I am real, and the thing I like most about you is that you are real too.

Happy Independence Day!

Things seem different this time around. Maybe I have changed. Maybe it hasn't been long enough yet. Maybe things actually are different.

This summer I have meant to do some soul searching, figure out what the heck I am doing with my life; however, every time I gaze into my future, I end up digging deeper and deeper into the well of confusion and indecision. At this soon-to-be crossroads in my life, there are many decisions to be made, more decisions than the outside world can see with their eyes. And for one who is always so cautious, they weigh heavily on my mind. Risks, my friends. And consequences. There are always consequences.

(Do I know what true sadness feels like yet? Or maybe the better question is, do I know what true HAPPINESS feels like yet?)

Heavenly Father...help me in my time of need.

I am so hormonal right now.

I went to a Zoomba class with my mom today. The walls are covered by mirrors on all sides. I picked up most of the moves pretty easily, but man, I did not look good doing them. All this time I have been thinking that I am an average--or even good--dancer, but that is just not the case. Why didn't anyone ever tell me that I look like a lame square string bean when I dance?

After 6 years (yes, 6 years!) of working at the health department, I have finally made a friend. :) I never thought this day would come.

Wellp, Tituaville ultimate is a little different than I remember.

The level is as expected lower than I am used to playing with in Phoenix, but that is not what bothers me (I'll play with new players all day. It improves my skills on offense because I have to be more accurate in my throws.) What bothers me is that we played with 20 people on the field. Even before I really started getting into the sport, I hated playing with this many people at a time. It clogs the field, and as my primary strength in the game is speed, it makes me frustrated that I cannot find a place to run.

Just to beat a dead horse, here is a chart of how I am used to setting up when I play, in a horizontal stack with three handlers and four cutters. The blue dots are the offense, the red dots are the defense, and the green dot represents (hypothetically) me:



See? It's easy to make a cut to the handlers, make a cut deep, and to see what all of your teammates are going to do.

Here is a diagram of what Titusville ultimate looked like tonight, with the same colors representing the same things.



There's nowhere to run, and the field is just clogged with people. Can you see my frustration?

(And yes, I would like some cheese with that whine. I never say no to cheese!)

Titusville ultimate tonight!

So it's turns out that the Orlando NPR station doesn't play music anymore, only news. BUT it doesn't matter anyway because for some reason my old radio won't pick up the station at all anymore. Sigh. So much for being musically productive at work.

P.S. I am cold. ALL THE TIME.

Okay, so I went to Cracker Barrel with my family today. 2 of us ordered catfish, and both times the word "catfish" was said to the waitress, my dad was very loudly made a cat noise. "MEOW!"

Also, I start work tomorrow in a new place and a new set of faces. Even though this place is closer, I'd rather be working in the Titusville Health Department, Where Everybody Knows My Name.

Wellp, I'm in Florida. The work has not commenced yet, but the fun has! Yesterday we went boating and then out to celebrate my brother's 25th birthday. If you know him at all, you know he's quite the party animal. Things got a little crazy (not a lot crazy, just a little) at the piano bar, and a good time was had by all.

Also, unrelated, here is a conversation I had with a student of mine:

E: "I didn't get a lot of time to practice this week. I had the trip, and then [insert list of excuses]."
A: "That's okay. Sometimes weeks will come when you don't get a lot time to practice. It happens to everybody. Just last week I was only able to practice for 5 hours."
E: "5 hours in a week? How much do you usually practice?? Wait...do you practice an HOUR A DAY???"

lol

What a night!

Duuuurrrr, I made it to Florida. Yeah airplanes!

I'm on a PLANE!!!

I take off from Phoenix Sky Harbor in t-3 hours. And it's my first nonstop flight in, oh, I don't know, like 7-8 years. I am so excited! Florida (and money) here I come!

Florida tomorrow! And I'm feeling a bit under the weather right now. Ah well. The sum is the same.

I'm going to see my BOYS tonight at the D'backs field! Dan Haren vs. Andy Pettite! GO YANKEES!

Looking forward to being in Florida again!

Edit: my Internet is still down which explains my lack of blogging lately. Apologies.

Okay, the weather.com predictions for Tempe the next nine days are really funny:

Fri--sunny. high of 106. 0% chance of rain.
Sat--sunny. high of 105. 0% chance of rain.
Sun--sunny. high of 104. 0% chance of rain.
Mon--sunny. high of 104. 0% chance of rain.
Tue--sunny. high of 105. 0% chance of rain.
Wed--sunny. high of 107. 0% chance of rain.
Thu--sunny. high of 106. 0% chance of rain.
Fri--sunny. high of 107. 0% chance of rain.
Sat--sunny. high of 107. 0% chance of rain.


The weather here is a little predictable right now.

Brittney and I cancelled our cable a while ago. It took them about two months to come out and shut everything off. Two months of free channels--I'm okay with that. They were also nice enough to break my Internet in the process, free of charge! Since that's in Brittney's name, I'm going to have a really good time trying to get it fixed.

Bottom line: my Internet is derped.

Yesterday was terrible! I have no Internet and no television! I didn't realize how much I depend on those two things. I felt lost. Right now I am at the music library--and have just spent an hour catching up on a day's worth of Internet-ing. It's terrible.

I don't think I am going to try to call and have it fixed though. I only have a week left here and it'll be annoying, but heavens knows that even if I do manage to get all of the required account info AND make them believe that I am authorized to make decisions on the account, you know it will take them weeks to fix it. Cable companies are like that.

Uh, anyway, here's a cool song to make the post better: Neo Love...new love.

No I cannot forget where it is that I come from
I cannot forget the people who love me
Yeah, I can be myself here in this small town
And people let me be just what I want to be

Back to T-ville in 9 days!

It must cost less in AZ to get personalized plates, because I see them all the time! Today I spotted one: MNYPNNY. Made me smile :)

P: "How are you so attractive?"
A: "I play ultimate."

Back. Great tourney, tons of fun. Tired and sore :( But not too tired for Settlers!

Ultimate tourney this weekend: Mohini in Flagstaff. I'm playing on a Phoenix team with various VOTS kids. Our theme is pretty kickin': Mohini Militia, and we'll wear camo. Should be fun!

I think we have more control over our destinies than we often think we do. We say, oh, I can't control this, I can't control that. And we meekly receive what life alone offers us, sinking into acceptance of a life which is less than the potential. And we often forget to acknowledge that there is always a choice. We underestimate our own abilities--if only we had the courage to take hold of life, to demand, to demand upon love...wouldn't this be a better world for all?

Happiness is possible. But it's not always easy.

(I just told my story to a wall. Hope you liked it, wall.)

My first game of Risk ever (and this is the nerdy and awesome Lord of the Rings version), and this is how it ended:



(I was red).

PLEASE WORK.

Take that, GANON!

Edit: This is my 3,000th post. Happy anniversary!

You know, before I moved here, people would tell me how got it gets here in Phoenix, like 110-115, with highs above 100 for 3 or 4 months of the year. Now remember that I have spent most of my life in Florida. Florida is hot and humid and very unpleasant at times, but it rarely if ever gets above 100 degrees.

I think that before I moved here, I unconsciously did not actually believe that it could possibly get up to 115 degrees. And that if it did, I would be able to handle it...I'm a Florida girl, after all!

Yesterday I played ultimate when it was 107 degrees out. It was hot. My body did not want to move. I would say, run, dang it, run! And it would do nothing.

So in conclusion...it really does get that hot here. It is unpleasant, but not totally unbearable.

Gosh, when all days are equal...Sundays win hands down.

Didn't manage to stand up on the wakeboard--I pretty much lived up to my expectations. I am, however, quite sore today from trying 6 or 7 times and from tubing in the meantime. Also ultimate yesterday. And swimming.

SO SORE.

Dude, I found this on IMDB. This is Jewel Staite's vision of what Serenity 2 would look like:

If it were up to me, how would the characters' relationships conclude in Serenity 2? Okay. Hypothetically speaking only. River and Zoe really hit it off, fall in love, and decide to form their own renegade girls-who-kick-ass space team and leave us in the dust; Mal realizes he's more destroyed over Wash's death than he ever thought and spends the rest of his days wearing Hawaiian shirts and drinking booze out of the engine; Simon and Kaylee have a set of genius triplets and turn the ship into a cocker spaniel search-and-rescue with "crazy Grandpa Mal" still at the helm cradling toy dinosaurs; and Inara finally realizes the potential in Jayne as a male companion, loans him a toga, and takes him back to the training house where they become King and Companion Queen...you know you want that sequel!

Wakeboarding today...derp de derp.

Blah blah blah get life back on track blah blah blah.

So lots of plans fell through for Memorial Day weekend. Paul and I wanted to go on a trip together, we just didn't know to where. Plan A was Flagstaff, which turned out to still have snow, so no dice. Plan B was Rocky Point with some ulti friends, which never came to fruition. Plan C was the grand canyon, which didn't work for many reasons. So we looked at a few other options and I almost blindly chose to go to Chiricahua National Mounument, about 4 hours away in Arizona.

We left on Saturday morning and found that the campsite was full...so we ended up setting up camp in a flat spot in the woods. Good thing we brought toilet paper! I'm sure the stars would have been wonderful if we were able to venture outside of the tent. Who knew that there were so many mosquitoes in Arizona?

Sunday morning we woke up extremely early (not exactly by choice), rolled our tent into a ball and stuffed it into the car in hopes that we could nab a campsite right away. We did! After setting up camp, we had planned to do the main long hike, but a health problem brought us to the drug store 40 minutes away instead. Bleh. With that problem solved, we did two shorter hikes, heading to the top of Sugarloaf Mountain with some great views--not a hard hike at all at about an hour total--and then hiked to the natural bridge. This whole day had me worn out. We drove back to the campsite and Paul cooked dinner (while literally getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, no joke) while I snoozed in the mosquito-free tent. He's a good guy, readers.



On Monday we woke up quite a bit later than before (meaning like...8:30), and we packed up and got ready for the all-day hike. This was by far the best part of the trip, the part with the best views and coolest places to play. The park is made to protect these really awesome rocks, and in addition to seeing views of these rocks on the hike, we actually got to hang out inside the collection. I know it doesn't sound that cool on paper (or...web?) but it really was spectacular.



I'm not going to lie--the hike was a challenge. After this 5 1/2 hour trek, we were quite tired, and again Paul pulled through for me by driving the entire way home and buying me dinner and ice cream.

We ended the night with a few games of settlers, which is fast becoming our new addiction. I won one of them :). And now here I am!

If you guys have been wondering where I have been, the answer is Chiricahua National Monument. Will post more later.

I will be in Florida from June 24-July 26.
FYI.

Looks like I will be able to work while I am at home. Thank goodness, I was looking at my bank account today and pondering the fact that this is the first time in my life that money may become troublesome. God will provide.

So far this summer has been extremely unproductive but extremely fun!

Well I know it's just a matter of time
When the fun falls through and the rent comes due
Somewhere along the line

Thanks Billy Joel.

GOOD JOB WOMEN
GOOD JOB WOMEN
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN PAID MORE MONEY THAN THAT.

I know it's terrible quality...but it's so freaking funny!

Everyone is getting married and engaged. What IS this, my 20's???

I like ultimate frisbee. Just sayin'.

Yesterday, Paul and I went to an Italian restaurant which we knew nothing about. It turned out to be really good--the food was awesome and authentically Italian, it was small but had an intimate atmosphere, and there was a really good accordion player there, traveling from table to table serenading. He played this song twice while we were there, and it was really beautiful, very musical. It works well on accordion. The second time, the guy at the table he was playing for started singing...opera-style. He had everyone's attention. At the end, the entire restaurant burst into applause. I know this sounds like something I would make up, but it's not.

Anyhow, I guess I never really realized just how beautiful that song is or how musical the accordion can be--it took the musicality of an accordion player in a restaurant for me to figure it out. We music majors sure are thick headed sometimes.

So I have this amazing power to freeze and shiver and chatter the teeth when the weather is in the 90's! How exciting!

Also, I rickrolled a friend yesterday. Using his own iPod.

Guys are always surprised when I am as good as them at Smash Bros.

One of my oldest and dearest friends got engaged today. I've been friends with her for a whopping 12 years! And I love her so much. Congrats Beth!

There are some days when I just have absolutely no motivation to practice or to do anything productive at all. Laziness...it's like a craving.

How in the world did I just sleep 11 hours?

Wellp, Paul is gone for four days and Brittney moved out today (for the summer). A bunch of my other friends are out-of-town, so it looks like I'm going to see what life is like when you're truly on your own...for a couple of days.

Another 4.0 semester. YAY! Time to go...be productive?

Predominantly women's league is awesome. 5 women, 2 men on the field. This is how ultimate should always be played.

Either I'm going crazy and all milk suddenly tastes bad to me, or all Lucerne milk is suddenly bad right from the store. Probably the first one.

Wow, writing that made me feel good.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
John 15: 12-13

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, about "laying your life down for a friend." I had never really given this phrase much thought before. Because of the verse that comes before it ("Love each other as I have loved you"), I had always thought that to "lay down your life for a friend" meant that you were willing to die for a friend, or in a friend's place. It makes sense. That is how Jesus loved.

I have to admit that I don't know if I would be willing to die for a friend. But that is for another discussion.

The more I think about it, though, the more I don't think that's exactly what the verse means. Think about it. Jesus is alive as He is saying this. He has not been crucified yet. The disciples have no idea that He is going to die for them. And He tells them: "Love each other as I have loved you"--not "Love each other as I will love you."

Besides, we believe that life does not end when we die; we believe that a new life BEGINS when we die. Therefore, dying in place of another is not "laying down your life." Dying in place of another is gaining life.

So what does this verse mean? I think it means that we need to love here on Earth as Jesus loved here on Earth. This brings me to another verse:

So he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
John 13: 4-5

"Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you."
John 13: 14-15

In other words, we need to be servants to one another. We need to help each other in times of need, and not think about ourselves. We need to give selflessly without thinking of the cost.

Sometimes people who care for sick or handicapped relatives, or people who go on missions in the worst of conditions, or even people who turn the other cheek to the everyday abuse from the people around them, amaze me in their capacity for selfless giving. But this is what we are asked to do. THIS is laying down your life for a friend.

Some of us may be called (or have the resources) to do more than others. Nobody ever said that life was fair. We cannot our help our natural abilities; we CAN help what we do with those abilities. And we have been asked here to care the most, to give the most, to be the most selfless that we possibly can. We have been called, readers, to lay down our life for our friends.

My teacher started the exam by blasting "This City was Built on Rock and Roll" from the speakers. Yes.

I got a big candle when I went shopping with my mom. The flavor is "Sandalwood Vanilla" from Slatikin and Co. (from Bath and Body Works). When I was deciding which scent to purchase, this wasn't particularly the best one. But it reminded me of something, I don't know what--the beach, maybe?--that made me so very happy. And now my room smells like happiness.

Darn you acoustic music. One of my friends posted this on facebook, and now I can't help feeling it. I love you, but goodbye. Oh life, oh life.

Clearly, our road has been long and winding
Certainly we have not reached the end,
For in this man whose kindness is blinding
I have found myself a true friend.

Wellp, I'm back in Phoenix and I have a ton of work to do and no motivation to do it. Oh home stretch, how tough you are.

Haha stupid Boston. Ssrandger vought me a rose tonight. I need to finish PEDAGOGY. pAUL is in UTAH where people don't pla on sundays...aaaaaaand I am wearing YELLOW! The HAPPIEST COLOR EEVEYRRRRR WWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I flew home from Arizona to surprise my mom for Mother's Day. It worked--boy was she surprised! Gotta love it.

I've had a great time here in the past few days. I went to the beach, saw Date Night, went shopping (SHOOOOES!!), got some great food at Mimi's, got to Stargate Friday it up with the Villains, watched Yanks vs. Boston with my dad, and tonight is still open for more shenanigans. We might go walking on the beach, and the beach at night is simply amaaaazing.

Unfortunately, cheap flights=leaving at 5:30 AM tomorrow morning. That means I have to leave the house at about 3:15 AM and get up at about 2:30 AM. Well, I guess I won't have to wake up if I don't fall asleep in the first place, which might be the best plan. It also means that I won't actually get to spend Mother's Day with my mom, but I think that's okay at this point.

One project to finish, one final on Monday, and then I'm done with my first year of grad school. You'd better believe it, fellas.

I hope all of my shoes fit into my suitcase.

I feel the love.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah.

More later. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is going to be the greatest day of my life. Just wait and see.

About a week ago one of my student's parent called and told me that the student would be stopping lessons with me. I asked, "Can I ask why?" The answer I was given was that for the student's goals in flute, the mother feels she needs "a change." The student loves me, the mother said, it was all the parents' decision to switch teachers.

I was so upset by this. I am young and inexperienced, and I am constantly worried that I am not a good teacher. And this confirmed it in my mind--I'm not giving the student what she needs, so she's switching. I cried and cried after that phone call. It was definitely a low point. I have already been disillusioned in the world of performance, and now comes the rejection in the world of teaching. Can I do ANYTHING right in my chosen field?

In reality, it's not that simple. It was probably more like the mother saw that I am still a student, and she wanted her daughter to take lessons from a professional. She doesn't know me; she doesn't see what we do in lessons. The two of them gave me a card on the last day. My student signed it,
"Thank you so much, Ashley! I've learned lots of theory and musical interpretation I would have gotten no other place. Thanks!"

I'm not a bad teacher.

A couple of days later, I got a phone call from another mother, wondering if I could give flute lessons to her 9-year-old daughter. I didn't even miss a week between the two.

Life changes, and my studio will change. I have to realize that it's not always my fault, and I have to always have faith that I will end up with three slinkies in the end. (See Sat. Sept. 17, 2005)

It's getting hot hot hot here already. Highs for the next four days are 98, 96, 96, 99. Ahwahwahwahwahwah...(yoshi noise).

Okay, mostly for the FL folks, here's what I know about my summer at this point:

I will be in AZ, continuing to teach my students until about June 25th. Hopefully I will be able to find a job or some other way to make money while I'm here, but the outlook is not good.

Starting next week, I'll be playing in two ultimate leagues (on on Wed, one on Fri) which end the last week of June. I'll also be taking two trips: one to the Grand Canyon with Paul and another friend the weekend of May 21 and the other looks like it will be to Rocky Point with a group of ulti players the weekend after that. June 22, I'm going to see the Yankees play the Arizona Diamondbacks!

So I'll be in FL from about June 24 till July 21. Hopefully I will be able to work at the Health Department during that time, and I would like to take a trip to Buffalo to see my NY brethren, but other than that I don't have any FL plans yet. So as far as I know, that time will be beach beach beach and party party party!!!

I have to be back in AZ by July 23 because Beth and co. are coming to town! She's planning to move here in Dec/Jan which will be SO EXCITING!!! Also there's a music festival I still haven't heard from in Seattle July 24-Aug. 8. The National Flute Convention (in Anaheim this year) is from Aug. 12-15, and school starts again on Aug. 19. Crazy stuff!

So there are still some question marks, but I guess for the most part I have my summer planned out. Yay!

Also, for all of the band nerds out there, it seems that in a few weeks I might actually have a Rocky Point Holiday.



(Sorry, Paul. I'm sold.)

Last day of class tomorrow--no more class 'till August. Not sure how I feel about that. I'd probably feel better if I looked into the crystal ball and saw more than just clouds, an unclear future.

No matter. God will provide. And I will trust.

My new year's resolution was to go to bed earlier so I could get up earlier. It has been going very well so far--better than I had hoped! I've been asleep between 11-12 most nights, and if that sounds late to you then don't ask when I used to go to bed!

However, the past four days or so I've been going to sleep after 1 AM. I'm falling back into my old ways, it's not good!

Last night's concert was super fun. The energetic saxophone concerto, Rachmaninoff's beautiful second piano concerto, and awesome Tchaik 5. Do programs get much better?

I think that when I objectively think about it, I actually like playing orchestral second flute more than first flute (as long as I have a good partner to work with). It's a heckofa lot less stress, and it's fun to try to match and complement ideas and pitch. And you hear more of the harmonies, which makes the music more interesting.

I wouldn't mind being an orchestral second flute player as a career.

I need to practice more.

Oh and also, I have a lot of things to be excited about!

Also...AZ fail. I'm not a resident, I had nothing to do with it.

People that build their houses inland,
People that should buy a plot of ground
Shaped like a house, and build a house there,
Far from the sea-board, far from the sound

Of water sucking the hollow ledges,
Tons of water striking the shore,--
What do they long for, as I long for
One salt smell of the sea once more?

People the waves have not awakened,
Spanking the boats at the harbour's head,
What do they long for, as I long for,--
Starting up in my inland bed,

Beating the narrow walls, and finding
Neither a window nor a door,
Screaming to God for death by drowning,--
One salt taste of the sea once more?

--Edna St. Vincent Millay

Oh, and in case you were wondering, 3BK made it to semifinals but got beaten by the team that took it all, I'm with Coco. The day was really fun, but it sure was a tough loss.

(Also, I made it into the photo gallery!)

Tough PHX-ation practice tonight. I keep doing stupid things, and the scrimmage was very very tiring. But these practices are like the Tchaik 4 piccolo solo. You work and you work and it's frustrating because you don't think you're getting better, but in the end you are able to do things that you couldn't do before, so something must have worked somewhere along the line.

My room is a mess, I owe a lot of people money, and I have a lot of end-of-the-year work to do, but I am sitting here with some cookies and cream ice cream and right now, life is good.

Today is VOTS finals and 3BK is going to ROCK IT! We already beat our first pool play opponent (FIGJAM) on Wed. Today to round out pool play, we take on SupercalaHuckalicious-withD-alaPoaches first, then Your Dad (gotta love ultimate team names).
If we win those games, we move to semifinals against the winner of the B Pool, who I predict will be I'm with Coco (though Gray Wolf Pack may make have a surprise win). If we beat them, we move to finals against the winner of the other semifinals game, which I'm fairly certain will be Los Tigres del Norte. If we beat them, we are 2010 Spring League CHAMPIONS! And also some very exhausted people.

But I don't want to get ahead of myself. One game at a time, we need to make it to semis first.

It's my first VOTS finals ever because I had H1N1 last season and had to MISS the only day that counts for anything (though my team made it to semis! without me).

SO EXCITING!!!

Also...KITTENS!!!!!

I was in such a good mood today. And then, once again, just like last time, a phone call from the same person ruined my day.

qiuoepruoeifvdjasngfkajkfajdkfvnjda kvahiuhfwaiufrhweiuhufiwe

first it's playing and now it's teaching. this field is so frustrating sometimes. and by sometimes, I mean nearly all the time.

The more I think about it, the more the conspiracy theory sounds WHACK! The whole thing is just ridiculous if you think about it. I don't know if pro-cholera just has better advocates, but they definitely get my vote.

(If you don't have any idea what I'm talking about, just assume I'm talking to myself. Which I am.)

UH OH! These are the times I should not write in my blog. 3BK won big tonight, the best game EVEEERRRRRRR WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

and then somet things oh I cannot type

yes I got a ride home

Our latest assignment in my history class is to investigate the controversy of Tchaikovsky's death. It has ever been a question: did he die of cholera, or did he die by suicide, taking a poison that would induce cholera-like symptoms because of a grand conspiracy involving his homosexuality?

We have been given a number of articles to read which cite the evidence for each side, and I have to say, this reading has been enlightening and VERY entertaining, especially as far as scholarly reading goes! Each article slings a little bit more mud (one of them ends with "in contrast to Brown--I have never resorted to expressions such as "disgraceful" or "poppycock," which are extremely out of place in a sober intellectual discussion." I'm just eating this stuff up.). It's a virtual marriage battle with Tchaikovsky as the child stuck in the middle.

SCHOLAR WARZZZZZZ!!!

(It is one of my gifts to find the humor in every situation, but it's not difficult to find the humor here. To have two grown men, learned scholars basically writing, "nuh UH!", "yeah HUH!" to each other is inherently comical. Enjoy.)

For a couple of minutes today, I was the coolest cat around.

While choosing an outfit this morning:
Brain: "Hmmmm...what will make me look cooler than bein' cool?"

(frozen!)

Ever heard of the laws of undulation?:

(From C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters, a series of fanciful letters from a devil to his nephew, a devil-in-training, or something like that)

MY DEAR WORMWOOD,

So you “have great hopes that the patient’s religious phase is dying away”, have you?...Has no one ever told you about the law of Undulation?

Humans are amphibians—half spirit and half animal...As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change. Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation—the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks. If you had watched your patient carefully you would have seen this undulation in every department of his life—his interest in his work, his affection for his friends, his physical appetites, all go up and down. As long as he lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon which will do us no good unless you make a good use of it.

I find that my "undulation" schedule coincides exactly with my period schedule, and that I rely on God more in the troughs. Does that happen with any other girls out there?

Today is the first day in many weeks in which I haven't been completely and utterly exhausted. Work 6 days, rest the seventh, puh...I worked 6 weeks and am SO resting on the seventh.

This is the time when it's wonderful to be in grad school, where most of your education is independent work. You decide how much you get out of it. And right now, I choose to rest instead of learn.

M: "That's a cute shirt! Where did you get it?"
A: "You gave it to me...for my birthday...three weeks ago."
M: "Oh...well that's why I think it looks cute!"

Recital happened. Wasn't what I was hoping/expecting, but let's be honest here--is it ever?

It got better as it went, as my recitals always do. I'm very nervous when I initially walk out on stage. I'm shaking--almost in a panic--through my entire first piece (usually a short piece), but it starts to die down on my second piece. I feel normal by the end of the first half, and my second half goes well. That's the formula for just about every recital I've ever given.

Unfortunately for me, the first impression is the most important. Also unfortunately for me, my first piece was memorized Zoom Tube. Yeeeeeah...

Anyway, I am happy with the way I played 2/3 of my program. Darn you, nerves!!! I can't say that there weren't any major mishaps, because there was one, but I got through it, and really it's fine. I have a chance to redeem myself anyway, I'm playing Zoom Tube at area this Wednesday.

Anyway, it's over, and now I'm on to other things. My parents were here this weekend, which was really awesome. We went hiking on South Mountain, which is swiftly becoming one of my favorite landmarks in Phoenix area because of its many possibilities for exploration. Then we hung out by the pool in the apartment, which sounds simple and boring, but it's something I've never done before here. Very relaxing, I will definitely start doing that more.

Brittney and I played volleyball with some really smart guys* at the beach volleyball court in our complex. I'm pretty terrible at volleyball. Pretty terrible. The whole time we were playing, I wanted to bust out a frisbee and start tossing around--something at which I am competent. Alas.

There are two and a half weeks of school left, then finals. I need to figure out what I am doing this summer...

This song reminds me of summer in general, but especially the summer of 2003. The freedom of having a car and a license but not a job...

*really not smart guys

Recital TODAY 5:00 PM Katzin Recital Hall in the music school at Arizona State University. In the words of me, "YAAAAAAAAAAAYY!!!!"

Please please please God, do not let me get sick now. Please.

Lots of people have been telling me lately that I look tired. It's true. I am very stressed. School duties and my recital are really taking a toll on me. While my recital is this weekend, it doesn't end there. I'll still have a paper and a final for my history class, a memory project for studio, and a flute book project for pedagogy, all due at various dates within the last three weeks of school.

As the song goes, sometimes I really do feel like I'm livin' on a prayer, just holding on for dear life and doing what I know I need to do. It's been difficult.

In other news, 3BK won our last regular season game tonight (WONDERFUL stress relief! I was singing and dancing withing minutes.). We ended the season with a 6-3 record and the third Wednesday night seed for the playoffs (a little misleading, because we BEAT the first seed. Alas.). I've loved every minute of playing with this team--it has great spirit, good coaching, and wonderful players. I've learned too, getting little tidbits of advice here and there. AND they appreciate my speed (which is pretty much all I've got going for me in terms of ultimate). Nobody gets mad at me when I do something stupid. It's nice.

I really believe we can win finals, too. One of losses came when our entire team was savage, and another came when we were missing 3 out of our 4 best players. The only game we legit lost was against Los Tigres, the no. 1 Monday seed--and even that game was close the entire time. We even took half, if I remember correctly. So watch out, VOTS--3BK is coming!!

I am so shook up right now. I almost got hit by a car turning right into a driveway I was crossing. I always check behind me before crossing streets to see if a car is coming up to turn, but this car neither slowed down nor had its turn signal on. How was I supposed to know??

I slammed on my brakes, and my bike was about 6 inches away from hitting this car as it turned in front of me. Afterward I just stood there, shocked. The car stopped as the passenger told the driver that she almost just hit someone. She looked back to make sure I was okay. Luckily I was.

Vampire Weekend is in town the same day as my dress rehearsal. Derp. I feel burnt or dead.

So. The tournament. We played on the beach. It wasn't really on a real beach, it was more of a bay (standing water, not waves). But it had sand and sun and water, so it was still awesome. I started out playing very badly because it took me a while to adjust to 1) having four people on the field at a time and 2) having a much shorter field than usual. I'm not going to go into why this transition was hard for me, just suffice it to say that it took a while. I was playing much better by the end, though I hate to have to admit--we didn't win a single game!!! Ah well.

I had severe PMS the first day and got my period the second day (which was somewhat ironic, because there was this bizarre joke going around that I was pregnant. I don't know. Sometimes you don't ask.) Anyway, because of these things, I had probably a less-good time than I could have. I was in a pretty sour mood most of the time, with my teammates tossing all kinds of unsolicited "advice" my way--this became extremely irritating before long. I know they were just trying to help, but honestly...just stop it. Being on the worst team at a San Diego beach tournament is not the time.

It's unfortunate, really--most of you reading this know that I'm actually a very fun person, one of the most generally happy people of all time--but I was just not having it at this tournament. I shouldn't let mood swings conquer me like that--I am stronger than what life gives me--but in a way, there's nothing you can do about it.
Except have the odd drink. Which I did.

I was hands down the most conservative player there from the Phoenix teams--I played with my shirt inside out because I felt our team logo was too vulgar/graphic--and at times I felt kind of like a lame killjoy prude. But you know what? I have certain values and I would like to retain them, and if that means that people think I'm lame, then I'm okay with that. At some point, some of us were having a discussion and somebody said, "I think that people in general need to respect themselves more." I agree.

My favorite part of the tournament was definitely dancing at the Saturday party. I love dancing. Just moving to music. People around you moving to music. Laughing and just partying it up. Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

So all in all...there were good times, there were bad times, I played a ton of ultimate, saw some people at their craziest, learned some things I maybe didn't particularly want to learn...it was a typical tournament.

Braaaaaains!!!

Just got back from San Diego. Man, these are educational trips. Will tell later. Maybe.

San Diego, here I come!

There are just not enough hours in the day...

Last night at league my huck name was "recital 1," haha. Got the point, too. I enjoyed it.

Also, my neighbor told me that he enjoys when Brittney and I practice at home. He just sits and listens to it. Finally someone gets it!

Tomorrow I'm leaving for San Diego for the weekend. Yes, you heard right--San Diego for the weekend. Where I'll be playing an ultimate tournament on the beach. Yes, you heard me right. On the beach. In San Diego. All weekend.

If you're not jealous, there's probably something wrong with you.

Today we were took a very important test in my St. Petersburg (Russian music history) class. In the middle of the test, the fire alarm went off. It was so loud and sudden that I think we all jumped about half a foot out of our seats. We had to evacuate and stand outside for 20 minutes, and we didn't get to finish our tests. Now we have to finish them on Friday, and our teacher took our word that we won't look up the answers in the meantime.

It's a moral dilemma now. Sigh. I'm not a dishonest person, but it's so tempting to just look...

And my poor teacher! He's one of my favorite college teachers, so kind, and he looked so distraught when the alarm went off. I mean, if this creates a bad situation for the students, it creates a much worse situation for the teacher. Gotta love the guy.

I'm tired and I need a break.

/WHINE

Also, while driving home, I planned to eat a banana as a bedtime snack when I arrived. What I actually ended up eating when I got home was a Reese's bunny and a Cadbury egg. Why, life, why?

My life is really busy right now. But that's when I'm the most productive! (It's the gas law.)

Talked with Beth today. God bless that girl, she is truly a wonderful human being. So authentic, so joyful--a beacon of shining light bearing down upon the darkness of the world.

For Easter, I went with my roommate to her uncle's place in Goodyear, about 30 miles west of Phoenix (I figured if I can't be with my family, might as well be with somebody else's family, right?). Anyway, right when we had about finished eating, we were all sitting at the table, and I suddenly have what I at first think is a bout of vertigo. It didn't make sense, because I was sitting down. The feeling gets stronger. I look around at everybody there and we all have confused looks on our faces. The hanging lights start swaying back and forth. What's going on?

Finally somebody asks, "do you feel that?" Yup, we all feel it. "Are we in an earthquake right now??"

Yes, we were in an earthquake. A 7.2 magnitude earthquake hit the Baja California, Mexico, and we in AZ felt either the initial quake or one of the aftershocks.

It probably lasted no longer than 15 seconds, but we definitely all felt it. We all rushed outside to see if anything looked different. Nothing. No damage. We start calling our friends and relatives to brag that we just experienced an earthquake and to find out what exactly just happened. CNN started covering the story a couple minutes after we tuned in.

Crazy stuff. You never know what life is going to bring. I sure won't forget this Easter Sunday.

HAPPY EASTER! Remember--we CELEBRATE, for Jesus has risen!

Have fun, explode your peeps, but don't forget what it's all for! :)

(I look out the window and the palm trees are blowing in the breeze):

Brain: It looks balmy out there today!
Me: Are you just saying that because "balm" rhymes with "palm?"
Brain: Probably...
Me: Do you even know what "balmy" means?
Brain: Not really...

[Balmy:
1. Having the qualities of a balm: soothing, mild
2. Crazy, foolish]

I was with a group of peers tonight, and at one point I said "QQ." They all just looked at me with blank stares. Apparently Steven's language is not standard in Arizona.