I'm going to Hawaii again. In one day.
I don't know if I've ever been so excited for a trip in my life!
Monday, March 24, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
I am tired. I need a weekend to just rest.
We live such fast lives. Full of STUFF. I desire time to slow it down. Like in middle school, when I would sit around for hours and read books. High school, when I would walk around parks with friends and just do nothing. College summers, when I would go to the beach every weekend, lay on a blanket, and simply enjoy the sun and the surf. Some may say these things are a waste of time. I disagree. We all need time to sit and REST.
We live such fast lives. Full of STUFF. I desire time to slow it down. Like in middle school, when I would sit around for hours and read books. High school, when I would walk around parks with friends and just do nothing. College summers, when I would go to the beach every weekend, lay on a blanket, and simply enjoy the sun and the surf. Some may say these things are a waste of time. I disagree. We all need time to sit and REST.
Monday, February 17, 2014
It was going to be perfect. It was going to be beautiful, something we could share with all of our friends to bring even more joy to the already joyous and victorious weekend. It was something we have both been eagerly awaiting for months now. We fought for it - I was willing to put my body on the line for it. We were too excited, too ready.
We lost it.
He cried in pain and my heart broke.
The memory of friendship and laughter was not enough to raise my spirits today. I felt sullen, listless. Exhausted in body and spirit and in need of healing.
Rainbows are beautiful. So many colors radiant in the gloomy gray mass of sky.
The joint loss of something so precious has driven us to each other. Leaning on each other in such a time has amplified our love to glorious volumes. Since childhood, I have never depended emotionally on someone quite so deeply. It's ironic, really, that loss has created in us an unmistakable bond that only we understand. It was a moment that only we share and that we'll never forget.
Do I regret it, not trusting myself? Yes I do.
Is it for the best? Yes it is.
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be.
We lost it.
He cried in pain and my heart broke.
The memory of friendship and laughter was not enough to raise my spirits today. I felt sullen, listless. Exhausted in body and spirit and in need of healing.
Rainbows are beautiful. So many colors radiant in the gloomy gray mass of sky.
The joint loss of something so precious has driven us to each other. Leaning on each other in such a time has amplified our love to glorious volumes. Since childhood, I have never depended emotionally on someone quite so deeply. It's ironic, really, that loss has created in us an unmistakable bond that only we understand. It was a moment that only we share and that we'll never forget.
Do I regret it, not trusting myself? Yes I do.
Is it for the best? Yes it is.
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be.
Friday, February 07, 2014
So I was convinced by my co-worker and mother to start watching The Bachelor again this season. So I am. Get over it.
There is a girl on the show who is an opera singer. She has been working in Germany, because that is where she won a job. The way she talks, how she has been so career-focused in the past and has put everything, including relationships as second priority, both saddens me and sounds all too familiar. I can definitely relate to this girl. I doubt that any of the other girls, or the bachelor, or anybody who hasn't been in professional classical music themselves, really knows what this girl has been through. Hours of practice a day. Endless research on the pieces you play. Scheduling nightmares. Lessons, gigs, concerts, recitals, trying to make ends meet with your voice alone. REJECTIONS and very harsh CRITICISMS. Having to give up time with friends and family. Not being there for holidays because that's when you can find jobs. And singers have their own set of problems. Taking care of the body becomes a pretty high priority, because when you're sick, you can't work.
Yes, you have to make everything second priority to really, truly make it.
My take on this: now don't get me wrong... music is awesome, and I still love it and I don't regret that I went into the field. But from my perspective, sacrificing so much is just NOT WORTH IT. I escaped the endless cycle of auditions, rejections, and performances, but I still managed to find work in the field. And my life is so much better for it.
Some musicians, especially those starry-eyed ones still in college, absolutely do not know what life is outside of music. I was like that too. To me fun, used to be playing duets with other flute players... going to concerts... hanging out with other musicians and talking about our friends (who were also musicians). Music, music, music.
If you are one of these people, know that there is a whole big world out there with LOTS of things to experience. Don't let your whole being be wrapped up in one tiny little aspect. Live life!
There is a girl on the show who is an opera singer. She has been working in Germany, because that is where she won a job. The way she talks, how she has been so career-focused in the past and has put everything, including relationships as second priority, both saddens me and sounds all too familiar. I can definitely relate to this girl. I doubt that any of the other girls, or the bachelor, or anybody who hasn't been in professional classical music themselves, really knows what this girl has been through. Hours of practice a day. Endless research on the pieces you play. Scheduling nightmares. Lessons, gigs, concerts, recitals, trying to make ends meet with your voice alone. REJECTIONS and very harsh CRITICISMS. Having to give up time with friends and family. Not being there for holidays because that's when you can find jobs. And singers have their own set of problems. Taking care of the body becomes a pretty high priority, because when you're sick, you can't work.
Yes, you have to make everything second priority to really, truly make it.
My take on this: now don't get me wrong... music is awesome, and I still love it and I don't regret that I went into the field. But from my perspective, sacrificing so much is just NOT WORTH IT. I escaped the endless cycle of auditions, rejections, and performances, but I still managed to find work in the field. And my life is so much better for it.
Some musicians, especially those starry-eyed ones still in college, absolutely do not know what life is outside of music. I was like that too. To me fun, used to be playing duets with other flute players... going to concerts... hanging out with other musicians and talking about our friends (who were also musicians). Music, music, music.
If you are one of these people, know that there is a whole big world out there with LOTS of things to experience. Don't let your whole being be wrapped up in one tiny little aspect. Live life!
Wednesday, February 05, 2014
If you are ever sad and you want a pick-me-up, watch this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSpIcGSqP0A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSpIcGSqP0A
Friday, January 17, 2014
When I was 12 years old, I was the fastest kid in my class, including the boys. But that didn't stop everyone from picking me last on every team. I just didn't know how to play any sport, I wasn't aggressive, and my hand-eye coordination was terrible. Ultimate has changed my perception of sports forever. If I can do it, you can!
Thursday, January 09, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Wellp, another year is coming to a close. I think about the best times in life, and year in and year out I boil them down to one thing: people. It's the people that make life so beautiful (okay, and the cats too). So if you are reading this and you are a people, thank you.
To old friends who I message on facebook, call, or see a couple times a year: I think about you, I miss you, I am so appreciative when I get to hear from you. To new friends, in Arizona: I value all of the great times we have together and I look forward to more in 2014. To my family: you guys are the best family a girl could ask for and I couldn't be happier spending a lazy day doing anything with the Stahls, Batchos, or Filipowiczs. To coworkers: thank you for all of the laughter, and for making work a pleasant place to be.
In the year 2013, I really have become more of the person I am going to be. It's the first year I really feel truly like an adult. Most of being an adult is cool. You can eat cheese for dinner, if you really want to. You can buy toys without having to worry about asking permission. You can do what you want in your free time, and you don't have to do the dishes if you really don't want to. The drawbacks: cheese for dinner every night will make a very large you, toys all the time will lose the roof over your head. A body needs rest, and, unless you want to spend a fortune on disposable dishes, the dishes will have to be done eventually.
I just lost my train of thought.
Happy New Year to all! Party well, drive safe, and dance like nobody is watching!
To old friends who I message on facebook, call, or see a couple times a year: I think about you, I miss you, I am so appreciative when I get to hear from you. To new friends, in Arizona: I value all of the great times we have together and I look forward to more in 2014. To my family: you guys are the best family a girl could ask for and I couldn't be happier spending a lazy day doing anything with the Stahls, Batchos, or Filipowiczs. To coworkers: thank you for all of the laughter, and for making work a pleasant place to be.
In the year 2013, I really have become more of the person I am going to be. It's the first year I really feel truly like an adult. Most of being an adult is cool. You can eat cheese for dinner, if you really want to. You can buy toys without having to worry about asking permission. You can do what you want in your free time, and you don't have to do the dishes if you really don't want to. The drawbacks: cheese for dinner every night will make a very large you, toys all the time will lose the roof over your head. A body needs rest, and, unless you want to spend a fortune on disposable dishes, the dishes will have to be done eventually.
I just lost my train of thought.
Happy New Year to all! Party well, drive safe, and dance like nobody is watching!
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
Sometimes I ponder the trajectory of the life of my co-workers, who all grew up here in Arizona, or the lives of my friends in Florida who have never left home, and I am sad and jealous. Because I miss my family and I miss home. I miss the summer of 2008, when I belonged, when I really knew what friendship was. I was truly happy then, young and free with all the time in the world. I knew I was happy, I thanked God every single night for my blessings, and I knew I should cherish that time, because even then I perceived that someday, sooner or later, I would leave.
Things change. If I didn't leave, others would. Life is a revolving door of people and only the truly special maintain their high status.
I wonder... do people think about the trajectory of my life? What do they see? Well... I suppose they see that I have settled into a quiet, contented life with a man who gives me all the love in the world. With time and resources to indulge in piano, frisbee, cats, trips, and yes... the occasional trip back home. A life that many, many people strive for, but never achieve. Are people jealous of what my life has become? Perhaps. And that, I suppose, is also a reason to count my blessings.
Things change. If I didn't leave, others would. Life is a revolving door of people and only the truly special maintain their high status.
I wonder... do people think about the trajectory of my life? What do they see? Well... I suppose they see that I have settled into a quiet, contented life with a man who gives me all the love in the world. With time and resources to indulge in piano, frisbee, cats, trips, and yes... the occasional trip back home. A life that many, many people strive for, but never achieve. Are people jealous of what my life has become? Perhaps. And that, I suppose, is also a reason to count my blessings.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
I have been saving up for many months and finally reached my goal to purchase a grand spankin' new digital piano! It's a Yamaha Arius YDP-181. It came in today and I love it! I'm starting lessons in two weeks and I couldn't be more excited. I've always wanted to learn piano. I took class piano and a year of secondary lessons at FSU, but when I started at ASU they didn't let me take secondary lessons (instead they were going to make me take class piano again. How rude!). So I wasn't able to keep up with it.
I work at a store where I can get basically any music I want for an extremely discounted price. I see tons of piano music all day and it kills me that I can't play it! I may not have the skill yet, but at least I have the instrument!
Here's to a new, fun interest. Piano!
I work at a store where I can get basically any music I want for an extremely discounted price. I see tons of piano music all day and it kills me that I can't play it! I may not have the skill yet, but at least I have the instrument!
Here's to a new, fun interest. Piano!
Sunday, June 09, 2013
There are now two mixed ultimate teams in Phoenix. One of them is the one I just tried out for, and the one I played for last year: Del Sol. The other is a newly formed team, who has at the core a group of friends who want to play together (and don't want to play with Del Sol). This team is called Rubix. It's an exclusive team which does not hold open tryouts, but instead asks individuals to play with them, individuals that they think are good players and fun people. Paul and I were not invited on this team at all, presumably because we
aren't hard enough partiers and because we already have a pretty strong
loyalty to Del Sol (and maybe because of one or both of our personalities. Who knows.).
I have a lot of things to say about this team, but I am only going to say a few of them. There's no question that an open tryout will create a better team--you are drawing players from a bigger pool, and you will very likely see players there that you have never met before. The talent level amongst the whole valley is inevitably higher than the talent level amongst your friends. I may be surprised, but I think I have a pretty good idea on which team is going to score more points this season.
It is their intentional choice to not have open tryouts, and I think they know already that it is going to hurt them when it comes to winning games. Different teams have different goals, and I respect the choice to prioritize social goals before competitive goals.
However, an possibly unintentional consequence of having such an exclusive team is alienation. This team is made up of a tight-knit group of friends, the "cool kids," if you will. But the team makeup has not alienated me, or Paul, or any of the others that they aren't interested in--they have alienated themselves. They formed this team not because they wanted to play with each other, but because they DIDN'T want to play with certain people on Del Sol.
Many of the players on Rubix used to be my friends. Not good friends, but people we'd go to the occasional hockey game with, or hang out with at a girl's night. But now that they have their exclusive club team, I find myself not wanting to invite them places--not because I dislike them, but because they have made it very clear that I am not a cool kid and I don't belong. Paul and I are going to Disneyland for July 4th, and we would like to invite another couple to go with us. A year ago, we would have invited many of the couples involved in Rubix. But now? It just doesn't feel right; we're not part of the group.
It makes me sad that this team has lost me friends. I genuinely enjoy the company of almost all of these people, and it's unfortunate that the exclusiveness of the team has alienated the players. I wonder if they envisioned this happening. It's possible they they even wanted this to happen. I don't know, but in any case it makes me sad.
I have a lot of things to say about this team, but I am only going to say a few of them. There's no question that an open tryout will create a better team--you are drawing players from a bigger pool, and you will very likely see players there that you have never met before. The talent level amongst the whole valley is inevitably higher than the talent level amongst your friends. I may be surprised, but I think I have a pretty good idea on which team is going to score more points this season.
It is their intentional choice to not have open tryouts, and I think they know already that it is going to hurt them when it comes to winning games. Different teams have different goals, and I respect the choice to prioritize social goals before competitive goals.
However, an possibly unintentional consequence of having such an exclusive team is alienation. This team is made up of a tight-knit group of friends, the "cool kids," if you will. But the team makeup has not alienated me, or Paul, or any of the others that they aren't interested in--they have alienated themselves. They formed this team not because they wanted to play with each other, but because they DIDN'T want to play with certain people on Del Sol.
Many of the players on Rubix used to be my friends. Not good friends, but people we'd go to the occasional hockey game with, or hang out with at a girl's night. But now that they have their exclusive club team, I find myself not wanting to invite them places--not because I dislike them, but because they have made it very clear that I am not a cool kid and I don't belong. Paul and I are going to Disneyland for July 4th, and we would like to invite another couple to go with us. A year ago, we would have invited many of the couples involved in Rubix. But now? It just doesn't feel right; we're not part of the group.
It makes me sad that this team has lost me friends. I genuinely enjoy the company of almost all of these people, and it's unfortunate that the exclusiveness of the team has alienated the players. I wonder if they envisioned this happening. It's possible they they even wanted this to happen. I don't know, but in any case it makes me sad.
Friday, June 07, 2013
Back update:
After resting for 4 weeks, I participated in all three Del Sol tryouts, taking it easy on the middle one. My back hurt a little after the third one, but no intense pain as before. So, good news! I don't have to give up frisbee, and it's looking like I will be able to play on my team this year. YAY!!!!!! I was so overjoyed when I woke up the day after the first practice and my back didn't hurt. It's simply wonderful.
It's still probably true that I am not going to be able to just haphazardly play as much as I want. I'm going to have to watch how much stress I am putting on my back. My days of side leagues are over, my days of pickup are over, and I wouldn't doubt it if I said that my days of spring and fall league are over as well. It's sad, but I'd rather take it easy and be able to play for years to come than to continue the path I was on and have this be my last year.
(My kitty just decided to sit on my shoulder like a parrot. He's 16 pounds of love.)
So! Crisis averted. For now.
After resting for 4 weeks, I participated in all three Del Sol tryouts, taking it easy on the middle one. My back hurt a little after the third one, but no intense pain as before. So, good news! I don't have to give up frisbee, and it's looking like I will be able to play on my team this year. YAY!!!!!! I was so overjoyed when I woke up the day after the first practice and my back didn't hurt. It's simply wonderful.
It's still probably true that I am not going to be able to just haphazardly play as much as I want. I'm going to have to watch how much stress I am putting on my back. My days of side leagues are over, my days of pickup are over, and I wouldn't doubt it if I said that my days of spring and fall league are over as well. It's sad, but I'd rather take it easy and be able to play for years to come than to continue the path I was on and have this be my last year.
(My kitty just decided to sit on my shoulder like a parrot. He's 16 pounds of love.)
So! Crisis averted. For now.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
It is as I thought. The incomplete spinal fusion is what is casing the pain. There is still material (?) between the two vertebrae that are supposed to be fused, and it is deteriorating, causing the two to hit each other and create lower back pain.
But how to proceed from here? That is not as simple as I thought. Last night I was thinking that I would have to have surgery. Not so. I COULD choose to have surgery, but there are complications. This doc is against the laporoscopic method, so I'd have hardware in my back. Screws that can pinch nerves. There will also be more strain on the adjoining vertebrae L4-L5, so problems could develop there. He did not recommend surgery, at least not now. I have felt absolutely normal the past two weeks, so if I can live like this, why have surgery?
I've lived with this incomplete fusion for 13 years. How long can I remain in this state? Well... forever, the doc says. If I just stop running. "Running on a hard surface is the worst thing you can do," a direct quote from him. Well that's not good news. Also being pregnant will be really really painful because all that extra weight will be resting directly on my lower back. Cool.
There is good news: I'm not going to make the problem much worse no matter what I do. I'm not at risk for anything catostrophic, not within the year (which is when I'm expected back). I'm not going to be paralyzed or anything extreme like that, no matter if I run around the world or not.
To simplify the results of the appointment, I have three options: 1) Keep doing what I'm doing. Let the pain be my guide to determine how much I can handle. 2) Have surgery. This was not recommended by my doctor (at least not yet). 3) Quit ultimate.
I've taken the last 3 weeks off from all type of exercise. And my back feels normal. Who knows? Maybe I will come back and the pain will magically be gone (cough).
I am going to go with option number 1 now. I know that I will never be able to play as much as I used to. My days of playing ultimate 3-4 times a week are gone. But maybe if I cut back to every once in a while, I will be able to handle it. I just don't know right now.
But how to proceed from here? That is not as simple as I thought. Last night I was thinking that I would have to have surgery. Not so. I COULD choose to have surgery, but there are complications. This doc is against the laporoscopic method, so I'd have hardware in my back. Screws that can pinch nerves. There will also be more strain on the adjoining vertebrae L4-L5, so problems could develop there. He did not recommend surgery, at least not now. I have felt absolutely normal the past two weeks, so if I can live like this, why have surgery?
I've lived with this incomplete fusion for 13 years. How long can I remain in this state? Well... forever, the doc says. If I just stop running. "Running on a hard surface is the worst thing you can do," a direct quote from him. Well that's not good news. Also being pregnant will be really really painful because all that extra weight will be resting directly on my lower back. Cool.
There is good news: I'm not going to make the problem much worse no matter what I do. I'm not at risk for anything catostrophic, not within the year (which is when I'm expected back). I'm not going to be paralyzed or anything extreme like that, no matter if I run around the world or not.
To simplify the results of the appointment, I have three options: 1) Keep doing what I'm doing. Let the pain be my guide to determine how much I can handle. 2) Have surgery. This was not recommended by my doctor (at least not yet). 3) Quit ultimate.
I've taken the last 3 weeks off from all type of exercise. And my back feels normal. Who knows? Maybe I will come back and the pain will magically be gone (cough).
I am going to go with option number 1 now. I know that I will never be able to play as much as I used to. My days of playing ultimate 3-4 times a week are gone. But maybe if I cut back to every once in a while, I will be able to handle it. I just don't know right now.
