The question game with U2!

01. Are you male or female?: a man and a woman
02. Describe yourself: out of control
03. How do some people feel about you?: bad
04. How do you feel about yourself?: i threw a brick through a window
05. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: i still haven't found what i'm looking for
06. Where would you rather be?: where the streets have no name
07. Describe what you want to be: the hands that built america
08. Describe how you live: stuck in a moment
09. Describe how you love: some days are better than others
10. Share a few words of wisdom: walk to the water

What a beautiful day!
For the one and only God, I am going to try extra hard today to bring joy and love into the world. I love God!

Well, I've done everything I can possibly think of to do to make up for my evil deed. The rest is up to his ability to forgive.

Man now I have a headache from all the tension AND I fel like a jerk AND I'm probably going to have to play flute for another four years with someone who probably hates me now.
This isn't one of my best moments in life.

I took the "constructive" out of constructive criticism (actually, come to think of it, I took the criticism out too), and I am the biggest jerk in the whole world.
I'm extremely arrogant and should be punched.
I feel horrible. There aren't too many times in my life that I have been so blatantly mean to someone. I don't know what happened.

Waaah! I need a hug. But I don't deserve it.

And after I was doing so well to fight sin this week, too...

Note to self: buy milk

Okay okay you can only avoid it for so long. Here's my dang twenty things you might not know about me.
1) I love romance. Really.
2) I don't fit fully into any religious category except maybe "christian"
3) Probably the last 5 times I have cried have been because of my mom
4) I have never had a pet except for a couple fish--and I feel sometimes that I lose out on life because of it
5) I consider myself very independent
6) Sometimes I wonder if I was born with fewer emotions than others
7) I really, really don't like it when people yell in anger
8) I think that my left and right brain are almost equally dominant (haha oxymoron)
9) I would rather play flute than do almost anything else
10) I'm a rather picky eater
11) I'm also rather picky with boys
12) I always wished that I was ambidextrous, I could roll my tounge, speak another language, or wiggle my ears or nose
13) I believe that there is a reason for everything that happens in this world
14) I think my life would be a lot easier if I wasn't attracted to boys
15) I don't consider myself a lazy person, but I do tend to get distracted easily
16) I never know how to take compliments well, so there are times when I'd just rather not get them
17) I would be happy if I didn't see or talk to a single person the whole day. But only a day.
18) I am a feminist, a pacifist, and a liberal
19) I am an extremely jealous person, and I find myself referring to the parable of the laborers in the vinyard a lot in my mind
20) I believe that my best moments in life are yet to come

I know it's probably annoying that I talk about band so much, but I can't help it! I feel so extremely blessed to be able to play with symphonic band every day (and to no longer have to play with the THS wind ensemble every day).
As soon as I hear the trumpets bellow the perfect intonation and the clarinets can actually play a hard run at tempo and the horns hit every note with perfect precision, my heart melts. How do I deserve this?

When I was in the world youth symphony orchestra at Interlochen, everyone played everything so perfectly that I was actually glad when someone messed up because it made me feel like I wasn't the only mortal player in the orchestra. I'll admit that that orchestra was much better then symphonic band, and that I probably wasn't a good enough player to actually sit where I was sitting (the flutes were the worst section in the orchestra, if you can believe it). There was just a shortage of talent on my instrument, I think. The orchestra was no doubt above my level, and while it was amazing to play with such a group, it was also terrifying. Such pressure... Symphonic band, on the other hand, is perfect for my level. It is not terrifying, and it is certainly quite amazing.

I like band. I always have. Orchestra is wonderful, orchestra will always be wonderful. But there's something about playing in a really good band...the sound of it...I can't describe it...

Well, I pulled out my old Hubert Laws CD today, and it turns out the last track on it (which I probably never reached before) is this rockin arrangement of Bizet's Farandole. How awesome is that?

After a refreshing trip to church, I am ready to fight sin for another week!
Go to church, friends;
it's good for the soul
(and for everything else).

So I figured out why the guys wanted to take me to a party...they want me to get drunk. I knew it wasn't in my best interest.

Kenny: "You WILL get intoxicated before the year is through, mark my words!!!"

What a noble cause to devote oneself to. I don't think he realizes how hopeless it is. Aside from the fact that I think I would pass out if I ever drank any alcohol (I really do believe this), nobody can make me go anywhere, and nobody can make me drink anything. And if they do try, I will punch them. In fact, nobody can even know where I am at any given moment to even attempt to make me do those things. So I will NOT get intoxicated before the year is through, mark MY words!

----------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, I wish that the world wouldn't force such impure words and pictures onto its people. Sometimes, I wish that I'd never heard anyone curse and I'd never seen anything violent or sexual or impure. Sometimes, I wish that I could stay innocent forever. But there's no getting around it, not in this world. And that makes me sad.

My gosh, I'm happy again! I'm a happy freshman again! Whatever the shadow was that was haunting me for years--it's gone! Praise the Lord!

I've noticed that all my recent blog posts are about the daily activities in my life. I'm sorry that I'm getting so boring. Nobody makes you read this, though.

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine.

And I mean really awesome.

Yessss! I am awesome.

I should've studied more for my nutrition test. I got an 88. No star crunch for me this time.

Daryl and Kenny keep trying to take me to a party. I don't know what their motive is, but I'm pretty sure its not in my best interest.

IN OTHER NEWS
Today symphonic band played John Barnes Chance Elegy REALLY REALLY WELL and I think it almost killed me.
I can't stress enough how strongly I feel this: I am glad I'm not in high school anymore.

Man!
Caramel-filled hershey's kisses are really good!

The last time I went shopping, I had already eaten dinner, so I was in the desert mindset, and now I have a lot of chocolate-based products in my room.

Lost starts this week! Best show ever!

When my roomate is alarmed, she sings a high note in the place of a scream. I think it's really, really funny.

Note to self: buy milk

So in band there's this one part in the Gould piece where the music requests two piccolos (one on the actual part and one doubling piccolo) playing in unison for a more outstanding sound. It's short--only about four measures long. My fellow flutists obviously hate piccolo or simply don't want to play it, because they encouraged me to play it when the time came. So I've been playing it, dreading every time it came because it's so out of tune and I can't figure out if I'm flat or sharp--or even if it's my fault at all.

So today the conductor decided to fix it. After we played it, he stopped the band, and tuned me (because the other girl was in tune--she had been playing picc the whole time). Luckily, my A registered as a G sharp on the tuner, and the conductor was nice enough to announce it to the band. He decides to give up after that and tells us to get together and work it out outside of class. But after that, since I knew which way out of tune I was, I was able to fix it. The next time we played it, the four bars sounded close to one piccolo playing. But I doubt anyone noticed or cared.

I hate when conductors stop the band for me or my section. It's such a horrible feeling. "Why couldn't I have just played it better?"

Today I have experienced a part of life that I have never experienced before.

I knew and felt fear, real fear. Shame. Dread. Worry.
I realized my love for my fellow human being.
I didn't know what to do.
I ran out of anxiousness.
Eyes wide, hands shaking.
Things seemed to be moving in slow motion.
A minute's worth of phone call seemed like an hour.

We watch movies and hear stories, but we somehow don't think they are real.
But today was real.
I only wonder why I didn't see it before.

So I have a term paper to write. But yesterday, instead of writing it, I watched 3 hours of Unsolved Mysteries.
And now I am procrastinating some more by writing this.

So last night, a bunch of people were in my/Sarah's room playing a game, and some of the boys found my slinky and decided to experiment with it. (Experiment meaning stretching it the length of the hall and letting one end go so it shoots in the other direction.) Needless to say, my slinky broke. So one of the guys said he'd buy me a new one. I was like, "okay whatever."

So today, I'm in my dorm room, and the guy comes by with the slinky. He pulls it out and says "This one was plastic, so I got this one too," he pulls out a metal slinky "Which was smaller then the one you had" he pulls out a tiny metal slinky "so I got this one just for fun."
I now have three slinkies whcih can fit into each other. The baby one is so cute.

I'd like to use this incident as a metaphor to life. Sometimes bad things happen (some boys break your slinky) and you don't see how anything good could possibly come of it. But there is a reason for everything: God will provide, and you will always end up with three slinkies in the end.

To cute guy: That was not cool.

Yesterday in band, I started thinking about how glad I am to not be in high school anymore. Last year was not exactly the best year for me, nor was year before. I just wasn't happy, for a variety of reasons that have all (yes, ALL) been erased since I've come to college.

I am doing things for a reason now.

Three dorms, including mine, don't have running water.
Sooooo...yeah.
Craig, I may be using your shower tonight.

I forgot to buy milk AGAIN. UGH. I don't think I'm going to get enough calcium this week.

Wow, I just watched 2 and a half hours of a guy playing indian flute, a guy playing indian drum, and a guy playing indian violin.

I must deserve, like, 15 star crunch for not leaving.

I've gotten a lot less than usual done sice I've found the speech device on my computer.

So yesterday, I was sitting in my dorm room doing homework, and at about the time I was going to go to sleep, Sarah came into the room proclaiming news of a gas leak. She said all the girls were leaving and they said that we should leave, too. I had smelled a funny smell like an hour ago, and I suddenly wondered if I had been breathing toxic gas this whole time. So Sarah, Shannon and I go downstairs (me in my pajamas) to see if we will meet anyone at Landis who could tell us what's going on.
When we came down, nobody was there.
We went back upstairs with the plan of asking our RA if she knew what was going on. She wasn't in her room.
So we go back downstairs to ask the front desk what's going on. The girl at the desk said that the smell was from cleaning, and it was nothing to worry about. She said that the supervisor came to inspect and that's what he (or she) said.
So we go back upstairs, and as soon as we hit our floor, the smell is filling our nostrils once again. We decide to keep our windows open throughout the night just to be safe.

SO
At about 7:00 this morning, a giant crane decided to land itself right under our window. It was very loud. It got to the point where Sarah and I coundln't take it anymore, so we got out of bed and closed the windows. After that, I had a hard time going back to sleep.

Needless to say, my lesson today did not go as well as it could have.

----------------------------------

Sometimes when I'm practicing, my brain suddenly says in a robotic voice "Pooh pooh" or "I want to play Mario Kart." And then I have to stop playing and give myself a couple seconds of laughing time, because I won't be able to play if I don't get my laughing out then. Then my brain says "I want to play Mario Kart" very fast, and it happens all over again. But I like it.

Today in band we read March Militaire Francais.
That piece is so cute.
The arrangement wasn't as good as the one we used to play at THS.

Honors colloquium is boring. Why am I in the honors program? It's not going to help me get a job as a musician.

Tomorrow my first class is at 11:00, but I have to wake up at eight for a lesson. And every week from now on.
Boo.

The good news is, I think I'm going to get to be in a freshman WW quintet that is forming.

Those are all the random things in my life that I can think of now. Well, there are more. But I'm sure you don't care to hear them.

It would take 30-40 slices of pizza to get your recommended daily amount of vitamin C.

Wow. They really tried to hack into my account. That is not cool.

This week's scores:
-1 Mild practice laziness
-1 Poor nutitional meals
-3 Avoiding people
-3 Not enough sleep
-2 Too much time spent on computer
-5 Skipping Bible study

+2 Hard work paying off in band
+1 Keeping up with schoolwork
+1 Conserving money
+3 Good grades
+4 Wise use of time
+4 Talking to a cute boy

We had a very interesting discussion in english today. It was cenetered around the concept of one's "real self."
"Is there such a thing as a real self?" the teacher asked, "If so, what is the "true (or real) self based upon?"

Many in the class believe that the real self lies in one's concept of himself. They believe this because many times people do certain things only because society tells them they should. For example, a person could wear certain clothes only because he thinks the clothes are "in," not neccessarily because he likes them. One's true self, these people argued, is hidden inside a person. It hardly ever shows itself because society puts so much pressure on people to act a certain way. They believe that we really are what we truly believe we are.

I spoke up in class against this.
I believe that one's true self does not lie inside him, but outside. Our actions are what define us. What could be more real than the choices you act upon, the actions you carry out? Our true self does not lie in some dark corner of our brain or soul; our true self is outside, steering our actions and choices every second of our life. If someone acts kind, then that person truly is kind. If someone acts hateful, that person truly is hateful. And if someone chooses to give in to the pressures of society, that's the person he really is. The other argument just doesn't make sense to me.

Things here are going well, in case you were wondering.

Sarah: There are too many boys here! They're so distracting!
Me: If you don't look them in the eye, they won't distract you.

I just spent an entire hour getting back to my dorm from Rebecca's.
It's because all the spaces were taken in the parking garage.
A space opened up once, but someone shoved their way into it.
Even though I was there first.
I ended up parking at the garage at the student union, which is halfway across campus. I don't even know if I'm going to get a ticket or not.

Yes, I am angry.

So much for studying.

Well, the biggest game of the year is going on right now...
time to go practice.

My slinky won't walk down the Cawthon stairs.
:(

This is me wasting time:

Type "(your name) is" with the quotes into a Google search, and pick out your favorite 10 responses. Copy and repost your responses:

1. Ashley is the sweetest little girl, with always a happy bounce to her walk
2. Ashley is still smiling
3. Ashley is equally determined these days
4. Ashley is very peaceful and very small
5. Ashley is truly a person with a PLETHORA of excellent qualities
6. Ashley is living life to the fullest
7. Ashley is a person of integrity and energy, of talent and confidence
8. Ashley is extremely well informed, knowledgeable and fair
9. Ashley is very mature and very hardworking
10. Ashley is one hot gal

To everyone in Cawthon Hall:
Don't try to pour spahgetti-o's down the drain. It won't work.
Don't try to pour the scrambled egg traces left on your pan down the drain. It won't work.
Don't try to pour soup remnants down the drain. It won't work.

My band is really good.

Wow, I just wrote a huge email to Ms. Clew, and when I tried to send it, the computer pulled the page not found trick. Wow, I am very angry right now.

I'm in orchestra!.....oh wait, no I'm not.
But I was really, really close. Actually, I was one chair away.
You know what that mean, right?
That means that now I have to work even harder, so that at the next audition, there will be no "one chair away."

And work hard I shall.

My teacher

Well, the band results came out, and I can't say I'm happy or unhappy.

I made fourth chair in the second band. On the one hand, I am in the top undergraduate band, I'm playing first part, I beat all the other freshman, and everyone ahead of me is a performance major who is older than me.
On the other hand, I'm Ashley, I'm ambitious, and I really wanted to do better than that. But it's a good start, I suppose. It's my first semester as a freshman, and I placed as well as anyone could expect of me.

The orchestra results haven't come out yet, but since there are high-level perfomance majors not on the band list, I'm assuming that they are going to fill the orchestra spots. But technically, there is still hope.

I hate when I like a guy just because he reminds me of another guy.

My prediction proved correct: my audition went well.
Yay!

The thing is, I learned for the audition (in total)
1 movement of a classical concerto
12 flute excerpts
4 piccolo excerpts

........and guess what they asked me to play?
(to find the answer, highlight below!)
1/2 movemenbt of a classical concerto
1 flute excerpt (a moderately hard one)
1 piccolo excerpt (the easiest)

And now in celebration, I shall eat some star crunch.

My first day of classes wasn't wonderful. I'm kinda bummed because I had to spend another $200 on books (all for one class I may add) when I spent $350 already. And I'll be spending more tomorrow. Plus I bought a nine dollar hole punch that the cashier dropped and never gave back to me. That one is partially my fault, I suppose. I should be thankful that is wasn't something more expensive. Like one of the books.

I read something about being thankful yesterday, and it helped me realize the infinite opportunities we have of being thankful to one another and to God. Billy Graham writes:
Thankfulness isn't our usual response when something goes wrong. We may have a hundred good things for which to be thankful--but let one bad thing happen, and it's all we think about!
.......
[Matthew Henry] wrote in his diary [when he was mugged], "Let me be thankful first because I was never robbed before; second, although they took my purse, they did not take my life; third, because although they took my all, it was not much; and fourth, because it was I who was robbed, not I who robbed."

I can't wait until I audition and then get the results so I can stop worrying!

God help me.

Colin, my english teacher looks like you will look in about 25 years.
He's got the same body type, facial hair, haircut, and general way of speaking, and he also mumbles a lot like you.
His name is Ian.

Today is my first day of classes. Yay!....I mean, boooo.

If I have ever had a chance to have a great audition, it is this one (on Tuesday).
I have practiced my brains out in hopes that I might break the chain of upperclassmen and win a spot in orchestra.
I have sacrificed so much to practice: sleep, time with friends, and everything else I wanted to do this summer.

I've signed up for the very first audition time so that the judges may have no prejudice to any playing before me (also so that I don't have to wait a million years because they are running behind. Also so that I can get it over with and not worry longer than I need to. Also because I have a class later.)

I am ready, as ready as I've ever been for an audition.
I'm so excited! This is going to be fun and awesome.

I have the worst sense of direction in the world. I don't know how I'm going to survive.

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I think college is pretty much the best thing ever.

I know judgement stops thought, but does thought stop judgement?

1 Corinthians is so awesome I can't even describe it.

There are so many issues that I feel dirctly relate to me. For example, I have often felt tension in the world because of the divisions in Christian religion (mostly between Catholicism and Protestantism), and I have always wished that the division wouldn't exist and that we could all live in peace. Paul writes,
"Now I appeal to you , brothers and sisters, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you be in agreement and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same purpose. For it has been reported to me by Chole's people that there are quarrels among you, my brothers and sisters. What I mean is that each of you says, 'I belong to Paul,' or 'I belong to Apollos,' or 'I belong to Cephas,' or 'I belong to Christ.' Has Christ been divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Or were you baptized in the name of Paul?"
1:10-13

Also, I have before felt doubt about my purpose in life. I do not doubt what my purpose is (to make music), but I sometimes doubt the meaning of the purpose. How is this bringing anyone closer to God? How is this useful at all? But in 1 Corinthians, Paul says:
"Indeed, the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot would say, 'Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,' that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear would say, 'Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,' that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole body were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? But as it is, God arranged the members of the body, each one of them as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many members, yet one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I have no need of you,' nor again the head to the feet 'I have no need of you.'"
12:12-21

Here's another example. I sometimes feel that I am missing something in my life. I am generally a successful person in the world. I have everything that I need, and I have faith. But sometimes, I just feel that I am not doing enough. And I discovered when I read this:
"If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all the mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possesions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."
13:1-3

And that's not even the beginning of the message in this book.

I feel so refreshed.

Go read it.

I think our refrigerator is on too cold, because my milk is starting to freeze inside the carton.

So I'm talking with my roomate and suitemates, and I say,
"We have to get a lot of pizza! Let's have lots of pizza nights!"
And they all look at me like I'm crazy.
Somebody says, "Ash...pizza is bad for you."

?

Tell me this isn't normal.

Even from hundreds of miles away, my mother's voice still manages to depress me. I am very glad that I will not live with the yelling anymore, at least for a while. I hate the yelling. I hate the anger. I hate the temper. I hate the devil.

If mother is like daughter, I will be very sad.

Yay! It is fun here!

I'm living in Tallahassee, and you can't stop me.

Goodbye, cruel high school world!
Hello [insert adjective here] college world!

My bed is very soft, and that makes me happy.


End of post

Today was a very stressful day, and I'm glad that it's almost over.
Tomorrow will be a good day, I hope.

I'm so excited!
I have all these dreams about college in my head, and I know some of them may just be dreams and nothing more, but the hope is keeping me happy at the moment.

I'm going to find music and guys and a religious organization where the members don't look down upon my religion and friends and knowledge and concerts and freedom and a place that I can keep as untidy as I like and so much more.

I'm not looking back.

I'm ready.





(I think)

I took my flute in for several small last-minute repairs and a general check-up, and I had to leave it at the shop because Charlie was so "slammed" with repairs. Now I'm sad because I wanted to practice all night. Of course, I still can practice all night, but it would either have to be on:
A) My piccolo (which can get to you after a while, both the ringing in the ears and the amount of energy it takes to play)
or
B) My old Gemeinhardt (which depresses me every time I play it)

I feel like this whole summer has been a constant fight to find time to practice. It seems like every time I think I am going to have time to practice, something comes up and the time I thought I would have is taken away.

BUT I trust Charlie's ability to repair instruments, and I know that when I get my flute back, it will be better than I can ever remember. It really did need some repairs pretty badly, and this is a good time to do it.

I know enough not to worry at this point. I will make good use of my time.

If I never entered the world of the Internet ever again, I think I'd be a happier person.

Time to practice.

NO NO NO!
This was all gone on vacation!
But it's back!
NO!

And at the same time, it's good to be home.

I got four hours of sleep last night, so forgive me if this post doesn't make sense.
Oh yeah, and it's really long so...yeah. It's long.

SAN DIEGO WAS AWESOME!

As soon as I walked outside of the airport, I fell in love with the place. It's just like Florida except BETTER. The weather is nice....really nice. It's hot like Florida except there's no humidity, so you can actually BREATHE. That was the first thing I noticed. "I can breathe!" I said, "And I'm not sweating!" And I stood outside for a while just soaking up the sun without sweating or having to wring out the air. Compared to San Diego, breathing in Florida is like trying to breathe underwater. Oh wait...compared to ANYWHERE, breathing in Florida is like trying to breathe underwater.

I was a little tiny bit mad about this, because I had formerly understood that we lived in the best place in the US. But I guess not. Oh well.

Then I went to the famous San Diego zoo, which was pretty dang awesome. I saw lots of rare animals: pandas, elephants, zebras, big cats, tropical birds, monkeys, koalas, giraffes, the list goes on. I remembered why the cheetah was my favorite animal. It's so beautiful.
The chimps also were interesting. They are built--and move--eerily like humans. I watched them for a while. They were very active, playing with each other. I think I could've watched em all day. And when they sit, they sit hugging their legs, just like many humans I know...including myself. I can see now where the idea for the planet of the apes came from. It bordered on being scary.

The next day, I walked around La Jolla (a fancy schmancy beach area). It was beautiful, really, and again the weather just astounded me. I saw some wild seals, and that was pretty much my climax of the day. That night I saw a political ad on tv against Arnold.

The next day, the flute convention started, and let me tell you something--besides Interlochen, that was the best time of my life. And just like at Interlochen, my only worry was the amount of time I had to practice in a day. And what an isolated worry to have!
Of course, Ms. Clew introduced me to about a million people, most of whom I don't remember, and I had a free lesson from one of her friends.

At any given moment at the flute convention, a number of amazing classes or recitals were happening. I went to so so many amazing recitals. And just like at any flute festival, the quality of the recitals is so high that after a while, you start thinking that amazing players are not too amazing anymore.

Definitely, the highlight of my vacation centered around Mathieu Dufour, principle of the Chicago Symphony. I was introduced to him (not in person, but in thought) by Mr. Krienes a number of years ago. I was playing Prokofiev sonata at Kreines' house, and right after I played, he ran into his cd room to show me a CD of this newly-hired amazing 35-year-old flute player of the Chicago Symphony. The next time I came, Krienes had the movement I was playing recorded onto a tape to take home. The tape was so good that I ended up buying the CD. Thus began my love affair with this truly amazing musician and person.
(As a side note, Porkofiev is my favorite composer, and much of my admiration is due to the extremely high level of musicanship in Dufour, enabling him to play Prokofiev the way it's supposed to be. I didn't care for the piece before I heard him, I really didn't, but now it's my all time favorite.)

Mathieu Dufour is a frenchman, and a cute one at that. My mom seems to think that I like him just because he is another attractive foriegner with an accent. But he is so much more than that.

He played at one of the night concerts, following the great flutists Leone Buyse (who won the principle flute position at Boston TWICE but never got hired. She's a lovely player and person), Fenwick Smith (on staff at NEC, BSO, and has recorded lots of premier solos), and William Bennett (known all around the world...if you're a flute player, you've heard of him). But Dufour played above and beyond all three of these people...and anyone I've ever heard. Including Gareth Davies. (I'm pretty sure that most of you don't have any idea what I'm talking about, but I'm going to keep rambling on nonetheless).

Of course, every run was perfect and every dynamic was tastefully observed and every articulation matched the syle in the most charming manner, but that wasn't even the amazing part. The thing that struck me the most was his musicianship. He is the first flute player I've ever heard who wasn't JUST a flute player; he was also a musician. For as much as I've heard, he alone is worthy of being named with the great string and piano players of our time. Everything...EVERYTHING...was completely and utterly perfect. It was the most beautiful music I've heard in my life. After the concert, I seriously doubted that he was human. I learned the next day, though. All that later.

It was funny, because my mom and I both noticed that he seemed quite shy. He had that look of a shy person and he kept nervously pressing the buttons on his flute during rests. After the concert, he was hiding backstage, and the usher invited us to go and get autographs. I stood in line to meet one of my biggest flute influences/idols and I was so scared. When my turn came to meet him, I said with an almost shaking voice,
"Hi."
And he said (in his awesome french accent) "Hi...and who are you?"
I said "Ashley" and then blurted out "I have your CD!...or, one of them at least...I don't know how many you have..."
He said "The recital one?"
I said "Yeah, the one with Prokofiev...and Hindemith...Can I get my picture with you?"
And of course I got my picture with him, and of course I will cherish it forvever.
And then I said thank you and left.

"I'm not very good at talking to my idols"

The next morning I watched a masterclass by him on orchestral audition repertoire. And I learned that not only was he attractive, french, a true musician, and generally awesome, but he also has that special touch that you very rarely find in people. This is going to be hard to explain, and I doubt that many people have read this far anyway, so it probably doesn't matter how I explain it. As he coached the participants on the specifics, he communicated his intense belief in music. One audience member asked how to play the audition if you want to "get the job" and he turned the question around on her.
I'm not going to do these words justice. He said that you can't go around just pleasing people, trying to "get the job." You can't just play what you think they want. The music has to come from you. If they don't like how you play, maybe you would be better off not having the job at all. Music isn't a matter of right and wrong. Nobody possesses the magical "right" way to play something, and if they think they do, then they're wrong. He stressed the importance of flexibility. He plays these solos in orchestra time and time again, and he has never played them the same. (As another side note, this is exactly the same idea that Pahud expressed in my 100 flute player story book. And Pahud and Dufour have been my two favorite flutists for years now.)
The Chicago symphony is apparently auditioning for the piccolo spot right now, and he said that many players play the exact same thing. To catch the attention of the audition committee, you must play with personality, do something different from the ordinary. Be unique.

I couldn't bring myself to leave the masterclass to get to flute choir rehearsal on time, so I ended up arriving about 5 minutes late, but I really didn't care because Dufour was awesome and inspiring and flute choir was yucky and uninspiring.

Aside from Dufour, the rest of the convention was also fun and very informative. I heard some "very fine" flute players (in the words of Ms. Clew). I even played a contrabass flute!

Also, I've started to get the flute players to sign my 100 flute players book (which Dufour oddly doesn't make an appearance in, but whatever). I got 5 signatures this convention: William Bennett, Renee Siebert, Trevor Wye, Peter-Lukas Graf, and Sheridon Stokes. And I could've gotten so many more! Matthias Ziegler was at the convention, but sadly I never got to hear him play. He's that crazy contemporary contrabass flute player I'm always ranting about. Ms. Clew says he's a genius.
All these people are the people I look up to as my inspiration, and here they all are, eating at the same restaurants as me, attending the same classes as me! Saying at the same hotel as me! As a student, I can't get over the meeting of all my idols in one place. These are the people that play in my orchestral recordings, the people that tour around the world to play concertos and give concerts! It was all overwhelming, but in a good way. What an adventure.

I think I'll stop talking about my trip now.

Now that I'm home, everything that is stupid in my life has come flooding back. My shoulders are tensing up already, I can feel it.

Oh well. Now I have the whole day to practice like the wind. I can make it there someday. I've gotten this far, there's nothing stopping me from going all the way!

Today was my last day of work.

I am going to the NATIONAL FLUTE CONVENTION in SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA until next Monday...and you can't stop me!

After that, I can have one week of the summer I've always dreamed of. Or I can just practice a lot. Which is pretty much the same thing.

Goodbye until we meet again, my fine friends! I know that many of you will be gone for college by the time I get back! Have a good one!

I don't know why I even bother.
I don't know.

I AM going to meet a guy at FSU. And we are going to like each other EQUALLY. And he is going to be perfect. And he's going to think I'm perfect. And we are going to be happy when we are with each other.
THE END.

Everything is fun and games, but I don't realize how much I don't fit in elsewhere until I come home to Erin, Craig, and Rebecca playing video games.

I heard a recording of the Cimerosa flute duet on 90.7 today. It was with Rampal and some other guy. And as much as I don't want to admit it, I like the Galway's version better.

"Mr. T has feelings too!"

sleep practice rain party

In the marching band of life, we hold piccolos.
"Too heavy!" we say, "I cannot bear it!"

I had another nightmare. I was driving my car, and I stopped at a raised drawbridge. When I thought the bridge was down, I drove forward. But it turns out the bridge wasn't down. The hapless SUV next to me drove to his doom too.
So I fell and fell, knowing that death was mere seconds away. I remember being scared at first, then wondering why I was scared when God's kingdom was so close at hand. I relaxed and then began praying, falling in the air. I remember praying to be forgiven of my sins once and for all and to enter heaven.
As soon I hit the ground (which, incidentally, wasn't water but solid rock), I instantly died, and pictures of lives (not mine but other people's lives) started flashing, fast, like someone was turning the dial on a radio very quickly. I don't remember what was in these flashes, but I do remember lots of color (hey, I dream in color!). Somehow I knew that these flashes were the possibilities for my next life.
And the next thing I knew, I woke up as a young male asian with a wealthy asian family living in Florida. Yes, friends, I was reincarnated.

Wow, I just got a comment on myspace that made me happier than I was when I was happy.

Why is it that practicing suddenly seems much more appealing when I shouldn't be playing (and instead sleeping)?

I've decided that my goal in life is now to play piccolo in a professional orchestra. Just to let you guys know.
Just because there's nothing more fun in the world than playing piccolo. A select few understand this. The rest of you think I'm crazy.

I'm struggling with this decision.

----------------------------------------------------------

I haven't been having very pleasant dreams lately.

In the past 5 days, I've had three nightmares, which are usually rare for me.
The first night, I dreamt that evil spirits were chasing me at an old museum.
The next day I dreamt that the senior class was on the beach and it started raining worms. We all had to flee.
Last night I had a dream that a murderer killed all my family except for my sister (?) and then came in my house and injected me in the back with a needle. I didn't know if the injection was lethal or an anethesa and I woke up before I could find out.

The nights in beteween the nightmares I prayed that I wouldn't have nightmares. And I didn't have them. That can't be coincidence.

Pergolesi, you're a good guy.

Jesus didn't tell the crowd to leave, although He probably wanted to be alone.
We need to learn to embrace people just as He does.

Da piccolo!

I have a decision to make.

I am overjoyed with the progress I've made with double tounging and eliminating cracked notes. I knew that all that hard work would pay off, all that frustration and shouting. I knew it would pay off!
YESS!!!

Today also was a good day. I went shopping with mom and got three new shirts (we used the Copin Liszt yuck yuck yuck), stopped by Rebecca's, went to church (no getting up early tomorrow!), watched the Yankees win, watched a really good episode of Seinfeld, and practiced a whole bunch. And I didn't have to get up early! What a good day.

Thank you and amen!

Haha I'm writing this with an earplug in my right ear. I know, you probably think that's not funny. Oh well.

My most difficult deadly sin to cope with is envy.

Trust me, I'd love for my blog be more interesting than this, but my wit meter is at an all-time low. Sorry.

I pray for us all to stop thinking of this world, and rather think of heaven,
that we may be devoted to God instead of this world.

It's hard because we live in the world and we have not seen heaven.
What if it was the other way around: we lived in heaven and have not seen the world?
That would be...I don't know.

-------------------------------------------

One time in CCD class in about 5th grade, we were talking about the candle in the church that is always supposed to be lit. One really funny guy in the class asked "If someone tried to put the candle out, would God...like...punch him?"
I still laugh thinking about it.

Well, I thought it was funny.

"Awww, you're not my worst enemy! You're my best enemy!"

Yesterday when I practiced I didn't realize how much I was concentrating until someone called me and I got REALLY REALLY mad because it interupted my phrase and concentration.
It felt awesome to concentrate for so long. Throughout that time, I thought about nothing but the music I was working on. I think that that is an achievement in itself, really.
But what can I say? I'm German.

FSYO CDs!
YAAAY!
They make me happy.
I never realized how loud I was. But it's okay, because it sounds good for the most part.

Yeah. My life is very dull right now. I sleep, work, practice. Repeat.

Summer checklist:
Get flute playing ready for college
Hang out with friends, especially those who I won't see at FSU
Ride bike a lot
Go to beach a lot
Make money
Read
Read/study Bible
Sleep
Grow as a person
Generally prepare for college

I have a long way to go. But it's tough when you work eight hours a day.

I think my mom is mad at me, but I don't really know why, because I didn't do anything that isn't normal for me. She didn't talk to me at all this morning.

She's prolly just PMSing.

Wellp, time to go practice.

Today was not a good day.

I finished Harry Potter. I know I have heard some of those words before.

I don't think anyone who reads this knows who he is, but I ran into Shawn Hamm yesterday. It was so awesome. He's going to FSU, too.
(For everyone who doesn't know, Shawn is one of the people in the close-knit group of students that were in GSP together from Atlantis all the way to the end of Space Coast. That was back when girls could be friends with boys without everyone being stupid about it. He was always awesome.)

ALSO, I got my hair cut today, and the guy who cut my hair conversationally asked me how my boyfriend was doing. I said I didn't have one, and he mumbled something about boys being bad. Then he said that if he was eighteen, he would go out with me.

This summer just isn't living up to the other summers.

I still have a loose end that I need to fix. But I don't want to. Maybe I'll take the wimp way out.
Yeah, I like that idea.

Some guy was kept driving up and down my street yesterday (while I was practicing) in the loudest, most run-down looking car I have ever seen in my life. I think he was seeing how fast he could go or something. But it was pretty annoying.

I really miss being in an orchestra.
The good news is, I think I get my FSYO CDs tomorrow.

I believe that the London Symphony Orchestra is the best orchestra in the world and that Sarah Chang is the most dynamic performer in the world.

I was glad to see my best friend with tears of joy, and to spend the night with three of my favorite people in the world.

It was a wonderful night, just wonderful, and it didnt even involve any romance!

I am thankful for this morning. I finally got things done.

This week has been the most horrible week for practice time I have ever had. I haven't practiced more than one hour in any single day. I haven't practiced this little since...well...never.

I will practice a lot today and make up the time, no matter what it takes.
This week's practice is unacceptable to a performance major like me. Just flat out unacceptable.

"Mommy, kin you buy the spydah man bubble beath? I weally wont it."

I saw the best flute concert tonight. That twenty dollars was really well-spent. Just wow. I can't even believe someone is that good. He is a giant, I am merely an insignificant ant. AHHH. I'm so happy I got to see that.
I bought his CD and he signed it. ::sigh:: I think I'm in love.

I don't like keeping secrets for extended periods of time.

What a beautiful world.

I do believe that the sky looked somehow more blue today than it has in three years.

I had a weird dream last night.

I got a 5 on the AP music theory exam. It's only because I'm so awesome. And you're not.

Sharko is deciding to obey once again.

I might get to see a flute recital this Thursday by the PRINCIPLE FLUTE OF THE LONDON SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.

Generally happy is what I am.

Thank you.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

For a split second tonight, I knew what happiness felt like once again.
And then as swiftly as a flash of lightning, it was gone.

The difference is, this time it wasn't a dream.
At least I don't think so.

Now, I am left with a joy infinitely greater
And a sadness infinitely deeper
Than could ever be achieved before this happened.

That was a good point, though.

Look on the bright side, Ashley. At least the world isn't being attacked by aliens.

::Comes back from flute camp::

I will post later. I am currently in the tired mode.

::Leaves for flute camp::

I suddenly get the feeling that I am not doing enough.

Dear Journal,
Today was a perfect day.

I went to Cracker Barrel today to pick up my check. The trip made me realize how incredibly sweet my new job is and how incredibly bad Cracker Barrel was.
INDEED
I am lucky.

You pretty much much know that someone's trying to look smart when he says "trash receptacle."
I probably didn't even spell that right.

Ya know, no matter how weird someone's name is, the birthday is always normal.
There's no such thing as an unusual birthday.

And that's the conclusion of Random Thoughts from Ash!

All around the mulberry bush,
The monkey chased the weasel.
All around the mulberry bush
POP goes the weasel.

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

I am not lost.
It's all so clear now.
How could I have ever doubted?

Ring out the old
Ring in the new

Goodbye, freedom.
Hello, greed.

Goodbye, talent.
Hello, mediocrity.

Goodbye, sleep.
Hello, fatigue.

Goodbye, beach.
Hello, office building.

Goodbye, friends.
Hello, computer.

Goodbye, musical joy,
Hello, musical frustration.

Goodbye, heart of steel.
Hello, tears.

This summer is so incredibly different from the other summers.
I remember last summer (before I went to Interlochen). I went to the beach a lot. I was happy. Very happy. Excited. Determined. Hopeful. Joyful. Energetic. Focused. Popular. Healthy. Hard-working. Balanced.
I was getting better, everything was getting better. I was growing as a person, as a Christian, and as a flute player. I was working to make myself grow! I could see the results, and they were the fruit of my own labor! I could see it happening inside me! And it was the best feeling in the world. I, for the first time in my life, placed God in His rightful place.
At Interlochen things only got better.

This summer is not the same,
and I do know why.

Patience, dear. Only a little while longer and you'll be starting your new life.




When you wear earplugs for a while and then take them out, you realize how loud the world really is.
It's LOUD.

Last day of Cracker Barrel today.
I will bet lots of money that they'll still have me on the schedule next week.

I really need to practice.