
CATAC
LIKIL

MY NAME IS ASHLEY AND I SAY STUFF.

AHH

I don't even know.

I ran out of time to practice my excerpts today. AGAIN.
Stop distracting me, Life.
I really do need to practice.

I am sick of not being able to double tounge well, and now I'm going to do something about it.

I will turn my weakness into a strength.

The Who makes my life better.

I had a dream last night, and it was weird and scary. It involved waking up next to a strange man who kidnapped me because a prophecy was told through music and only I could interpret the music correctly to actually know the meaning of the prophecy.
Yup.

The leads in Beauty and the Beast sound pretty good from what I can hear.

Okay so my computer has been acting up lately, pulling all kinds of jokes, such as randomly shutting programs down, pulling the "is not responding" trick, freezing, not opening the cd drives, not opening programs, etc (you get the picture). So my mom decides to get a new one. The new computer was installed today, and my mom tried to print something, only to discover that the new computer has brought with it NEW PROBLEMS. I just sort of slipped away as the anger built. It just goes to show you that even if you get a WHOLE NEW COMPUTER, there will always be problems.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side, you know.
As for me, I'd rather have a flower garden.

I need to stay up really late for the next two weeks because I won't be able to stay up late when I have to get up at eight. Hey that rhymes. With the March of dimes. All the times. On the mountain I climbs. Okay I'm done. Being done is pretty fun. Hey look I won! Please don't shoot me with a gun. I know I know it's the worst pun. Seriously now, it's all over. Wouldn't you rather play Red Rover?

Brain: Shut up.
Me: I like to rhyme. Like Fezzik.
Brain: Go to bed.
Me: Make me!
Brain: sigh...oh Ashley...when will you learn?
Me: Learn what, Mr. All-Knowing Brain?
Brain: shut up and go to bed
Me: No.
Brain: Yes.
Me: I will not.
Brain: What are you going to do all night, then? You've disowned AIM, you're too tired to practice...
Me: I can still play spider solitare.
Brain: You are the stupidest person even. Go to bed, you will be happy when you wake up and it's still morning.
Me: Don't tell me what to do. You don't KNOW me!
Brain: Ashley, I'm your brain. I know you better than anything else.
Me: No you don't! You're not the boss of me!
Brain: Actually I am.
Me: I DO WHAT I WANT! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
Brain: good, now I've got you screaming..wonderful...
Eyes: We are pretty tired, Ash. Maybe you should do what the sqishy guy says.
Brain: Exactl...wait...squishy guy?!? Since when am I referred to as "squishy guy?" I'll have you know that I am the most respectable part of the body!
Heart: Hey guys, did you hear that? He said he's the most respectable part of the body! Hahaha!

Rest of body roars with laughter

Heart: You don't even know what you're doing half the time! You make all the mistakes!
Brain: You should be the one to talk, Heart. Remember the time when you...
Heart: All right, all right. I've made my share of mistakes too. But you still make more than me.
Brain: Do not.
Heart: Do too.
Brain: Do not.
Heart: Do too.
Brain: If I make more mistakes, then why does Ash turn to me more than you, huh?
Heart: Because you have more opportunity! Duh!
Brain: Fine. Have it your way, Heart. I know who is really correct. After all, I am a brain.
Heart: You know nothing. You don't even know what you don't know. You're pathetic.
Me: Okay guys, I don't mean to end your fun, but please stop fighting.
Heart: Hey, he started it
Brain: Did not

Heart and Brain continue to fight

Me: STOP! Can't you two just get along?
Heart and Brain together: NO!
Me: Well you're sure making things hard for me...

My Heart and Brain don't get along.

I am quitting Cracker Barrel. I got a job in the Brevard County Health Dept archiving files. 8 AM-5 PM every day.
I gave my two weeks notice today. It felt pretty good.

Everything else is going pretty well. I'm no longer in the trough. It's an upward climb from here on.

I've just started to become a teenager.

I'm thinking about the people I met at orientation and I'm thinking that college is going to be pretty good.

At orientation, they gave us each a little slip of paper and asked us to write a goal or belief on it. I wrote "I believe that nothing is impossible."

You know I believe it.

Dangit why are the excerpts so hard? No matter. I will work harder than anyone else. I will not let this challenge master me.

Anything you can do, I can do better.
I can do anything better than you.

Piccolo is a pretty fun word to say in a funny voice.

I vocalized some of my circumstances. It made me feel better but it didn't really change anything.

Ask and you shall recieve.

Today was a good day.

I've never understood how, if a person has truly prayed for something, he could still deny the presence of God. Every prayer I have ever uttered with true meaning behind it has been answered. God listens. I know He does. I have seen it. I have personal evidence that cancels out all opposition. I believe in the power of prayer, and I always will.
People vastly, vastly underestimate the power of prayer. I believe prayer is the most powerful and important tool to every person. Period. And I wonder why and how some people do not utilize it.

Let us build the city of God

May our tears be turned into dancing

For the Lord, out light and our love

Has turned the night into day.

I've noticed that on online journals, whenever someone writes "cool people" it is really code for "the guy/girl I like."

I want my new life NOW.

I don't want to wait anymore.
I don't want to be sad anymore.

I want to be free.
I want to start over.

How?

I don't even know.

When making out my schedule at orentation, I actually began fishing for classes. I had to resort to taking flute choir to have enough hours. I will drop it, of course, when I put lessons on my schedule. But man.

HEY
It's raining.

AND I NEED TO PRACTICE.

Where is all this anger coming from?

Orientation was HOT, BORING, and UNEVENTFUL. Well, except for the time when my mom accidentally put lotion in the conditioner container and I smothered it all over my hair and...well...the outcome wasn't too great.
And except for the guy who juggled and did the robot and ate fire and gave a presentatoin like a very well-written book.
I like how he turned failure into a positive thing. It really appeals to me.

ALSO
I signed up for a NUTRITION class to fufill one of my science requirements.
I was in Clint's Eastwoods.
I met lot of people in the school of music.
I saw my room, and it was big.

ALSO, one of the days, I didn't get to practice and it REALLY TICKED ME OFF. How can there be a school of music orientation that takes up the whole day to not allow you to practice?

And now, I am EXTREMELY TIRED, FRUSTRATED WITH MY PLAYING, and SICK AND TIRED OF LECTURE AFTER LECTURE but I'm sure that nobody cares.

I don't know what to say.
We're all so dang unworthy.
I can't even believe what I almost did today.

SALVAGE WHAT YOU HAVE.

I'll be in Tallahassee the next three days for orientation.

Is Krakhonia a country?

There is a character in the Lord of the Rings named Gorbag.
Just had to let you know.

I am meeting my roomate today. We are having a mother-daughter dinner meeting thing.
Yup.

When I was young I ate four dozen eggs every day to help me get large.
But now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs, so I'm roughly the size of a barge.

Okay I just have to rant about how awesome someone is.

Okay so my piccolo is working fine, but one note has been the "trouble note," being more difficult than usual to get out. It's been like this for a long time, probably for a couple months. At first I just thought it was me, but it got worse, and so I started searching my piccolo for flaws. Finally, a few days ago I think I found something that might be the problem, so I decided to take it in to the shop.
So today I head over to brass and reed and I describe to Charlie what is going on. He examines the piccolo for a second, says "Yeah, that's probably the problem," and takes it to his back room. I expected to be there for a couple minutes, but it only took about a minute before he was back with the piccolo in hand. He handed it to me and said "Try it out." So I played the trouble note with no trouble at all. It was fixed.
I ask him how much it's going to be, and he says, "Nothing."
"Really?" I ask.
"Yeah," he says, "That was a little fixture."
And now it's playing better than ever.

Charlie fixed my piccolo and didn't charge me for it.
Charlie is the man.

Ron upon hearing about women's emotions:
"One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode."

I spose I should write something today.
Oh well.

Sit right back and I'll tell ye a tale of chicanery and woe...
So my mom finds a coupon (buy one get one free) for two Three Musketeers bars, and she gives it to me, figuring that I would be more apt to use it than her.

Pretty innocent, huh? Keep reading.

I am in Wal-Mart today, picking up pictures, and I remember that the coupon is in my purse. So I pick up two Three Musketeers and head to the self-checkout line, remembering the screen that pops up offering a chance to use any coupons. I scan the two candy bars, not thinking twice. I choose my method of payment, cash, wondering when the coupon screen is going to pop up. I take a ten dollar bill out of my wallet, give the money to the machine, and am given my reciept, all without any offer to use a coupon. I'm mad at this point. I remembered a coupon screen popping up! I just got ripped off. However, since each candy bar is only 48 cents, I resign to paying for both candy bars and head home, ripping up my coupon on the way. After all, four full-sized Three Musketeers can't be good for you.

But the story is just beginning.

I'm driving in my car on the way home. I'm thinking about the injustice of it all. I just spent 48 cents that I didn't have to spend! "Well," I think, "at least it's only 48 cents." But wait...was it only 48 cents? I had put a ten dollar bill in the machine. Did I ever take the change? I had to have taken the change...ten dollars is to much to ignore. But I doubt myself, so at the next light, I pull out my wallet and search for the change I should've had. Needless to say, the change wasn't in my wallet. It seems that in my rage for lack of a coupon screen, I forgot to take my change.

And that, my friends, is how I ended up paying ten dollars for two candy bars.

-------------------------------------------

My roomate next year is named Sarah Lawerence and is a voice major from Merritt Island High School. Anyone know her?

78gt583wygfuy8723q8h COMPUTER

READ THESE BOOKS:
1) Great Expectations (Charles Dickens)
2) The Scarlet Letter (Nathaniel Hawthorne)
3) The Princess Bride (William Goldman)
4) Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
5) A Little Princess (Frances Hodgson Burnett)

I've been thinking, and these five are my absolute favorite [stand alone] books so far.

Great Expectations ranks the very top because of everything about it. The characters, the interwoven plot, the genius of it all. It really has everything. I can't even believe that book exists. When I got to the end of it, and everything finally came together, I had to put the it down and take a moment of amazement. What a work of art. I will warn you, it looks long and imposing to read, but if you're anything like me, you won't be able to put it down.

The Scarlet Letter is again a masterpiece. Such a range of emotions, this book really keeps you on your toes. The description in it is excellent, better than anything I've read. I really fell in love with the characters. It touches me a lot personally because it is so deeply intertwined with religion, and that gives it so much more meaning for me. One part in particular haunts my memory: the author is decribing a character who is, in essence, the devil, and it freaked me out so much that I had to stop reading for a while. The book has such meaning, and that's why I love it above all the others.

The Princess Bride is awesome. There's no other word for it. I have read this book four times, I believe, and it's funnier every time I read it. It doesn't take very long to read, but it makes you so elated when you read it that you just want it to go on and on and on. This book made the list soley on humor and awesomeness. You will constantly be asking people to read little sentences during the time you are reading this, I promise you. It's that good. Trust me, it's number three on the list. You don't want to miss out on reading this.

Pride and Prejudice makes number four. It has a lot of witty humor, but that is not the best part of the book (by far). The reason this book stands above the others is its impeccable ability to make us one with the main characters. We definitely feel what they feel; we are hurt when they are hurt, and we rejoice when they are happy. And okay, I will admit that I am a sucker for a good love story. So sue me. The thing about this love story is that is isn't totally unreasonable like other classics I have read: it actually decribes the development of love, and I believe a developed love is much more relevant to the real world than the sudden, unexplained passion shown in other tales. In other words, I can relate to it more.

A Little Princess, rounding it off at number five, is a charming tale. Heart warming. A classic. I feel warm all over when I read it (it takes only an hour or so to read). It's very simple, and it creates the sensation that you've entered old time England. There's no romantic love in this one, but there is a special tale of ultimate kindness and magic that is so memorable that I have to rank it with the other four. I have also read this book about four times, and I always recommend it to people but they never listen to me. Read this! It will make you happy!

And those are the five best (so far). Somebody read these please. They are awesome.

Man.
I love the feeling I get after a long, hard practice session. There's really nothing better, feeling like I've actually DONE something instead of just floating through life like usual. And I love learning all these pieces the excerpts are from. They rock! I needed new music. I've had the same collection for a while.

I am so going to be ready when the time comes. I just love devoting more and more time to flute and music. I love the feeling!

God has answered my prayers, as usual.

It amazes me the amount of recordings I've listened to in which the flute players play horribly out of tune...it's like they can't even hear it.

Some of my requested CDs came from the library. One of them is a Rimsky-Korsakov CD. I have listened to most of it and discovered that I really enjoy his music. I've never really had a chance to listen to much Rimsky-Korsakov in the past; he was always kind of an "eh" composer to me. But his music is really unlike anything I've heard before. I like it.

I'm re-reading Harry Potter 5 and it's pretty sweet.

I feel like crying, and I have no idea why.

Yes, this summer is different from all the rest.

I wish I could've gone to Bible study tonight.

I saw Star Wars with my dad today.

My dad is awesome in movies because he is half deaf and he doesn't know how loud he is really speaking, so whenever he says something everyone can hear it. In the middle of the movie, he went "Gotta love Yoda."

:)

I MISS INTERLOCHEN.

My junior year, I played the finale (mvt. 4) of a symphony in all-county orchestra. It was Kallinikow's first symphony, and I played the second flute part. I really enjoyed playing the piece, and I enjoyed (and still enjoy) listening to the CD of us playing it (even though it is all-county quality).

Today, I heard the whole symphony on the radio. And all I can say is wow. I had no idea that the piece was so awesome. I couldn't wait for the every note. I actually got chills listening to a recording. A RECORDING! The piece is so exciting, so very Russian. The second movement is absolutely breathtaking. I remember hearing the first couple notes of the second movement, and my heart melting on the spot. How can something be so beautiful? I couldn't help but smile the whole time I was listening. The fourth movement (the one I played) is really awesome because it ties together all the themes of the other movements is such a seamless fashion. I had already been very familiar with the fourth movement, so listening to the whole symphony really helped me make sense of it ("Oh! So THAT'S where that theme came from!")

I have so so so much more appreciation for the piece now. My point is, I knew nothing about the piece from playing the second flute part for a couple days. I liked the piece but I did not love it. I actually had no idea what mysteries were hidden inside those pages. And from listening to the piece once--ONE TIME--I learned all that I confess now.
The moral of the story is that you learn so little about something with a superficial glance. You must see the whole thing to fully appreciate it.

And I'm quite sure that if I heard the piece or played the piece again, I would learn and love it even more.

I'm so glad that I got a chance to hear that. I'm a lucky person.

Well, I didn't have dreams about being eaten alive by sharks (at least I don't think I did), so that's good.

Tonight, I am going to have nightmares about being eaten alive by sharks.

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!
It happens over and over and over and over and over and over. And when I think it will stop, it happens again. When is it going to stoooooopppppp??????????????


ANYWAY
Yesterday when I was working (work story oh nooo!) the two other hostesses were talking and blocking me out of their conversation because they don't like me. So I was amusing myself by thinking about random things and playing with the pens. Once I heard a snippet of their conversation and they said something like "two of the kids were twins." And I had the sudden urge to yell out "Like Luke and Leia!" so I yelled it out. And they just ignored me. And because they ignored me, I couldn't stop laughing for a good two minutes. And I think I made them mad because I was laughing.
It's really a wonderful atmosphere, as you can tell.

I was GOING to write that I am the most ridiculous person in the world but my plan was foiled when I went to work and I realized that it's just not true.

I downloaded a bunch of pennywhistle tunes, and now I will play them.
Right after I practice, of course.

Every time I eat cornbread, I expect to like it, only because I remember liking it before. And I am suprised when I bite into it and find that don't like it. But by the end of the time I am eating it, I say "Hey...that wasn't too bad. Maybe I'll have another."

Last night, I used my Cracker Barrel employee discount, my wal-mart gift certificate, and my regal cinemas gift certificate. IN ONE NIGHT! I am the man. Woah man. Wo man. Woman.

Have you ever thought you knew something about yourself and then proved yourself wrong?

Soooooo...yeah. It's 2:00 at night and I feel trapped. All the past summers I felt so free, at least at night. But not this summer. For some unknown reason, I feel an obligation to go to bed reasonably early.
I know it for sure now: I do have a fear of not getting enough sleep. I think it could be diagnosed. There were so many times in my past that I was so extremely overworked, forced to do things with little sleep, and I may have concluded that tired is the worst feeling in the world. I've experienced it so much in my past, and I've come to hate it. Fear it, even. What can you do well when you're tired? Nothing! (except sleep).
I mean, seriously, if I lose an hour of sleep, I freak out. Most of the time this past year, I went to sleep at exactly 10:00 and woke up at exactly 6:00. If I lost any minutes, I would have to make them up the next day. It's bad. But at least it keeps me healthy. I spose.

Divorce Court:
"He's everything my husband isn't: smart, intelligent, educated..."

What they didn't know was that I left early so I could practice...

Well, today I recieved my audition music for FSU fall term. It's really going to be a lot of work to learn all this stuff, not to mention perfecting it for an audition. The challenge has inspired me to work even harder. I've hit the ground running. I am going to be the best.

On that note, you guys can help me! If any of you have a recording of these pieces that I can use/burn/borrow, I would love you forever:
J.S. Bach St. Matthew's Passion
Rimsky-Korsakov Russian Easter Overture
R. Strauss Rosenkavalier
Strawinsky The Firebird Suite
Mozart The Magic Flute (not the overture, but the actual opera)
Smetana Bartered Bride Overture
Tschaikovsky's 4th symphony
Rossini Semiriamis

Also, I don't know why anyone would have flute music but also if you have these pieces:
Haydn Flute Concerto in D
Stamitz Flute Concerto in G
Pergolesi Flute Concerto in G
Gluck Flute Concerto

It would help me a million times over if you could let me borrow a recording of any of these. Or, if you would prefer, show me how to illegally download music off the Internet. After all, if you teach a man to fish...
Thanks!

Okay so here's the deal:
Cincinnati Conservatory wants to take me off the waiting list and accept me. To actually be offered admission into the school, I have to be sure that I will accept the offer, and that means free of any obligations from any other school. Basically, I would have to put FSU behind me and blindly choose Cincinnati. The only problem with that is that I need to know what kind of money I would be looking at to go to Cincinnati (I always said that $5,000 a year is the highest amount of loan I'm willing to take out except for possibly Juilliard).
SO
My mom calls the financial aid dept. to find out what our estimated financial aid is going to be. We wait a week for a response, and this is what they send:

Per Connie Williams request, I am following up with you regarding Ashley's aid application. Her FAFSA was received; however, we are unable to process her application because her admission status is pending. Once she is offered admission by her college office, we can review her FAFSA and determine what types of financial aid we can award her. Per your voice mail to Connie, it appears you have been speaking with Paul Hilner. I would again suggest speaking with him to ensure Ashley has done everything needed for CCM to determine her admission.

Obviously, this doesn't help. We send another email saying:

Would it be possible for me to speak with someone? Ashley will be offered admission only if we withdrew from another university. We can't do that unless we have some idea what financial assistance would be offered through CCM. Paul Hillner had spoke with Connie Williams last week. Ashley is very interested in attending CCM. Thank you for your time.

We get this reponse back:

Unfortunately there is nothing we can do unless CCM at least offers her admission. You would want to work with their office in an effort to at least be offered admission.

So it seems we've hit an impasse: I can't be sure that I will accept until they give a financial aid estimate, and they can't give a financial aid estimate until I am sure that I will accept.

So, sadly, my dreams of attending Cincinnati left today when we called and said that we couldn't accept the offer. Oh well. There's always the possibility of transfer next year or sophomore year.

Is there no way out of this situation?

------------------------------------

I am SO practicing flute all night.

Tonight I worked with Kristen and Tony, who is in band at AHS. Kristen bragged to him about my flute stuff (I pretended I couldn't hear her). It makes you feel so good when someone brags about you. That made my day.

It's 2:00 and I'm still in pajamas!

"Stop that...
my hands are dirty."

Menengitis shot (ouch)
Bank
Beach
Lesson
Shower
Ortho appointment
CRASH!
Practice
Dinner
Game night

I LOVE SUMMER.

HEY.
Graduation is over and project grad was a blast. I did lots of things, like the catching bills in the box of flying money, dancing, playing amercian gladiator, boxing with giant gloves, rock climbing, bungee jumping, eating food, beating chris at the marine obstacle course, playing volleyball, playing poker, giving and recieveing back massages, and wandering around like I was lost. YAY! I was all very fun and I'm glad I went. I just can't believe that it was all free.
Afterwards I was tired and saying things really loud and getting confused easily. That was fun too.

But something bothered me after a while and I couldn't be quite comfortable after that.

This summer is going to be so sweet I can't even imagine.

My thoughts during senior time today:
Senior parking: "SOMEONE TOOK MY PARKING SPACE!"
Senior breakfast: "That lady sure is annoying."
Senior video: "Hey, they only showed one of the seven pictures I submitted."
Senior march: "Wow, I wish people didn't exist."
Graduation practice: "A nice ice bath would feel good about now."

BUT
Today still rocked and you know why? Because it signifys that I am about to leave high school.
Goodbye, high school.

Today is my dad's birthday. My mom got him tickets (for him and her) for two Yankees vs. Red Sox games held in Yankee stadium. She also got plane tickets so they could fly up there. She was soo excited about the tickets, she said it was the best gift idea she's ever had. And today when my dad opened the gift, it made me smile ear to ear seeing his reaction.
"Yankees vs. Red Sox," he said excitedly, "it doesn't get any better than that!"
And all the while he was watching baseball on t.v. on the baseball network he bought.
About an hour later, at 10:30 at night, my grandfather (my dad's dad) called to wish my dad a happy birthday and to ask him if he was watching the Yankees game.
I love my dad.

I have 76 of a kind.

...or being hated, don't give way to hating

I walked through the bandroom after the banquet today and noted all the familiar sights: the broken stands, the dusty trophy case, the untidy office, the aged percussion instruments, the pathetic practice rooms.
And I finally realized once and for all: this is it. No more THS band. I no longer belong in the bandroom. My second home for four years is no longer a home to me.
And I finally realized how much I do love it all, the crazy band program of ours, flaws and all.
I am going to miss THS band.

When I was at Interlochen, one of the things that hit me the hardest was the lack of familiarity. I sometimes missed random objects from home, like our grill, our sliding glass door, or my bed. I wished so hard that I could see them, be there. I wished, I realize now, only because I could not see them or be there.
I also missed the THS band. At the risk of sounding corny, the THS band is a family. We certainly quarrel like a family. But I know every face that walks in that bandroom. And it's warm and friendly and I don't have to worry when I'm there.
This is not true of..well..anywhere else. Except my real home, of course. But it's going to take me a while to feel quite the same about anywhere else as I do with THS band.

What I'm really trying to say is...I'm finally sad that I'm leaving.
Waaah.

Today I:
Rehearsed for a skit
Listened to "Peter and the Wolf"
Played many duets
Laughed until my stomach hurt and tears were streaming down my face
Ate free food
Climbed a tree
Played tag
Climbed the same tree even higher
Played some friend's compositions
Took one of those pictures where everyone is on the ground in a circle with heads touching
Ate an award winning browine

AND BASICALLY
felt free

Being a senior isn't as easy
as some underclassmen may think
The endless toil of senioritis
Wears us down (wink wink)

The classes are either too easy
or too undeniably hard
And then the teachers abuse every moment
Every time we let down our guard

Being a role model is quite tough
There's no mistaking that fact
Everyone always watching you closely
what you wear and how you act

Skipping class is such a hassle
The beach is hardly even
Worth the scrutiny we recieve
When we tell them all "I'm leavin'"

Graduation is not fun in the least
I've been to three (I should know)
Two hours of names and names some more
Maybe I'll be a no show

In the end, though, all the work pays off
For the day we leave forever
High school will be a memory now
When will I return? Never!

I recieved a phone call today from a college.
I am off the waiting list at the
Cincinnati College-Conservatory of Music.
I am unofficially accepted.

Too bad I have already committed to FSU.

Stupid May 1 deadline.

All I can say is
MAN my foot itches.

Last THS concert ever...yeah.

I made my world premier at this concert. Oh yeah. Someday I'll make the THS orchestra famous because it's the first orchestra I ever played a concerto with.

I'm so glad that Alyssa and Katie are awesome. If they weren't, I would go crazy. I'm really lucky that ever since I have been at THS, the flute section has made upward growth. It's gotten better every single year, and right now it's better than it's ever going to be...ever again, probably.
What I'm trying to say is that my flute secion is good and I'm lucky for it.

I don't think Alyssa reads this, but thank you, Alyssa, for playing the double concerto (and everything) so well. You keep me sane in this crazy high school music program.

I have a lot of things to do and remember.

The best way to fight procrastination is to have a full schedule.

I have to write a composition for my music theory final. I think I'm going to arrange variations of "The Irish Washerwoman" for tuba, trombone, and two flutes (our instrumentation is limited to what we have in class). Think that sounds bad? Some people in my class are planning to write for like 10 random instruments...and use original compositions. I can't wait to hear them.

Music theory test today. It was allright. I think I did well enough to pass. Even if you pretend to be interested, you really don't want to know the details about it, so I will not tell you.

Prom was a couple days ago, I think. I was fun. We got there two hours late because we hung around Waterford for so long. We even went to Target all dressed up. It was awesome because everybody stared at us for extended periods of time.
The dance was okay. Nobody wanted to stupid dance with me, which was dumb. And then everbody formed a giant circle with people break dancing in the middle, but the circle was so thick and tall that I couldn't see even the highest head on anyone's hair in the middle. So that was dumb.
Otherwise, it was fun. I acted like myself and got a lot of people to laugh. Everybody is willing to laugh, nobody is willing to join me. They're all embarassed. I missed having the perfect date who goes along with every stupid thing I think up.
And then at my house we ate breakfast and watched The Princess Bride and I remembered why it was so awesome in my mind.

There's a hostess at Cracker Barrel who really hates me. Seriously. I'm not used to people hating me. I'm not sure what I should do about it.

I REALLY need to practice. I played for 15 minutes the whole weekend. Boo.

Lately, I've had these reoccurring dreams about flying. For some reason, they're usually set in the THS parking lot. I'll just jump up, point my hands to the sky, and be able to fly. And nobody else around me will be able to fly; I'm the only one. And I can float above the world, soar across Titusville, fly away from all my problems...

I feel pretty
oh so pretty
I feel pretty
and witty
and bright
and I pity
any girl who isn't me
tonight
...
Ms. America should just resign

WORST
DAY
OF
WORK
EVER

This whole week, I've been having urges to curse a lot. Especially the b substitute for a mean woman and the d substitute for dang. Why do urges come at sudden times?

In other news, I am determined to have fun at prom tomorrow.

Well well well what have we here?
The AP music theory test is in 3 days, guess what we did in music theory yesterday. If you answered play basketball, then you would be correct.

When I was at grad bash:
It was really late: probably around 1:00 AM, and we decided that we wanted to go on the Hulk. We were all REALLY tired. I mean, seriously. So I don't know why, but I dared everyone to try to fall asleep on the ride. I don't know, you do stupid things when you're tired. And so when we got on the ride, I tried to fall asleep. Of course, it didn't work, but it was very interesting trying. I just rested my head against the headrest and completely relaxed my whole body. Like trying to fall asleep. Every jolt in the ride felt completely normal. I flowed with every turn. When it went upside down, I just lifted out of my seat, completely relaxed, like I was flying. I don't think I could reproduce that feeling. I was pretty dang tired. But it was awesome.

IN OTHER NEWS
My managers really don't have a very good sense of humor. You'll make a joke, and they'll just stare at you. It's crazy.

Ya know what I just realized? I don't think I like Christian music (keep reading, I have a rational explanation..I think). It's like taking pop songs and putting praise etc. lyrics in, right? Pop songs are one of the the lowest forms of music in my mind. It's doesn't seem good enough for God. But then what does?
I don't know. It may be okay for others, but it just doesn't sit well with me. I need hymns, traditional praise songs. Not teeny bopper beats. It just doesn't seem right. Maybe it has to do with the music I have been brought up with in church.

ANYWAY
More work to do.
It's one thing after another...
And I still haven't watched my video :(

All work no play.
Not even play flute. :(
I can't wait until the summer and the beach.
It's gonna be the best.
In the meantime, I will work work work endlessly until it kills me. Or until summer arrives. Whichever comes first. I've had play in my past, I suppose this work is well deserved.

But seriously...I haven't even had time to watch the video of my recital. And that's just sad.
:(

My computer has a virus. I have to turn the computer completely off on and then back on again to go on the Internet. Viruses are a good way to stop wasting time on this piece of nonsense.
Yes, that was a coherent sentence. I think.

We played basketball in an awesome music theory day today. Colin and I have no idea how to play and yet we both owned the three point shots. Oh yeah. I don't think I'm as bad as I thought I was.

SENIOR RECITAL TOMORROW
Indian River Methodist
2:00 PM
Reception at my house afterwards
Be there or be square

About that....
I should be nervous right now. But I'm not. It's not a competition or an audition. Maybe I'll be nervous tomorrow. I'm just not very pleased with my playing right now. I'm afraid that I will let everyone down with my flawed performance. It's not going to be perfect. And I wish it could be. I want it to be perfect. I mean, I set up a heck of a program for myself--difficult in every aspect, endurace not the least. Plus I'm afraid that I made the program too long. And I will be searching for words everytime I talk. And everyone will be bored. And a million other things. No, I'm not nervous. Not about playing. I will surely please God. I am nervous for YOU guys. Pray for me, friends. Pray for yourselves.

Ya know what's really cool? Lots of people are probably going to miss my recital to play at a NASA thing where you get autographs and free passes. YESSS

I don't sound very good on flute...

or piccolo.
Darn darn darn. Why can't I just play better? What can I do to sound better?

Stupid everything.


The laws of human vacillation say it must be so.

Editor's note: This post doesn't exist.

I've hit a life's trough.
Nothing seems to be going right.

But
the only way to go now is up.

I hugged 73 people today.
I had a hugging contest with Emily. Who can hug the most people? At the end of the day, we both had the exact same number of hugs, 72, so we called a draw. Can you believe that? We both happened to get 72 exactly. And then Bob walked in and I got the final hug of the school day.
I challenge anyone to try to get more than 73 in a day, counting from the moment you walk into school to the moment you begin to walk out to your car.
And ya know what? It makes you feel really good. The cabin 11 girls would all tell you that people need at least "7 meaningful touches" per day. And I got 73. Hurrah.

Hmm, I guess I should be doing my research paper. Eh.

Wow, and I didn't even have to cheat to get it!

You scored as Flute. Flute.well, flutes are very.....flutey.Kind of indescribable but I can always recognize a flute player when I see one. (not really) Flute 75% Viola 75% French Horn 67% String Bass 58% Bassoon 58% Violin 58% Oboe 58% Cello 50% Clarinet 50% Tuba 50% trombone 50% Trumpet 50% Percussion 17% If you were in an orchestra, what instrument would match your personality? created with QuizFarm.com

Places should stop making their normal business hours on weekdays until 4 PM.
I can't call you before 4, jerks!

This summer is going to be great. Seriously. It's going to be back in the day days. And I won't have to deal with the load of poo I have to deal with now.
UUUUGGGHHHH

Me: Summer, you can't arrive soon enough!
Summer: That's what everyone's been sayin. I hear ya, kid.

Thanks, Kevin. You really helped me.

Sometimes, you've done all you humanely can do and things are just out of your hands.

We struggle to make things the best, the happiest they can be, but there comes a point when everything you have worked so hard for is...gone. And you're standing there all alone, unprotected from the world, and nobody can help you. And you finally realize that this is what life really is, and that nobody can really understand the thing you are feeling. The pity. The pain. The dread.

Brain: Don't be a jerk, Ashley
Me: Too late.






I need a hug.

We shouldn't go to state orchestra festival because:
It would cost money that we don't have.
We don't have any music prepared.
We would have to do stupid music and go insane in the process of trying to make it decent enough for performance.
We would embarass ourselves by our inferior playing.
We would have to miss another day of school.
It probably would be another miserable day, waking up at the crack of dawn and not getting back until very late.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY:
I don't want to.

Now, please, somebody give a reason we SHOULD go.

I made it into the national flute convention's high school flute choir! Yay! I am going to San Diego this summer!

I will be back to write a propoganda post about orchestra festival, but for now I have to go to the library (stupid PSJ bibliotheque closes at cinq heures).

We all seem to think that if only that one thing would happen, we could be happy. We are all waiting. If only college would start. If only summer would start. If only I got a boyfriend. If only that paper was done. If only I had another job. Etc.
Well I'm sorry guys, but waiting isn't going to get you anywhere. Even when that thing does happens, something else is going to be a problem. If you wait now, you'll be waiting forever. It's time to look the present in the face and tell it who's boss. You can be happy now. YOU CAN BE! Take charge! This is your life. Do what you need to do.

Today was/is a good day, everything except waking up. Oh yeah and fighting with my mom.

We played a concert alongside the members of the OPO. It was fun, and it was very cool to talk to Mr. Goldman (who has a gold flute wee hee!). He talked to me about colleges, orchestras, careers in music, conductors, and the like. Very interesting to hear it from someone who has been through everything I want to go through.

PLUS they gave us free lunch: salad, breadsticks, lasagna, and chocolate mints (oh yeah) from OLIVE GARDEN! YESSS!

Along with that, I had some quality time with my section, spread the legend of the PIT MONSTER, explored the Bob Carr center backstage, did a washing machine dance, waved to people on the other side, moonwalked, went to the bathroom five times, and generally acted silly. Like I said, it was a good day.

When I have a family of my own, I am not going to scream as loud as I can about everything. I am not going to blow up because my husband put the wrong color towels in the bathroom. I am not going to yell at my children so much that they start crying, and then not stop even when they are crying. Especially when they are 17 years old and never cry at anything. I am not going to think that yelling doesn't hurt people, because it does. I am not going to yell just because I can. I am not going to lose my temper over things that don't matter. I am not going to yell because I have to take 5 seconds out of my life to do something. I am going to keep my cool. I am going to remember what it feels like to be yelled at unceasingly, and the yearning to make it stop. To make it stop. Stop. And not being able to make it stop. I am going to remember coming home in a very cheerful mood and having it be ruined by a yelling tornado that destroys everything in its path, wanting so much to be happy but I just can't be because the yelling never stops. When I have a family of my own.
And I will never never never never marry someone who does not have these same goals in mind.

Go away, Thoughts, or I will be forced to kill you.
Why why why do you do this?

I just took the Ultimate Sightreading Test.
I've never played most of the music ever before,
and I sightread it all at tempo at performance
where it really matters if you mess up
because people will notice.

I think I passed the test.
Not with flying colors
not by any means
but I passed.

Brain: Go to sleep early!
Eyes: I can't stay open! HEELP!
Brain: Look what you are doing to your poor Eyes, jerk!
Me: Okay, okay, I'll do it, I'll do it. I am there.

then, secretly, as Ash is sleeping

Brain: You ready to roll, Dreams?
Dreams: Oh yeah. It's payback time.
Dreams puts forth the worst dreams ever in Ash's head.

My brain is a traitor to Dreams.

Headache: I'll be waiting when you wake up.

ZZZZZZZZZ

NO TIME

I wrote a really long post and then it decided not to work. Bleeh.

I didn't accomplish a single thing that I personally wanted to accomplish this weekend.
Oh well.

I think I may get fired from my Cracker Barrel tomorrow, partly due to their unwillingness to work with tough schedules, partly due to my tough schedule.
No problem here. More time for me. And if I stay then...that's fine too. Whatev.

"It's not dancing, it's...jive driving."

Come on and dance
Come on and dance
You may not get another chance

Eastman: waiting list

And so in conclusion, I will kill all flute players at FSU.
The end.

ALSO

Today we listened to an awesome recording in zero block. It was perfect. I still melt just thinking about it.

Random conversation of the day!
Me: [to Richard] You're not Mexican, are you?
Richard: No
Emily: Aren't you Puerto Rican?
we all laugh
Emily: What?
Shannon: He's not either
Emily: Then what are you, Italian?

...(I guess you had to be there.)

It's all in good humor.

Yesterday I heard a lesson that I really needed to hear, I think.

I mean, I am strong about what I want to do in life, but there are always those moments when I think to myself, "Ashley, what are you doing? You are so smart, you could make millions, you could bring the world some peace, you could be a doctor, a teacher, something useful, and yet you insist on playing that silly instrument."
But there really is no other choice because it is what I love and it is what I am meant to do. This is one of the prime decisions of my life, and yet it isn't even a decision. I know what I am supposed to do. And I will do it.

Thunder crashes
A car drives by
The clock strikes 6
The lights flicker
and it starts to rain

I am very angry right now.

-------------------------

Waiting list at NEC. Yay.

"And now I can listen to Elvis in peace."

Life is awesome.

Craig got me a tin whistle for me birthday!
Thanks, Craig, and thanks Rebecca also! You guys are great!

In a much different way than the past three years, this has been a very enjoyable spring break.

It's too ironic for me.

My senior recital is April 30 at 1:30 at IRC in Titusville.
ASK OFF OF WORK NOW.
THAT MEANS YOU.
I don't care who you are, I want you there.
If you are a stranger, I want you there.
So go.
Don't stop to think about it.
Just go.
I will appreciate it.

Seriously. I want you to go.

I just killed a big spider using the "I'm too scared to hit it, so I'll poison it with household cleaning supplies" method.
I suprised myself by how scared I was of that spider. I screamed every time it moved.
It's legs are still twitching, like it's been electricuted.
It's surrounded by a pool of windex and mildew remover.
And I'm too scared to do anything else to it except look at it.
Usually spiders don't bother me. But this one did.
It was evil.

What a good day! I've been in a great mood all day. Nobody is home, so I have freedom. FREEDOM!

I made an ultimate driving CD. It includes lots of energy filled songs, like "Walk like an Egyptian," "Walk this Way," "Jump," "Pinball Wizard," and so many others! I am so going to drive while listening to it. Yesss.

E. Amsler:
"I am glad, if you let me know, about your ideas."

Ms. Clew:
"The girls were attractive to varying degrees."

So awesome.

I like the feeling I get when I take all the misplaced items in my room and throw them all together in a little pile on my floor.

I live in Florida, and I haven't gone to the beach during spring break, and tomorrow is my last free day. I MUST GO.