Monday, October 28, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
Sometimes I ponder the trajectory of the life of my co-workers, who all grew up here in Arizona, or the lives of my friends in Florida who have never left home, and I am sad and jealous. Because I miss my family and I miss home. I miss the summer of 2008, when I belonged, when I really knew what friendship was. I was truly happy then, young and free with all the time in the world. I knew I was happy, I thanked God every single night for my blessings, and I knew I should cherish that time, because even then I perceived that someday, sooner or later, I would leave.
Things change. If I didn't leave, others would. Life is a revolving door of people and only the truly special maintain their high status.
I wonder... do people think about the trajectory of my life? What do they see? Well... I suppose they see that I have settled into a quiet, contented life with a man who gives me all the love in the world. With time and resources to indulge in piano, frisbee, cats, trips, and yes... the occasional trip back home. A life that many, many people strive for, but never achieve. Are people jealous of what my life has become? Perhaps. And that, I suppose, is also a reason to count my blessings.
Things change. If I didn't leave, others would. Life is a revolving door of people and only the truly special maintain their high status.
I wonder... do people think about the trajectory of my life? What do they see? Well... I suppose they see that I have settled into a quiet, contented life with a man who gives me all the love in the world. With time and resources to indulge in piano, frisbee, cats, trips, and yes... the occasional trip back home. A life that many, many people strive for, but never achieve. Are people jealous of what my life has become? Perhaps. And that, I suppose, is also a reason to count my blessings.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
I have been saving up for many months and finally reached my goal to purchase a grand spankin' new digital piano! It's a Yamaha Arius YDP-181. It came in today and I love it! I'm starting lessons in two weeks and I couldn't be more excited. I've always wanted to learn piano. I took class piano and a year of secondary lessons at FSU, but when I started at ASU they didn't let me take secondary lessons (instead they were going to make me take class piano again. How rude!). So I wasn't able to keep up with it.
I work at a store where I can get basically any music I want for an extremely discounted price. I see tons of piano music all day and it kills me that I can't play it! I may not have the skill yet, but at least I have the instrument!
Here's to a new, fun interest. Piano!
I work at a store where I can get basically any music I want for an extremely discounted price. I see tons of piano music all day and it kills me that I can't play it! I may not have the skill yet, but at least I have the instrument!
Here's to a new, fun interest. Piano!
Sunday, June 09, 2013
There are now two mixed ultimate teams in Phoenix. One of them is the one I just tried out for, and the one I played for last year: Del Sol. The other is a newly formed team, who has at the core a group of friends who want to play together (and don't want to play with Del Sol). This team is called Rubix. It's an exclusive team which does not hold open tryouts, but instead asks individuals to play with them, individuals that they think are good players and fun people. Paul and I were not invited on this team at all, presumably because we
aren't hard enough partiers and because we already have a pretty strong
loyalty to Del Sol (and maybe because of one or both of our personalities. Who knows.).
I have a lot of things to say about this team, but I am only going to say a few of them. There's no question that an open tryout will create a better team--you are drawing players from a bigger pool, and you will very likely see players there that you have never met before. The talent level amongst the whole valley is inevitably higher than the talent level amongst your friends. I may be surprised, but I think I have a pretty good idea on which team is going to score more points this season.
It is their intentional choice to not have open tryouts, and I think they know already that it is going to hurt them when it comes to winning games. Different teams have different goals, and I respect the choice to prioritize social goals before competitive goals.
However, an possibly unintentional consequence of having such an exclusive team is alienation. This team is made up of a tight-knit group of friends, the "cool kids," if you will. But the team makeup has not alienated me, or Paul, or any of the others that they aren't interested in--they have alienated themselves. They formed this team not because they wanted to play with each other, but because they DIDN'T want to play with certain people on Del Sol.
Many of the players on Rubix used to be my friends. Not good friends, but people we'd go to the occasional hockey game with, or hang out with at a girl's night. But now that they have their exclusive club team, I find myself not wanting to invite them places--not because I dislike them, but because they have made it very clear that I am not a cool kid and I don't belong. Paul and I are going to Disneyland for July 4th, and we would like to invite another couple to go with us. A year ago, we would have invited many of the couples involved in Rubix. But now? It just doesn't feel right; we're not part of the group.
It makes me sad that this team has lost me friends. I genuinely enjoy the company of almost all of these people, and it's unfortunate that the exclusiveness of the team has alienated the players. I wonder if they envisioned this happening. It's possible they they even wanted this to happen. I don't know, but in any case it makes me sad.
I have a lot of things to say about this team, but I am only going to say a few of them. There's no question that an open tryout will create a better team--you are drawing players from a bigger pool, and you will very likely see players there that you have never met before. The talent level amongst the whole valley is inevitably higher than the talent level amongst your friends. I may be surprised, but I think I have a pretty good idea on which team is going to score more points this season.
It is their intentional choice to not have open tryouts, and I think they know already that it is going to hurt them when it comes to winning games. Different teams have different goals, and I respect the choice to prioritize social goals before competitive goals.
However, an possibly unintentional consequence of having such an exclusive team is alienation. This team is made up of a tight-knit group of friends, the "cool kids," if you will. But the team makeup has not alienated me, or Paul, or any of the others that they aren't interested in--they have alienated themselves. They formed this team not because they wanted to play with each other, but because they DIDN'T want to play with certain people on Del Sol.
Many of the players on Rubix used to be my friends. Not good friends, but people we'd go to the occasional hockey game with, or hang out with at a girl's night. But now that they have their exclusive club team, I find myself not wanting to invite them places--not because I dislike them, but because they have made it very clear that I am not a cool kid and I don't belong. Paul and I are going to Disneyland for July 4th, and we would like to invite another couple to go with us. A year ago, we would have invited many of the couples involved in Rubix. But now? It just doesn't feel right; we're not part of the group.
It makes me sad that this team has lost me friends. I genuinely enjoy the company of almost all of these people, and it's unfortunate that the exclusiveness of the team has alienated the players. I wonder if they envisioned this happening. It's possible they they even wanted this to happen. I don't know, but in any case it makes me sad.
Friday, June 07, 2013
Back update:
After resting for 4 weeks, I participated in all three Del Sol tryouts, taking it easy on the middle one. My back hurt a little after the third one, but no intense pain as before. So, good news! I don't have to give up frisbee, and it's looking like I will be able to play on my team this year. YAY!!!!!! I was so overjoyed when I woke up the day after the first practice and my back didn't hurt. It's simply wonderful.
It's still probably true that I am not going to be able to just haphazardly play as much as I want. I'm going to have to watch how much stress I am putting on my back. My days of side leagues are over, my days of pickup are over, and I wouldn't doubt it if I said that my days of spring and fall league are over as well. It's sad, but I'd rather take it easy and be able to play for years to come than to continue the path I was on and have this be my last year.
(My kitty just decided to sit on my shoulder like a parrot. He's 16 pounds of love.)
So! Crisis averted. For now.
After resting for 4 weeks, I participated in all three Del Sol tryouts, taking it easy on the middle one. My back hurt a little after the third one, but no intense pain as before. So, good news! I don't have to give up frisbee, and it's looking like I will be able to play on my team this year. YAY!!!!!! I was so overjoyed when I woke up the day after the first practice and my back didn't hurt. It's simply wonderful.
It's still probably true that I am not going to be able to just haphazardly play as much as I want. I'm going to have to watch how much stress I am putting on my back. My days of side leagues are over, my days of pickup are over, and I wouldn't doubt it if I said that my days of spring and fall league are over as well. It's sad, but I'd rather take it easy and be able to play for years to come than to continue the path I was on and have this be my last year.
(My kitty just decided to sit on my shoulder like a parrot. He's 16 pounds of love.)
So! Crisis averted. For now.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
It is as I thought. The incomplete spinal fusion is what is casing the pain. There is still material (?) between the two vertebrae that are supposed to be fused, and it is deteriorating, causing the two to hit each other and create lower back pain.
But how to proceed from here? That is not as simple as I thought. Last night I was thinking that I would have to have surgery. Not so. I COULD choose to have surgery, but there are complications. This doc is against the laporoscopic method, so I'd have hardware in my back. Screws that can pinch nerves. There will also be more strain on the adjoining vertebrae L4-L5, so problems could develop there. He did not recommend surgery, at least not now. I have felt absolutely normal the past two weeks, so if I can live like this, why have surgery?
I've lived with this incomplete fusion for 13 years. How long can I remain in this state? Well... forever, the doc says. If I just stop running. "Running on a hard surface is the worst thing you can do," a direct quote from him. Well that's not good news. Also being pregnant will be really really painful because all that extra weight will be resting directly on my lower back. Cool.
There is good news: I'm not going to make the problem much worse no matter what I do. I'm not at risk for anything catostrophic, not within the year (which is when I'm expected back). I'm not going to be paralyzed or anything extreme like that, no matter if I run around the world or not.
To simplify the results of the appointment, I have three options: 1) Keep doing what I'm doing. Let the pain be my guide to determine how much I can handle. 2) Have surgery. This was not recommended by my doctor (at least not yet). 3) Quit ultimate.
I've taken the last 3 weeks off from all type of exercise. And my back feels normal. Who knows? Maybe I will come back and the pain will magically be gone (cough).
I am going to go with option number 1 now. I know that I will never be able to play as much as I used to. My days of playing ultimate 3-4 times a week are gone. But maybe if I cut back to every once in a while, I will be able to handle it. I just don't know right now.
But how to proceed from here? That is not as simple as I thought. Last night I was thinking that I would have to have surgery. Not so. I COULD choose to have surgery, but there are complications. This doc is against the laporoscopic method, so I'd have hardware in my back. Screws that can pinch nerves. There will also be more strain on the adjoining vertebrae L4-L5, so problems could develop there. He did not recommend surgery, at least not now. I have felt absolutely normal the past two weeks, so if I can live like this, why have surgery?
I've lived with this incomplete fusion for 13 years. How long can I remain in this state? Well... forever, the doc says. If I just stop running. "Running on a hard surface is the worst thing you can do," a direct quote from him. Well that's not good news. Also being pregnant will be really really painful because all that extra weight will be resting directly on my lower back. Cool.
There is good news: I'm not going to make the problem much worse no matter what I do. I'm not at risk for anything catostrophic, not within the year (which is when I'm expected back). I'm not going to be paralyzed or anything extreme like that, no matter if I run around the world or not.
To simplify the results of the appointment, I have three options: 1) Keep doing what I'm doing. Let the pain be my guide to determine how much I can handle. 2) Have surgery. This was not recommended by my doctor (at least not yet). 3) Quit ultimate.
I've taken the last 3 weeks off from all type of exercise. And my back feels normal. Who knows? Maybe I will come back and the pain will magically be gone (cough).
I am going to go with option number 1 now. I know that I will never be able to play as much as I used to. My days of playing ultimate 3-4 times a week are gone. But maybe if I cut back to every once in a while, I will be able to handle it. I just don't know right now.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Wellp, tomorrow is the day. I go to the doctor and find out what is wrong with my back.
I have a pretty good idea of what is very plausibly causing my back pain. My former back surgeon was nice enough to email over my old medical records. I've been reading through them and getting more and more depressed the more I read. Here are some excerpts from my last appointment two years ago:
"There is evidence of nitrogen gas deterioration of the disc space."
"There is incomplete fusion of the L5-S1 vertebral bodies."
"There is grade 1 spondylolisthesis of L5 on S1."
"If things worsen over time, certainly she is a candidate for revision laparoscopic surgery or posterior instrumentation."
After reading these and other things, it's become pretty obvious what is wrong. My spinal fusion in 2000 did not heal correctly, and it did not fix the spondylolisthesis of my teenage years. I will very likely need to have surgery again. I feel like I am not being pessimistic in saying these things; I am being realistic. After all, these are actual quotes from my last back appointment two years ago.
I suppose it's possible that this could be some other, less bad problem. But I seriously doubt it.
I'm bracing myself for the worst, steeling my nerves for the news that I can't play frisbee for a year, that I will have to prepare for surgery, and that I'll be the coolest kid in school once again, sporting the back brace for one more year.
It's wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I'm not dying, I'm not losing a loved one, I'm not going to lose any limbs (I hope), and beyond a few weeks afterwards, the surgery will largely not affect my ability to do my job or everyday life. But man, would I miss my frisbee...
Pray if you are the type. I need it.
I have a pretty good idea of what is very plausibly causing my back pain. My former back surgeon was nice enough to email over my old medical records. I've been reading through them and getting more and more depressed the more I read. Here are some excerpts from my last appointment two years ago:
"There is evidence of nitrogen gas deterioration of the disc space."
"There is incomplete fusion of the L5-S1 vertebral bodies."
"There is grade 1 spondylolisthesis of L5 on S1."
"If things worsen over time, certainly she is a candidate for revision laparoscopic surgery or posterior instrumentation."
After reading these and other things, it's become pretty obvious what is wrong. My spinal fusion in 2000 did not heal correctly, and it did not fix the spondylolisthesis of my teenage years. I will very likely need to have surgery again. I feel like I am not being pessimistic in saying these things; I am being realistic. After all, these are actual quotes from my last back appointment two years ago.
I suppose it's possible that this could be some other, less bad problem. But I seriously doubt it.
I'm bracing myself for the worst, steeling my nerves for the news that I can't play frisbee for a year, that I will have to prepare for surgery, and that I'll be the coolest kid in school once again, sporting the back brace for one more year.
It's wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I'm not dying, I'm not losing a loved one, I'm not going to lose any limbs (I hope), and beyond a few weeks afterwards, the surgery will largely not affect my ability to do my job or everyday life. But man, would I miss my frisbee...
Pray if you are the type. I need it.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
My back has been hurting again. I made an appointment with a spinal surgeon because I don't want to mess around with doctors who won't know what's wrong. My doctor will know.
Pray for me that it isn't something serious, something that requires surgery. Going through all of that again, being in a brace for a year... it would be so much worse as an adult. I thrive on sprinting and playing and climbing, biking and swimming, jumping and falling. I like to move, and it would be terrible, just terrible if I lost my mobility. It's not that I haven't been thankful for what I have...
Feeling very thankful for my health tonight. Allows me to lead an active life that is never held back by bodily weakness."
My appointment is tomorrow. I am metaphorically holding my breath. I hope he tells me that I am wasting my time, that I've pulled a muscle and it is basically healed already, that it will all be okay. It's possible.
Pray for me that it isn't something serious, something that requires surgery. Going through all of that again, being in a brace for a year... it would be so much worse as an adult. I thrive on sprinting and playing and climbing, biking and swimming, jumping and falling. I like to move, and it would be terrible, just terrible if I lost my mobility. It's not that I haven't been thankful for what I have...
"Tuesday, February 19, 2013
My appointment is tomorrow. I am metaphorically holding my breath. I hope he tells me that I am wasting my time, that I've pulled a muscle and it is basically healed already, that it will all be okay. It's possible.
