I just saw two characters on a TV show play "would you rather." And they CALLED it "would you rather." Seriously, I made up that game and the game name while on a band bus trip. I wrote a post about it, back in junior year or something. Do you ever think that you created a trend? I think I did in this case. There was no such thing as "would you rather" before that bus ride.

Two outs and the bases loaded, and Sal Fasano just HAD to be up, didn't he?

My new flute is kind of frustrating. It's so very different from the old Powell, and it's taking a lot of getting used to. I can't do what I used to do. I'm not going to say that it's worse, because it's not, it's just different, and changes in playing always come with difficulty and frustration. Of all people, I should know this. But that doesn't make it any easier, especially with auditions coming up.
My excerpts are divided. Some of them have reaped the benefits of my summer technique practice, like the Medelssohn Scherzo, the Prokofiev, William Tell, and the Strauss. I'm sure the new flute helps with technique, too. And I'm really proud of how well I can play them (relative to pre-summer). But some of the excerpts have just gone downhill since I got this new flute. I have no control yet. I can't play a lick of soft in the high register, so if they ask for that first Beethoven excerpt at the audition, I'm toast.

I've been practicing like a maniac since I've been back, mainly because I have nothing better to do, but I know that it takes more than a couple weeks to get used to a new instrument, and that I'm just going to have to be paitient. And if the auditions don't go well because of the flute, then whatever. There's not much I can really do about it. There's always next semester, and by then I'll be rocking like never before. (And by rocking, I mean playing classical music.)

I love my new flute, I really do. Don't get me wrong. Overall, it sounds lush and brilliant, but nothing is perfect.

(By the way, I named it Bernie after my favorite ball player, Bernie Williams. Bernie Burkart!)

I DO LIKE:
West Side Story

I DON'T LIKE:
Comcast

Tallahasse and Titusville, though they both start with the letter T, are two very, very different cities. They are worlds apart. In fact, they are so different that I can hardly believe that it only takes five hours to transition between the two. That I belong in both places...well, to tell you the truth, I don't know if I belong in either city. Here's why...

Titusville is the retirement capital of the US. It's not even really a city. The most exciting thing to do on most nights is go to Wal-Mart. The population is mostly senior citizens and families, and everyone drives slowly and eats at places like Steve's. John Deere and camouflage clothing and accessories are perpetual trends. There are virtually no college students in Titusville, except those who attend BCC. Even the UCF students eventually end up in Orlando.

When in Tallhassee, though, you can't go anywhere without seeing a college student. Literally, they are everywhere. This is a college town to the max. Everywhere there is culture and music (maybe not the most desirable culture or music, but culture and music nonetheless). People here drive like maniacs, and there is always traffic to battle. There are much fewer pickup trucks and many more police patrol cars. Parties, alcohol, nightclubs, bars, couples in their twenties, stupid pranks, student protests; this is Tallahassee.

Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating, but this is my take on the two cities. I've never thought about it that much before now, but I don't think these two cities could really be more different. Well, okay, yeah they could. But still. Man.

My favorite smile is back!

The day
was
short.

The Yankees. Man. In case anyone didn't know, they just won every game in a 5-game series against Boston. Some of the games were just brutal. But the Yankees, they rock. Seeweeuswee.

Also, the week before school starts is cool, even if I have a lot of stuff to do. For example, today I slept in until 12:30 (yeah, I know, that's not cool), watched the Yankees win, and then practiced for almost 5 hours. What day could be better? (Don't answer that.)

I have that stupid song stuck in my head...

Give a little bit,
Give a little bit of my life to you.

Also, the game is on rain delay. Ahh!

Why am I on facebook at 1:10 at night. Why.

I'm going to Tallahassee tomorrow, and I won't see a good many people for a while. Before I go, I'd like to write a little bit to some of my friends:

Erin- Thank you for being available to hang out with me with your busy schedule. Thank for for listening to me and my silly little problem, and thank you for not being mad when I don't always choose (okay--I hardly ever choose) to hang out with the gang. And thank you for finally making your boyfriend come and meet me!

Josh- Thank you for, once again, almost single-handedly making my summer. Thank you for always being welcoming and understanding. And fun! After all, it's all about the fun. And thank you for going dancing with me, though I'm pretty sure you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Rebecca- Thank you for putting up with my anti-social policies, and for not getting mad at me when I'm not always the best friend in the world. Thank you for always being nice and interested in what I have to say.

Asher- Thank you for helping me, whenever I need it.

The FSU fluties- Thank you for keeping in touch over the summer, and for the super fun day at Disney! I forsee many a flute lunch in the future.

Amanda- Thank you for always inviting me places, and for your perpetual warmth.

And thank you everybody, for understanding that I need a lot of time for myself and for putting up with my mistakes.

One more night at home, and I'm off!

POST

1) Yanks win double-header against Boston! The second game set the record for the longest 9-inning game (EVER). But we won both games!!!

2) Yay, my computer isn't going to blow up.

3) Goodbye to Titusville and all its inhabitants very soon.

PA:
"Have a great reminder of your summer."

lol

Lest you think I am trying to fool myself, I'll confess: I am scared of alcohol, and I am scared of boys--those whom I don't know, and some who I do (know). And I will go to great lengths to avoid these two things. Call me paranoid, but these seem pretty fatal to a woman.

STUFF

Yup, that about sums it up.

The more we get together, the happier we'll be.

SO. I bought a new flute at the NFA convention. Yes, friends, ol' Sharko is no longer my flute (well, it soon won't be). I know, I know, it has served me extremely well, and I am sad to see it go. I hope that its new owner loves it as much as I did. But I digress.
It took two whole days of trying out different brands and headjoints, but I finally decided that my new and improved flute would be a shiny new Burkhart. It is 0.998% solid silver, has 0.018" thick walls, open holed, inline G, B-foot, with a C# trill. The tone is MUCH darker than the old Powell Sig, and everything I play on it is somehow instantly more beautiful. I think that it is going to help me a great deal to grasp the feminine side of flute playing, which seems to be an ongoing weakness for me. Give me Martin, give me Muczynski, and I'll do fine, but as soon as you ask me to play Mozart or Handel, I'm gone.
The price of the flute scares me to think about (and I AM paying for all of it, with money that I earned myself), so I'm not gonna tell you how much it was. All I know is that I'm pretty darn sure that I'm not going to be residing in London for a semester this year (aka it was REALLY EXPENSIVE).

The convention itself was wonderful, as I expected it to be. I saw some really top-notch players, including Alexa Still, Jim Walker, Robert Dick, Marianne Gedegian, Bradley Garner, and Carol Wincenc. The concerto concert featured the Mozart G major concerto, played so beautifully that it almost broke my heart to hear it. The final concert ended with Robert Dick playing 6 Robert Dick pieces. What a genius. I mean, it really doesn't get any better than that.
The competitions and masterclasses I attended were all pretty amazing, too, but there is a definite difference in my mindset from last year. I mean, I am getting really close to being able to do some of this stuff. Possibly with the addition of my new flute and another half year of earnest practice, I will be able to compete with these conservatory students. Possibly.

Anyway, everything is always a learning and growing process. I'm very lucky to have been able to go to the convention, to have enough money to buy a wonderful brand new flute (and it is brand new--they just finished it the day before the convention opened). I can't help but wonder why I have been chosen to live such a blessed life, and I can't help but think that I give back an uneven and inadequate amount. Someday when I am complaining about my bad luck in life, remind me of this summer, and tell me what I owe.

NFA convention is over, and I return home with a loaded brain, a shiny new object, and an empty wallet. More later.

No more work for a while.

I'm back, but I'll be gone in a day.

(That sounds like a song lyric).

Tally-ho! (whatever that means.)

These next couple weeks are going to be pretty busy for me. I leave tomorrow for Tallahassee, to move furniture and stuff into the new apartment. I'll be back either Sunday or Monday (or possibly Tuesday) of next week, and then leave early on Wednesday for Pittsburg, to go to the national flute convention. I'll get back from that the next Sunday, and then I'll have about a week or so before I go back to school. Everything is happening so fast, and I'm worrying a little bit that this isn't really going to give me a lot of time to practice. But I'm sure it'll all work out. It always does.

A great day to wake up and find the city that never sleeps
As king of the hill, top of the heap!

These little town blues
Are melting away
They'll make a brand new start of it
In ol' New York!

If they can make it there,
they'll make it anywhere,
It's up to you, New York, New York!

If there was one evil appliance in the world, it would be the toaster.

I've figured out a lot of appliances. I have conquered the microwave. I own the oven. I beat the stove every time. But the toaster. I just don't get it. It burns my toast on the lowest levels. It pops my toast out before it has been fully toasted, even on the highest levels. If I pop my toast out myself, decide that it isn't ready yet, and pop it back in again, then there's no knowing how long it's going to be in there for. Sometimes the toaster doesn't want to accept items. You try to push the button down, and the toaster refuses! It's like it wants to be lazy or something! Sometimes, smoke comes out of the toaster for no reason. Bagels get severely burnt in small, isolated sections while inside the toaster.

Toaster! Someday, I will understand you. Someday.

And dude, guys, I am totally owning the flute this summer. I'm spending a lot of time on technique. Especially double-tonguing (an hour a day keeps the...ummm...slow and awkward tongue away. okay that just sounds weird). I can't even begin to describe how excited I was when I discovered that I could play the second Peter and the Wolf excerpt at the tempo. It's the best when you can see your own progress. Well, hear your own progress, in this case. But I am doing something with my life! I am working hard, and I am reaping what I sow! And it's not only the flute, it's everything! I am having a useful and fun summer! It all fell into place, and there is only one person I can thank for it. For all this opportunity and peace. Thank you, God!

I promise that I am thinking more than I've been posting. I have all this time at work to just think. I mean, I sit there, mindlessly performing my task, thinking about stuff. It's all I have to do, really. I mean, I don't really work with any people. It's just me and my music. Sometimes I think so hard that abruptly "wake up" when something breaks my train of thought. Have you ever thought that hard?

I think about all kinds of things. Marriage. Family. War. Peace. Leaders. Religion. God. Scripture. Music. Orchestras. My dreams. Animals. Life. Death. Human nature. This generation. History. The news. Anything that decides to enter my brain.

During the 12:00 hour, NPR plays all Mozart music. They call it "Mozart Cafe." When I listen to this, I can't help but have conversations in my head with Mozart. I guess he's like my adult imaginary friend.

And with all this pondering, I think of a lot of good things to write in here. At least 10 times a day, I think to myself, "Wow, you should write that in your blog. Store it in the brain so you can retrieve it." But everytime I sit down to write any of these thoughts, one of three things happens:
A) I can't remember what I thought about
B) It ends up sounding way too stupid or controversial. or communist.
C) I get the urge to write about the Yankees instead

So that's why I haven't been posting anything of any value lately. And because blogger got booted out of my schedule. I think I have a lot of time, and I do, but no matter how much time you have, you really don't have any time. That's how it ends up, anyway. But that's the best way.

Congratulations, Melky! You made it to Wikipedia!

Sometimes I think I should be in Wikipedia.

This may sound a little obvious, but I really like playing the flute.

Thank you, my friends, for so much good this summer.

Yesterday, my dad asked me if unicorns were real animals.
And he was serious.

I'm regressing, I'm regressing...
no, Heart, please. Don't take away my summer fun. Please.

I suprise myself by how attached I really am to baseball and the NYY. I always liked watching them, but now...I've become a fanatic! At work, I find myself thinking about the upcoming game, wondering if we will ever outplay the Red Sox to the #1 spot, wishing I could be watching the day's game instead of being at work. What has come over me? Really!

Only in Port St. John would you see an obese woman driving along the street in a riding lawnmower, smoking a cigarette.

Ha! Funny I should mention flying dreams today. I saw the Superman movie. He is SO dreamy. Haha. Girl.

My favorite part of the movie (no spoilers here, I think) was when Superman was little, running through the fields as fast as he could, leaping as high as buildings. Then he could fly! That part really struck a chord in me. Superman can do whatever he wants. I'm sure that I have dreams like that, and they are my absolute favorite kind. There is freedom, lightness, bliss. No tension, no worries, just the feeling that everything in life is perfect. I know exactly what superman was feeling at that moment. I've felt it before. I've done it before!

Just the other day, actually, I had a flying dream. And I knew that it was a dream. Has that ever happened to you, having a dream and knowing it is a dream? Well I did. And Craig was flying next to me. I said, "Craig, this is a really a dream, we can do whatever we want!" (He didn't believe me). And then I didn't know what to do. I mean, if you could do whatever you wanted to do, with no consequence, what would you do? Plus my choices of activity were kind of limited, as I was left only to the choices that my subconscious mind gave me, which isn't much...(I am grammEr smrt)

Plus, throughout the movie, I was reminded of the marching band show my junior year. One of the pieces we played was Superman. I was drum major, and that was the piece that I conducted. It was my theme! There are some good memories and some bad memories connected to that theme, but none of that changes the music. It's really all about the music.

(That was my favorite show that we did. Still is.)

According to my dreams, you can't fly unless you are totally relaxed.

If you were a girl, you would know that Ibuprofen doesn't last all night. And that it takes about 30 minutes to start working.

And that it's REALLY hard to sleep when you feel like someone is inside of you trying to slash your stomach to itty bitty pieces from the inside out. With a chainsaw. And it's not working, so that person just keeps trying harder and harder as the night progresses.

And after that, you get a week of feeling angry and sad and worthless and ugly, because your clothes don't fit right and your face is full of red marks. And snapping at people that you love, eating as many calories as you can possibly stuff into your body, and crying over stupid things like a pencil falling onto the floor.

But it's worth it. I enjoy being a girl.

erstwhile. I should find out what that means.

This is what summer should be like. A part-time job, a constant project (which for me will forever be the flute), old friends, new friends, good clean fun, growth in life, growth, GROWTH!, travels, thunderstorms, happiness. I've never been more at peace with the world.

To a life where I can watch the sun set
And take my time
Take all our time

(As a sidenote, it rained about two hours after they washed the car).

What decides which hand is the dominant hand?

It's nice when I happen to sit at the computer and glance out the window when there is a beautiful sunset outside. I really, really like sunsets.

Swing dancing is the ultimate.

Balance.

Work gives me a lot of paper cuts.

I'm going to be playing in a 150-member flute choir in a few weeks. Crazy? Yes.

Okay, I'll admit it. No I won't.

No baseball tonight! I think I watch TV (a lot of it is baseball) almost equal the amount of time that I practice every week.

I hope Amsler notices my hard work the next time I play for her.

My parents are going to wash the car. I tell them it's crazy, it rains every day, why are you washing the car? Of course they don't listen.

I'm buying a new flute at NFA. I hope I find the perfect one. I hope my flute is there. And I can afford it. The perfect match. I won't take anything less than love.

I figured a lot of things out tonight. And I am happy. Very, very happy. I love my life!!!

Okay, so here's the deal. If I had a boyfriend from college, I would be wishing he could be here now, and that's all I would be able to think about, and I would be sad. If I had a boyfriend from home, I would miss him all year while at FSU, and I would be alone. But neither of those happen. I am single, and I am not missing anyone (well, not any special boyfriend), and I am happy!

In all things, we need moderation, and we need balance. I have found moderation and balance. Thank you.

Tonight is the all-state of baseball. On a little bit bigger scale. I don't think I'm going to watch it. I need my four hours, and I want to swing! Besides, everyone knows that the AL is going to blow the NL out of the water.

I haven't been posting very well lately, have I?
Oh well.

In short:
-The Internet has been down (and I've realized how much I use it!)
-It's been a relaxing weekend
-Red Sox lost a 19 inning game
-AH!

Still, bringing people joy is the greatest joy.

There's something very inspirational about watching fireworks with a live orchestra behind you playing the 1812 Overture finale. There was a moment when I didn't think anymore, I just felt. This may sound crazy, as the orchestra was the BSO (Brevard, not Boston) playing through these ghastly speakers, but even bad music has its moments. Tonight was magic.

And earlier in the day, I watched a shuttle launch from my backyard. And ate cheeseburgers and french fries for dinner. I'm an American, and I'm proud of it. Happy birthday, country. Let's hope you don't pull a Rome on us someday.


(Eat it up, J.P; today is your day.)

Thanks, J.P., for popularizing the piccolo. I owe ya one. I guess I should stop knocking your music.

Today is Tom Cruise's birthday. They said on the radio.

In the movies, couples in love always end up together. Either that or they end up dead.

Yanks win, Red Sox lose. That's what I like to see. I think I am going to make a shirt someday that says "Got Melk?" Haha.

For some reason, I started thinking about dinosaurs today. T-rexes are funny. They are these huge, ferocius creatures feared by all, and they have these skinny, tiny little arms--good for nothing, really. T-rex skeletons are so funny. Colossal creatures, huge head, gigantic body, I can't even imagine seeing one in real life (I think I would pee my pants), but their arms! You can't really take t-rexes seriously after seeing their arms. Silly t-rexes. Why do they even have arms?

And then I started thinking about how mythological dinosaurs sound. I can guarantee you that nobody would believe in dinosaurs if we didn't have proof. They are giant lizards. Some with spikes or razor sharp teeth, some with necks longer than a couple school buses, some that spit acid, some that fly. They sound incredibly like something that somebody would make up, don't they? But we all believe in them, because we have proof that they existed! Sometimes I find myself involuntarily thinking to myself that dinosaurs weren't real at all. That they are just something we hear about in books, like unicorns. But they were real. They were. There's no denying the evidence. Isn't it amazing what we can believe when we have proof, and what we can't believe when we don't have proof?

This summer ain't half bad.

One of the two rooms that I work in is this large meeting room with a big table in the middle. All around the peremeter of the room are boxes of medical records, overflowing and leaning like that Pisa tower. This room also happens to be a one in which a lot of employees pass through throughout the day. So while I'm sitting there, alphabetizing my files like a good employee, I get a lot of comments from passerbys. Sometimes people stop to have a little chat about my life, and sometimes they talk about their day. But most of the comments are about the overflowing files in the room. Apparently they look very menacing.

"Wow, you really have your work cut out for you!"
"I'm picturing you with gray hair and wrinkles, still working those files."
"Are you sure you're getting paid enough?"
"Makes you want to stay in college, huh?"

Well, today, a lady passed through and said to me (I didn't get a word in edgewise),
"I wouldn't take your job for all the tea in China. You mother says that you listen to the music and you like it, but I wouldn't ever like it."
And then she was gone.

Now, tell me if I'm wrong, but that woman basically said to me, "Haha!! You're job SUCKS!"

As soon as she was gone, I laughed very hard. For a very long time.

These people only think that things look bad because they don't know what's going on. In reality, everything is very organized. But that's my little secret.

Yanks won.

This sentence taken out of context is really funny:
"He was a Red Sock for a year."

There Were Roses
(Tommy Sands)

My song for you this evening, it's not to make you sad
Nor for adding to the sorrows of this troubled northern land,
But lately I've been thinking and it just won't leave my mind
I'll tell you of two friends one time who were both good friends of mine.

Allan Bell from Banagh, he lived just across the fields,
A great man for the music and the dancing and the reels.
O'Malley came from South Armagh to court young Alice fair,
And we'd often meet on the Ryan Road and the laughter filled the air.

There were roses, roses
There were roses
And the tears of the people
Ran together

Though Allan, he was Protestant, and Sean was Catholic born,
It never made a difference for the friendship, it was strong.
And sometimes in the evening when we heard the sound of drums
We said, ``It won't divide us. We always will be one.''

For the ground our fathers plowed in, the soil, it is the same,
And the places where we say our prayers have just got different names.
We talked about the friends who died, and we hoped there'd be no more.
It's little then we realized the tragedy in store.

It was on a Sunday morning when the awful news came round.
Another killing has been done just outside Newry Town.
We knew that Allan danced up there, we knew he liked the band.
When we heard that he was dead we just could not understand.

We gathered at the graveside on that cold and rainy day,
And the minster he closed his eyes and prayed for no revenge.
All all of us who knew him from along the Ryan Road,
We bowed our heads and said a prayer for the resting of his soul.

Now fear, it filled the countryside. There was fear in every home
When a car of death came prowling round the lonely Ryan Road.
A Catholic would be killed tonight to even up the score.
``Oh, Christ! It's young O'Malley that they've taken from the door.''

``Allan was my friend,'' he cried. He begged them with his fear,
But centuries of hatred have ears that cannot hear.
An eye for an eye was all that filled their minds
And another eye for another eye till everyone is blind.

So my song for you this evening, it's not to make you sad
Nor for adding to the sorrows of our troubled northern land,
But lately I've been thinking and it just won't leave my mind.
I'll tell you of two friends one time who were both good friends of mine.

I don't know where the moral is or where this song should end,
But I wondered just how many wars are fought between good friends.
And those who give the orders are not the ones to die.
It's Bell and O'Malley and the likes of you and I.

There were roses, roses
There were roses

Well, the FSU orchestra repertoire for the 06-07 school year is out, and I am pumped up! Philharmonia is playing Mozart 25 (though it has no flute parts, sadness), Vaughan Williams 3 (I'm listening to it right now...beautiful, stunning, brilliant!), Tchaik 4 taken ON TOUR!, Honegger, Sibelius, Prokofiev, Mendelssohn, and more, oh man!
I know I won't be playing all of this (and certainly not the all best parts on all the best pieces, as I daydream about), but just the thought of all that wonderful music is making me go crazy. It's enough to make me actually practice my excerpts instead of spending all day with Mr. Taffanel and Mr. Gaubert. I miss orchestra!

Tammy: "Don't touch her! She's..."
Goran: "She's what?"
silence

Everything is a learning experience. Wildacres made me realize more than ever before that I am at the right college and with the right teacher.

It was fun and all. And all of the teachers loved me and my playing. But it was emotionally difficult for reasons I'd rather not go into detail about.

Here are some of the crazy highlights:

-Marcusson: "People will pay a fortune to hear you play!"
-Watching Stephen Preston make and eat a s'more for the very first time
-People clap before the baroque piece is over. "There's more," he says, "Sorry."
-Taking a flute entirely apart and putting it back together in under two hours
-A tipsy Goran Marcusson kissing me goodnight (right after he kissed Brad Garner goodnight)
-Marcusson imitating a mountain goat!
-Seeing my new college hero, Martha Long, play
-Swinging on a swingset while screaming the song "Henry the Eighth"
-THE BEST CHOCOLATE CAKE EVER
-Brad Garner telling me that he is in love with me
-Getting asked if I know Jessey Howard like 3788272 times
-The idea of a cow with vibrato
-New Century Saxophone Quartet--wow!
-A new fan club made up of flute ladies
-Dogs running across the stage in the middle of recitals
-Hearing some real, authentic blues. "one, two, you know what to do!"
-Apparently skanks are metallic
-Meeting lots and lots of new people

All in all, a good experience. Life experience, flute experience. I think I learned a lot. Perhaps more than I bargained for.

So, I'm, like, going to this flute retreat thing, and like, I'm gonna be gone for about a week, so c-ya latah, dudes.

I probably won't be able to pick up email or post on blogger until next Saturday/Sunday-ish, so yeah.

Wish me luck--I'm playing for two very famous and very knowledgeable flute players, getting a lesson from probably the most influential flute player in America (and possibly my future teacher), playing a theatrical piece at a recital, rooming with somebody who I have never seen or spoken to before, and attempting to take apart an old flute and put it back together again without breaking anything. It should be a fun-filled week. And by fun-filled, I mean educational. And by educational, I mean really crazy. Yeah.

It's okay, everything is okay.

Work, practice, fun, sleep, repeat.
I've got the good life.

No music major should ever be bored. Never.

One of the many difficulties in a serious musician's life is the practice. You doubt that you have practiced enough in the past, you worry if you will practice enough in the present, and you wonder if you will practice enough in the future. This practice difficulty is always present--24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It never gives you a break, even when you are on a weeklong cruise ship, even when you take a day off to go to a water park. Even when you have already practiced 6 hours in the day. And this is the life I have chosen.

Wow! What a day! (Yesterday).

Typhoon Lagoon, birthday party, Pleasure Island, and my first experience "clubbing" (that word will always remind me of Mr. Jarvis talking about baby seals).

I've finally experienced the mysterious world of the clubs. I am scared of something about them. I can't pinpoint exactly what. Is the the drunk men? The alcohol itself? The attention? My own inexperience?...my past sins and horrible judgement, and present regret? Well, whatever it is, I'm pretty sure I'm not made for clubs. I'm all about good, clean fun.

Besides, I like intellectual men, not drunken maniacs. And yes, I'm pretty sure that they are mutually exclusive.

"How ya doin?"
(My brain): "Well, I was doing okay until you talked to me."

Anyway, I got to spend a lot of time with some of my very favorite people from FSU, and that is always awesome. Thank you Jacqui, and happy 19th anniversary.

Lots of stuff, but tired tired tired now.
ZZZZZ

Says one of our Jackson beginning flute students after Alyssa and I play a duet:
"Wow! You could play on street corners!"

Minor-keyed waltzes are really cool.

I SO watched the finals of the national spelling bee today. And I'll have all you bigheaded guys out there know that the top three finishers were all GIRLS.

Two people got out on music vocabulary words. Giocoso!

I'm going to play for Stephen Preston and Goran Marcusson (that's probably spelled wrong) at Wildacres! Yay!

Anyone have any idea how I can get ahold of a piano part to the Mozart flute and harp concerto?

We are certainly working through all the injuries. My dad and I were on a high tonight! What a game, a good, team effort.

Today I tried to watch The Who's rock opera, Tommy, but it was too weird, even for me (and I can take a lot of weird). I had to turn it off.

The sunset is so beautiful right now. Pink and purple and orange and blue strewn across the sky. It's times like this that make me wish I had a special someone to share them with.

(I admire the sunset for a while.)

The sun is almost gone now. It seems like whenever it gets to its most beautiful time, whenever you wish the sunset could stay forever, that's when it starts leaving. Fleeing moments of beauty, that's what love has been for me.

Editor's note: This wasn't a "pity me" post, I am really very happy, it was just too easy to make the connection. Sorry.

MATSUI IS OUT THE REST OF THE SEASON.
:( :( :(
This makes me very sad.

I'm tired, and I don't feel like writing a whole lot, but I will tell you this: I didn't get a callback, and I am not the least bit unhappy about it.

There was a girl there who I knew who really wanted to make it onto the sub list.

"I really want to make it on the subbing list," she said.
"I want to audition...and I did. So I win." I said.

I am very proud of my effort. As well I should be.

Tick tock telling us it's time..time..time...time
Soon the morning bells will chime...chime..chime..chime

(10 points to whoever can guess where that is from)

EXCESS ENERGY!

Yo yo homie g dawgs.

Most people think I don't have a chance of winning this audition. What they don't know is that I have already won.

I can hear myself getting better day by day: that's what I call winning. If I win the position, if I get a subbing spot, if I get a callback, or if I totally bomb the audition, it doesn't really matter, because I have won already.

"Remember, you're not practicing for next week, you're practicing for next year."
-Geoffrey Gilbert

Ain't it the truth.

The lights in my house dance, just for me.

Today: a very good day!
I needed to get out of the house. I wasn't going to waste another day by telling myself to practice all day and not actually doing it. (Just in case anyone is wondering, that's not a good plan, and it doesn't make for a very happy day). So what if doomsday is drawing nearer minute by minute. I can take it.

So I ended up painting Beth's room with some wonderful company. Rewards included food, dessert, and upwards. Good conversation. The works.

My parents, on an impulse, bought a new covertible! A snazzy red seabring (or seabing? maybe?). So what happens to their old car? It's mine!
They traded MY old car in for the same price that they bought it. Maybe a broken odometer has some perks after all. Oh yes.

Also, the promise of dancing tomorrow makes me happy. "Let's set it in stone."

Put on your dancing shoes
Stop wasting time
Put on your dancing shoes
Watch your spirits fly!

So in the end, I had a great day, and, by chance, happened upon a better car than I had before. Pretty good deal, I'd say.

All this good has to balance out sometime, so I'll be expecting some hard times in the future. Bring it on, life. I owe you.

Every time I practice that da..rn piccolo solo from Tchaikovsky's fourth symphony, I get so mad because I can't play it, and I have to take a break. It's so dang frustrating. Darn darn darn. Why is it so haaaarrrd. Tchaikovsky, ahhh. Why did you write that. Curse you.

These are some of the facebook groups they have at Juilliard:

Juilliard Is Overrated
Description: don't get us wrong, it ain't bad, but it ain't GOD either....

I go to Juilliard, I am Insane
Description: Because I notice all the time how my thoughts and actions don't make any coherent sense amongst the rest of the inhabitants of the real world.

The Hallways Have Great Acoustics.
Description: Really, the instrumentalists are just jealous that we don't have to rely on something exterior to create our art, we can do it WHEREVER we want. Our favorite places include the elevators, the bathroom (oh the beautiful overtones you can hear from the john), the cafeteria, and oh yes, THE HALLWAYS. At least our ear training class is not painful to the ear.

I Never Practice
Description: We got into Juilliard, so that means we're good enough already, right?

Juilliard Kids are [really] Weird
Description: For all the peeps who think we Juilliardians are totally whacked out. DJs, ping-pong prodigies, game masters, dancers who sing Gershwin really well, violinists who rock at the Beatles, poets. That and the people that buzz their lips or contort into crazy stretches while waiting in line at the Juilicaf. We all have a side that our fellows rarely, if ever, see; we are an extreme group of people. Be proud!

You know, I don't have any idea what I look like. I don't have any idea what I am going to see when I look in the mirror. It seems to me that every time I see my reflection, it shows me something different. And I am suprised, every time, at what I look like.

I could go by what people tell me I look like: for example, I am short. But you know what? I don't feel short, and I don't look short when I see myself. I am only short compared to other people.

Sometimes I try to look into the mirror and see myself as other people see me. Try to see the things they say about me. Try to see what kind of a first impression I would make if I met myself. And I can't do it. I can't see myself from the outside.

I always end up smiling at myself when I do these kinds of things, because I know I am acting so silly. And then I realize once again that I, as well as everybody in the world, look a lot better when I am smiling.

One week until doomsday.

You know, the classical music haters don't know what they are missing. I love classical music (aka any music played by an orchestra. Not really. But the general understanding of "classical music" is a lot more broad than classical alone). I also love rock music, and pop and world music and jazz and other stuff. I know what life would be like without classical music. And I can see how much people are missing by not giving it a chance.
Seriously, there is a another whole world out there. A beautiful and deep and expressive world. And many, many people are missing out on it. I don't look down on them for not liking classical music...I pity them.

Edit: I suppose pity is a way to look down on someone, so maybe in a way I do look down on these people. But not in the classic sense. Haha.

PERSON NUMBER FOUR
I can trust you. I can tell you things, and you understand. You put up with a lot, and you don't complain about it. You don't have the best luck in the world. I love you a lot, and you are one of the best friends I will ever have.

Today was the first time I've ever been in work and the time to leave caught me by suprise. I just glanced at the time, and POOF! It was time to go. My job must be really good.

I've suddenly been awakened to many flaws in my life. Mostly in my playing and in my moral character. It doesn't feel good. I want to be better. I'm not good enough, and it's really getting to me.

PERSON NUMBER THREE:
You are one of the most fun, understanding, and easygoing people I know. In many ways, I can talk to you more openly than I can talk to anybody else, mainly because we have a lot of important things in common. You are a true friend. Your influence has been all good. Thanks for being you.

"People named Bubba don't need a last name."
-Dad

Finally! A breath of fresh air. And not with Terri Gross, either.

Okay. I should be getting happier and more energetic right abouuut....now.

5 people...maybe:

You've taught me and helped me more than you would ever guess. More than anyone would ever guess. I like you, but you probably don't think I do. You were involved in the one and only night that I wish I could erase from my life. But I forgive you. It wasn't only your fault.

I've always liked you. Ever since I met you. You're witty, smart, nice, and just plain fun. We've had a lot of fun in the past. You put up with all my stupidity, and you go along with every crazy plot I think up. I think the influence you've had on me has been all good, whatever way you look at it (and there are a lot of ways to look at it). It's too bad that I can't see you very often anymore. Oh, and I'm sorry for that one time where I put you in a really awkward situation. That wasn't all my fault, but I could have handled it better, I think.

Okay two people. Maybe 3 more later.

I feel bleeeeeh.
But at least I feel, that's the main thing.

Well, I don't know how many people read this anymore. It's kind of crazy to think about how much life has changed since I first started writing in here. And how much I have changed. I know that I'm not the person that I used to be. I hope I'm a better person. I hope that we are all better people than before. I hope that I don't make the same mistake twice. Because man, have I made mistakes. There are a couple things that, since I have started writing in here, that I wish I didn't do. A couple of things I wish I hadn't said. There are a couple things that I wonder how I didn't do. Some people I wish I had met earlier, or later, or maybe not at all. I remember it all too clearly. And there are a couple things that I wish didn't happen, but they did, because you can't control everything. Sometimes, you have to choose between two evils and hope that everything turns out allright. And it will. Everything always turns out allright, even if you think it doesn't. After all, there is a reason for everything.

I'm definitely full of memory; some make me cringe to think about, some make want to me cry. I can't believe some of the things I did. How could I have done that? How could I have been duped into doing these things? What was I thinking? And in some cases, how could I have handled it better? God gives me circumstances, and leaves me to decide what to do. Sometimes the best path is very, very difficult to figure out. And to carry out. Sometimes when I look back, I wonder if there ever was a best path. Is there always a best path?

And sometimes, we are so blind. We do not know what consequences our actions have. It's all in the hands of God. We think we have everything under control, always moving forward, but what do we know? We know nothing.

I should hope that I have become more holy in the process. That is what I hope for everyone. I hope that I will be able to wake up tomorrow a better person than I woke up today. But I know that it won't just happen itself. It's the work of a lifetime. And so we continue down the path, stumbling and falling and getting back up, because that is what we must all do.

And I really hope that I can find him someday.

-------------------------------------------------

This winter, my old flute teacher had a get-together with her old students, now all in college. One of her old students is now in a relationship with this guy, who she is apparently enamored with. We were all discussing it together.

"He calls me about three times a day," she said.

"Wow," I said, "I don't think I'd want someone calling me three times a day."

"Then you have never been in love," my teacher said.

I'm pretty sure that for a period of time during my childhood, I would say a week at the very least, I didn't spit out my toothpaste when I brushed my teeth. I swallowed it.

Sometimes I wish for things that cannot happen.

And sometimes even music cannot substitute for tears...

You: So, how is life, Ashley?
Me: Same. This summer is turning out to be exactly what I thought it would be. And that's okay.

I like this Emma girl. She sees right through the little shows that people constantly put on.

Gosh, it's time to buckle down.

I'm sorry, friends. I'm being anti-social again. Maybe it's not me; maybe it's this place. I'm certainly not anti-social at FSU. It was freedom. This is not freedom. This is NOT freedom.

-------------------------------------

Once upon a time, a frog ate a fly.
And then he ate another one.
And another one.
The flies started getting angry.
They got together.
They plotted against the frog.
They attacked the frog.
The frog died, surrounded by flies.
The end.

Also, in my dream last night, I was voted to be the pope. And I stood in front of the crowd of people, and I didn't know what to say. I knew that everybody was expecting something very peculiar, because I was a girl and I was 19 years old. But all I could think about was how Odie (in the comic "Garfield") always stuck his tongue out, and how stupid it made him look.

Life keeps going! I can't stop it.

I need to get away. I've been here too long.

I just realized that I haven't been outside for two days. That probably isn't healthy.

But I did watch a cat own a stupid little snake worm today. You go, kitty.

I've been practicing a lot. More than I ever have in my life, I think. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have something productive to occupy all my time, I would be lazy and idle and bored.

I just read this book Blue Like Jazz, and the author's description of what writers do is hilarious:

"Writers don't make any money at all. We make about a dollar. It is terrible. But then again we don't work either. We sit around in out underwear until noon then go downstairs and make coffee, fry some eggs, read the paper, read part of a book, smell the book, wonder if perhaps we ourselves should work on our book, smell the book again, throw the book across the room because we are quite jealous that any other person wrote a book, feel terribly guilty about throwing the schmuck's book across the room because we secretly wonder if God in heaven noticed our evil jealousy, or worse, our laziness. We then lie across the couch facedown and mumble to God to forgive us because we are secretly afraid He is going to dry up all our words because we envied another man's stupid words. And for this, as I said before, we are paid a dollar. We are worth so much more."

Okay, I got a brochure in the mail, and I just want to let you know how awesome Interlochen is. These are JUST SOME of the guest artists coming to the camp this summer:

Lee Ann Womack
The Pacifica Quartet
Cheap Trick
Willie Nelson (who also performed at FSU last year)
Ladysmith Black Mambazo
Olga Kern
Ian Anderson
Van Kilburn
Avalon String Quartet
Cantus

Man, even after all these years, I still wish I was going back.

For a while now, my life has been getting simpler. Things are very easy and very wonderful when life is simple. I know that this simplicity is rooted in my growing relationship with God. I have no stress now, no worries. I haven't had stress or worries for a while. I just do what God tells me to do, and trust that He always has a plan for me, and it's the best time I've ever had. Unless, of course, I don't do what God tells me to do. Then I don't feel so good. But then, it's my own fault. And I can always remember as the day closes that tomorrow is a new day, and I will have a chance to try even harder.

I wish everyone could feel like this. Not only because it would make their life better, but because it would make my life better. Stressful, worried people are not happy people. And bad moods are contagious.
I know, I'm selfish.

A lot of times I see people, and I see that God is exactly what they need in their life. If they could just trust that everything is going to be okay, they would be so much happier. There is nothing to worry about. Things tend to work out, and everything happens for a reason. Anyway, it's only life, and it's going to end soon anyway.

"You spend too much time worrying about things that haven't even happened yet."

I don't know if I should post this. Well, I don't have comments, so okay.

The ship is still rocking.
Today has been a good day. I went to the library and got too many books to read before the due date, as usual. It's not my fault. They suck me in.

If only every day of summer was like today...

I have an important audition coming up.

And still, I feel the ship rocking. Literally.

A lot of stuff happened on the cruise. I'm way too lazy to write it all (even if it was possible), so I'll think I'll choose a few random things to tell you:

The ship was huuuge. There was food everywhere. And ice sculptures. And they charged you for whatever they possibly could.

Most commonly I could be found playing ping-pong, shooting hoops, or sunning. I played my flute a little bit, but the cruise was generally a break from the flute. The shows were great. They need a new lead trumpet, I think. The rocking of the ship bothered me a little at the beginning, but now it's weird to be on land. I can still feel it rocking.

The first stop was a private island. It was beautiful (though tourist-y), and the highlight of that day was being able to jet ski...for an hour! I fell off once. Actually more like flew off. Those things are a lot harder to ride than they look. It was exciting because this cute jet ski instructor (who actually ended up being on the international ice skating cast, who knew) asked me if I was okay. Haha, Andre. He was foriegn.

The next stop was on an island where my family signed up to snorkel. It was very interesting and cool. I saw turtles, tropical fish, coral, and a sting ray. The only catch to that day was that I got seasick on the little boat that took us snorkeling, and at the same time, I had a stomach virus (I suspect it was from food poisoning). So after the little water trip, I went back to my room and felt bad for the rest of the day. Oh well: at least it was only for a day. Word to the wise: never get seasick, because it's kind of horrible.

I loved the little boat that we rode on (besides the fact that it made me sick). It was manned by three people: an old man (who definitely looked like a stereotypical captain), a young man, and a young woman. They really, really loved their job. On the way back from the snorkeling expedition, they served everyone as much free alcohol as they wanted. My family took avantage of the free rum and they all got really drunk. Then the crew made a great sales pitch selling Dubloon (the little boat) merchandise. The logo wasn't just any pirate skull, no no. It was a SCREAMING skull logo. Since everyone on the boat was drunk, all the crew had to do was ask shirt size to get a sale.

It really is an ingenious operation if you ask me. Everyone wins. The cruise ships guests get to have a great time snorkeling and then a great time drinking, and the crew of the boat gets to party all day and then get money from shirt and hat sales.

The next stop was on an island that was half french and half dutch. I liked the french half. Everyone dressed very fashionably and spoke english with an accent. All the signs were in french, so I got to see how much of the language I remembered from high school. Turns out it's not very much. My uncle gave me a mbira from that island. I was happy about that.

I gambled at the casino. My mom gave me two dollars in quarters to gamble with. I put them one by one into the slot machine, and I never got any back. What a rip off. I think that's the last time I'll ever gamble.

Okay, I'm done writing. That's all you'll get about the cruise.

I'm back, yay.