It's tough when you have so much to do, and yet...all you want to do is sleep and rest. Because you are sick, and the sick ought to have the right to rest. But really they don't, not in this world.

Pressing the shift key 5 times activates stickykeys. I just discovered that 5 second ago.

Me: Be merciful, essay makeup!
Essay makeup: NO

Also, I think I am slowly working my way out of pretty much everyone's life. I realized today that I don't have any friends that I see anymore who I would be willing to tell things to. Not just talk to, but TALK to. If you know what I mean.
It's a COLD CRUEL WORLD out there.

ANYWAY
You're my cup of coffee.
I mean tea.

I haven't disowned blogger, I've just been busy.
And sick.

I just read something that probably would've made me really sad if it wasn't midnight and I've had no sleep over the past few days. Now it's just like "...so?"

I HAVE LINDA MARK'S PHONE NUMBER.
Yesterday was one of the best days ever. I felt like I won the young artist competition again.
I love flute conventions. They are like family reunions for flute players.

The adventures of Dr. Greenwood conversation:

Greenwood walks by me and looks at the music on my stand
Greenwood: Those are some pretty high notes
Me: Yup
Greenwood: Do you guys know the fingerings to those?
Me: .....yes
Greenwood: That's good....because I don't.

After the concert
Greenwood: I thought you were twelve years old.
Me: ...no...I'm seventeen
Greenwood: I bet you get that a lot, huh?
Me: No, actually I don't.

----------------------
Dr. Marosi: That was just very good!

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Man everyone is changing. I'm the only one who has stayed the same."?
And then you realized that of course you are changing too, or have changed, you just can't tell a difference because it's you!

-------------------

Man, Penelope waited for ten long years for her husband to come home. Can you imagine waiting for ten years? Every day waiting, every day hopeful. Every day of those ten years that he did not return must have been agony for her. I can imagine...

And yet she waited. She knew that there was little hope. She knew that she was probably going to have to marry someone else eventually. But she still fought. She fought and never gave up hope, even when hope was nearly gone.
And what happened? Her husband came home! What great joy she must've felt when, after waiting and hoping for ten years, her waiting and hoping finally had a purpose. What a true love that woman had. Ten years of waiting, ten years of being told she was wrong, ten years of doing everything she could to keep hope alive.

Do you ever think about something and you really care about it but then later you think about it again and you ask yourself, "Why did I care so much?" because you now think that it's stupid and doesn't matter.
That happens to me a lot when I look back onto the times of PMS.

Beth: "Steve, are you hard to understand?"
Steve: "Taters"

For me, this weekend was just sort of an explosion of everything. It gave me a lot to think about, and a lot to learn, and a lot to pray for.

Have you ever felt like the whole world was against you?

1. What do you think of smarterchild? He actually shuts up when I tell him to, so he's cool in that aspect; otherwise, he's dumb
2. Do you plan to someday take over the world? If so, what is your plan for world domination? Yes, but no definite plan yet
3. What is your favorite instrument? I'd have to go with the flute
4. What are more awesome, pirates or ninjas? ninjas
5. What is the Internet site that you frequent the most often? livejournal and blogger
6. Have you ever worn an outfit of all yellow? Can't say I have
7. What do you want? An end to all football parties and a hug
8. Do you have friends? no
9. What is the best name for a solo piccolo CD? Piccolo in your ear
10. What should I do for solo and ensemble, Ibert or Muczynski? Better go with Muczynski
11. Do you like dogs? yes, if they do not bite me
12. Do you think you are more awesome than me? probably
13. If you were the inventor of one present day object, what would you have wanted to invent? The electric toothbrush
14. What is the most important thing to you? Being selfish and conceited
15. What is your favorite Lord of the Rings character? Frodo
16. Why did you leave blogger? I didn't
17. Do you like to dance? yes
18. What do you want people to do when you cry? I don't know
19. If you were to meet one person alive today, who would it be? Emmanuel Pahud if he somehow learned to speak english, otherwise, maybe the president or something. I don't know.
20. Ireland or Scotland? Ireland, DUH
21. Copeland or Grainger? Copland
22. Holst or Hindemith? Hindemith
23. Bach or Beethoven? Beethoven
24. Are you a nerd? I spose so
25. What would you do if I punched you? Laugh
26. Have you ever had a pet ladybug? yes
27. Do you like the beach? yes, it's one of my favorite places
28. What is your mission? To seek the holy grail
29. Fill in the blanks: ____ music is for ____. New age music is for weirdos
30. What is the best thing ever? Playing Beethoven with Dr. Marosi conducting
31. Where does your loyalty lie: with your friends or with your signifigant other? Haha, loyalty
32. What should the next question be? Shut up?
33. What if the sky was purple instead of blue? Then the world would blow up
34. What is that thing over there? A figment of your imagination
35. What do you think of when I say "driving range?" A certain humorous episode in "Ash's Life"
36. Who is the mole? You
37. Do you know the muffin man? I do not have that pleasure
38. How important is money to you? Well, I don't know. It buys me stuff that helps me to live, such as:
food
water
clothing
shelter
and other various good and services
39. Why is everyone so dumb? Because they don't know the secret code
40. What exactly are "cooties?" A disease that you catch from the opposite sex. It's a mysterious disease, and very harmful.
41. Who are you, really? I'm a sinner
42. You're joking, right? Yeah right!
43. What is your favorite brand of ketchup? HEINZ
44. Would you rather live in a jungle or a boat? Jungle
45. What do you think of love? Love is for the weak
46. Which is better, the eastern or western hemisphere? They're both cool
47. Chips Ahoy, Keebler, or Publix brand cookies? Keebler..elves...
48. What is your favorite way to say goodbye? wave really fast
49. Are you a jerk? I have been a jerk before, yes
50. What is your favorite word? shindig
52. What are your thoughts about the president of the U.S? I think if he wasn't the president I would think he was really dumb
53. Can you read music? yes
54. Who is your favorite author? I like to read around, so I don't think I've read more than one thing by any one author. That's probably not true, but I still can't answer this question fully.
55. What is your favorite picture of you? I call it "kid in a candy store"
56. Is there any show or movie that you would watch for 24 hours straight if given the opportunity? LOTR
57. What does everyone mean by "insanity?" Crazy
58. Which one of these cities is the best: Cincinnati, New York, Tallahassee, Rodchester, Boston? I don't know, you tell me
59. Do you know who Emmanuel Pahud is? If so, who is he? He's only the best flute player in the world, DUH
60. What is the worst thing in the world? When you know you're right and yet nobody believes you
61. If I was meeting you for the first time, what would I notice about you right at the beginning? You would notice that I am very stupid
62. Do you like Robin Williams better as an actor or comedian? Comedian
63. How many cats do you want when you get older? Cats! A lot.
64. Are you fully grown yet? Yes, I think so.
65. Who cares? The Care Bears.
66. What do you do when you want to spend time with yourself? Ride my bike
67. Who would you vote off your family island? I would have to go with uncle mark
68. If you were to live in any time period, what would it be? the good old days
69. Does it bother you that I ended on an odd number? no

Well, I did have a lot of things to say but I forgot all of them.

In the last three days, I took my flute to the repair shop three times. The first time was because I picked my flute up to practice in third block and a range of about four notes wouldn't play. So I took it in right after school to Merritt Island and Charlie made "lots of little adjustments" and it worked again and I took it home but the next day I noticed that a key was moving very slowly which shouldn't happen. So I took it to Charlie again and he took the rod out and oiled it and gave it back and I drove straight to my lesson in Melbourne and when I tried to play my flute nothing would come out at all. My teacher found the problem but didn't know how to fix it, so she told me to take it to Charlie again which I did but I missed out on my lesson and I had a lot of stress from it all. Well, all I can say is that I'm happy that all happened at the time that it did and I didn't miss out on any playing except maybe like one practice session and my lesson.

Man, I am run-on happy today.

ANYWAY
Today was cool because I played Brahms and Beethoven all day with Dr. Marosi conducting. Plus I had some really awesome chinese food for lunch and laughed a lot on the bus ride home.
Overall, it was an awesome day.

But I also heard some truly awful news today and it breaks my heart. One of the happiest, nicest people I know, one of my only friends, is having major health problems. Pray for Emily, readers.

IN OTHER NEWS
I got an audition to New England Conservatory! Thus completing the "early waiting period" of my college search, and also completing the prescreening for my circle of colleges. I am now entering the "audition" period. I have a different audition every weekend in Februrary, each in a different city up north. In case anyone actually cares, this is what it looks like:
weekend 1-Eastman in Rodchester
weekend 2-Cincinnati Conservatory in Cincinnati
weekend 3-New England Conservatory in Boston
weekend 4-Juilliard in New York

I'm sorry if I am posting way too much info about colleges and college auditions, but it excites me! I mean, who else has the chance to travel and see so many cities and meet so many people and the flute professors and see snow and be cold and have something so exciting to practice for? I am so excited the excitement is flowing from my ears. I mean, four auditions to four of the top music schools in the nation! I have something real to work for!
This practicing that I do, it's worth something. It has paid off with this opportunity, four shining opportunities to convince a couple people that I rock on flute. This is the breaking point. And I am ready.

Ya know, I know quite a few college-bound people I know have no idea what they want to do in college not even to mention in life. But for me the choice was so easy. Music seemed like the most natural thing to do...it was really the only thing to do. What else could I do?

Thanks guys for taking my cool quiz!
I think I may take it one of these days.

So yeah...be grateful for everything. When I got my wisdom teeth out, I was so jealous of those who were able to practice and play their instruments. I would talk to people and think "I hope you appreciate your ability to play your instrument right now...because I can't play mine!" And of course, they would never be more or less appreciative then they were before. Why would they be? I wished I could play my flute so badly that I had dreams about playing Mozart Concerto in G. Seriously I did.
Not everyone can play their instrument right now.

I got a letter today from a friend. This person has hit hard times with the parents and said to me "Enjoy your parents-they are much nicer than mine, I promise!"
It woke me up. Appreciate your parents, Ashley!

Okay, remember those stupid quiz things everyone does?
I'm going to make one up, so guys can do it.

Kay here it goes:

1. What do you think of smarterchild?
2. Do you plan to someday take over the world? If so, what is your plan for world domination?
3. What is your favorite instrument?
4. What are more awesome, pirates or ninjas?
5. What is the Internet site that you frequent the most often?
6. Have you ever worn an outfit of all yellow?
7. What do you want?
8. Do you have friends?
9. What is the best name for a solo piccolo CD?
10. What should I do for solo and ensemble, Ibert or Muczynski?
11. Do you like dogs?
12. Do you think you are more awesome than me?
13. If you were the inventor of one present day object, what would you have wanted to invent?
14. What is the most important thing to you?
15. What is your favorite Lord of the Rings character?
16. Why did you leave blogger?
17. Do you like to dance?
18. What do you want people to do when you cry?
19. If you were to meet one person alive today, who would it be?
20. Ireland or Scotland?
21. Copeland or Grainger?
22. Holst or Hindemith?
23. Bach or Beethoven?
24. Are you a nerd?
25. What would you do if I punched you?
26. Have you ever had a pet ladybug?
27. Do you like the beach?
28. What is your mission?
29. Fill in the blanks: ____ music is for ____.
30. What is the best thing ever?
31. Where does your loyalty lie: with your friends or with your signifigant other?
32. What should the next question be?
33. What if the sky was purple instead of blue?
34. What is that thing over there?
35. What do you think of when I say "driving range?"
36. Who is the mole?
37. Do you know the muffin man?
38. How important is money to you?
39. Why is everyone so dumb?
40. What exactly are "cooties?"
41. Who are you, really?
42. You're joking, right?
43. What is your favorite brand of ketchup?
44. Would you rather live in a jungle or a boat?
45. What do you think of love?
46. Which is better, the eastern or western hemisphere?
47. Chips Ahoy, Keebler, or Publix brand cookies?
48. What is your favorite way to say goodbye?
49. Are you a jerk?
50. What is your favorite word?
52. What are your thoughts about the president of the U.S?
53. Can you read music?
54. Who is your favorite author?
55. What is your favorite picture of you?
56. Is there any show or movie that you would watch for 24 hours straight if given the opportunity?
57. What does everyone mean by "insanity?"
58. Which one of these cities is the best: Cincinnati, New York, Tallahassee, Rodchester, Boston?
59. Do you know who Emmanuel Pahud is? If so, who is he?
60. What is the worst thing in the world?
61. If I was meeting you for the first time, what would I notice about you right at the beginning?
62. Do you like Robin Williams better as an actor or comedian?
63. How many cats do you want when you get older?
64. Are you fully grown yet?
65. Who cares?
66. What do you do when you want to spend time with yourself?
67. Who would you vote off your family island?
68. If you were to live in any time period, what would it be?
69. Does it bother you that I ended on an odd number?

I saw White Noise. What a stupid movie.
After the movie my mom and my aunt were standing outside the bathroom waiting for me and some guy asked them what movie they saw. My aunt said "White Trash" and then we were on our way.

I need to pray more and talk less.

Well, I have developed a very painful zit/pimple/growth/whatever right where my flute sits below my lip, and it hurts to play my flute, so it looks like this weekend will be light on the flute playing. So instead of practicing all night like I planned to, I surfed the television and came upon the national figure skating championships. I love watching figure skating, and it's even better because they always skate to really awesome music.

The couple that came in first in pairs used Saint-Seans' Bacchanale (sp?) from Samson and Delilah, and the pair that came in second used a medley of arranged tunes including Moonlight Sonata, Beethoven's Ninth, and The Marriage of Figaro overture.
In the women's long program the winner, Michelle Kwan (of course), skated to Ravel's Bolero, Sascha Cohen in second place used a movement from The Nutcracker suite, and the third place winner used Debussy's Daphnis and Chloe suite no. 2 (including the flute solo!). There were also appearances by Paganini, Rachmanninof (sp?), the Beatles, and Piazolla (the tangomastahhh!) And mostly, the skaters did well. It was fun to watch, and Michelle Kwan, at 24 years old, won again for the ninth time. If skating is anything like gymnastics, 24 years old is ancient. I mean, if you compared gymnastics years to real life years, 24 would be, like, 110 or something. It's OLD.

Oh yeah and Craig if you see this, the competition is a no-go, so don't bother practicing the piano part.

"Jazz flute is for little fairy boys"

Hmmm lets see if livejournal is up yet. No? Oh that's too bad. You guys can't post anything. And I can. Hmm. What a pity that you all moved to livejournal.

Claude Debussy (1862 - 1918)
One of the
most influential and innovative composers,
Debussy grew up in France in a bourgeois family
and later entered the Paris Conservatory. As a
composer, his compositions became the musical
representative of the impressionist style.

Which Classical Music Composer Are You?
brought to you by

I love lamp.
"Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying that because it's in front of you?"
I...I love lamp. I love lamp.

Hey all you losers who betrayed blogger to move to livejournal, guess who has posting power. I do! You don't! Your servers are down! Hahahaaa! Blogger did not lose all its information! Livejournal did! I win, you lose. Ha ha haaaa!
I will be providing all the blogging entertainment for a while. And you will LIKE IT.
(Sorry if I appear a bit over the top here, but, well, I am the sole survivor. Sorry.)

ANYWAY
This is about God, so if you don't believe in God then don't read this. Unless you want to.
We owe everything to God. He created everything. If you said to me, "I painted this beautiful picture, I have created something, and therefore God has not created everything" you would be wrong. Pick your painting apart.

Who made the paintbrush that you used to paint with? Probably a factory somewhere. But who created the factory? A person or group of people. But who gave those people the ability to create a factory? God did. Without the God-given ability to create a factory, we could not have mass-produced paintbrushes.
But, you say, I could make a paintbrush myself. I could take wood and fiber and fasten it together and have a perfectly good paintbrush. But where would you get the wood and fiber? From trees and in nature. Who created trees and nature? God did. Without the God-given trees and fibers in nature, we would not have paintbrushes at all.
But, you say, I don't need a paintbrush to paint with. I can use my finger or another various object. I don't need God's paintbrushes to create a picture. All I would need is paint and I could make that myself. The only thing I need to create paint is the right combination of chemicals. But who created those chemicals? God did. Without God-given chemicals, we would not have paint.
But, you say, even through all that, I was the one who painted the picture. I developed my own talent in painting, not God. It was me who spend all those hours in perfecting my skill, not God. But who gave you arms? Who fashioned perfectly to give you the opportunity to grow into a great painter? Who gave you the time to paint the picture? Who gave you the time to practice painting? When you practiced painting, were you really making yourself better or was God allowing you to become better? Could God take away your ability to paint well? Is your ability something you deserve through your hard work, or is it a gift, something that has been given to you?
The answer is simple: God. God gave you all of it.

I know that when I practice, I know that I am not making myself a more skilled flute player, but God is allowing me to become a more skilled flute player. Everything comes from God.

It's funny how a single event that makes you very happy can make you realize all the other little things in life that make you happy.
Right now, everything is beautiful.
Life is good.

Well I'm sorry if I am bragging but I just don't care this time because it really really deserves a good brag so DEAL WITH IT........

I have been invited to audition at Juilliard.
In yo face, losers.

Oh darn I am going to have to miss district orchestra festival to audition at Juilliard oh man I am so sad.

(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I'M EVIL!!!
EVIL EVIL EVIL!
::bangs head on wall::
GO AWAY DEVIL!

Me: Hey Brain, I have an idea!
Brain: Oh no
Me: How about being reallllly stupid
Brain: Talk to the Heart about that
Heart: What? What am I doing?
Me: Everything bad that's possible in Life right now
Heart: I am not. I'm just giving Life a little...spice.
Me: Oh heart...
Heart: I can't stop you know. It's a habit by now.
Brain: I told you it's Heart's fault. She even admits it.
Me: Heart, can you try a little bit harder to not be very stupid and overreactive? Things are not as bad as you make them out to be, trust me.
Brain: She's right, heart. Start being smart about things.
Heart: Well...I can try. But I can't promise anything.
Me: There is no try! There is only DO!
Heart: Stop yelling at me! Okay, I'll be good. Sheesh.

When you find yourself thinking about something a lot, that means you care about it. Why would you think about something you don't care about?

-------------------------

Do you ever wish that you could just tell somebody everything? Everything you know and feel and wish for? I do. Why do we hide so much? Would the world be a better place if we didn't hide anything?
My theory is that everybody is putting on a show, in one way or another. I hate to pretend, to put on shows, but I have to, we all have to. But why do we have to? That's what I'm wondering. Why do I hide so much, what good does it do me? And yet I must.

The other day I listened to Beethoven's 9th while driving. I couldn't believe how amazing it was, even after listening to it about 10 times before. There's nothing quite the same as mucic. It's just....aaahhh. I can't describe it. There's nothing to describe music. It's too...something. It's not a word, it's a feeling. Nothing like it.

Yesterday I went bowling with Shannon and Jay. I got four strikes and won two out of three games. Also, I became hard core from the blaring beats and fog machines and strobe lights and black lights and stuff.
It was fun and now I am hard core.

I just made really good use of my time and resources by making a Lord of the Rings collage using the pictures from last years's day by day calendar. I'm going to put it in the front of my humanities notebook.
:)

Why nerds are unpopular:

http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html

This is the 652nd post in my blogger. Way to go, me!

The Phantom of the Opera is really awesome if you don't compare it to the stage production. And if you like music.
They changed and/or removed some parts though, eh. They did what they wanted.
The only thing I really disagree with is the color choices in the Masquerade scene. Where did all the colors go? That was one of the factors that made the scene so awesome. Well, also Masquerade is the best song in the whole show. But you know. Color was awesome too.

Anyway...I'll let you guys watch it before I give anything else away. Generally, I was pleased with the movie. And I didn't want it to end.

Mrs. Ball: "Chris, you are late."
Chris: "I'm a senior. I can do whatever I want."

Masquerade
Paper faces on parade
Masquerade
Hide your face
So the world will never find you

1. Freedom from all self-pity
2. Freedom from all prejudice
3. Freedom from everything that would make you feel better than your sister

Written on the wall of the bathroom stall at Interlochen:
I am nobody.
Nobody's perfect.
Therefore, I am perfect!

Also:
In red pen:
Are you feeling alone?
In blue pen:
I hope so...this is a bathroom stall!

Someone threw something at me today (in a joking sort of way) and then said "I'm just kidding." My question is, how can you be just kidding about an action? You still threw something at me, you can't take it back. You can't be just kidding.
Not that I care. Throw stuff at me all you want, I won't stop you. Well, maybe I will. But it's the principle of the thing.

Also, I've noticed that whenever someone says "No offense, but..." the thing that follows is usually really offensive. Or if you says "Don't take this the wrong way" that's just a one way ticket to getting whatever you said taken the wrong way. They are like blaring sirens "YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE INSULTED." I know that whenever someone says these things to me I know something bad is coming. They backfire, ya know? I'm just going to stay away from these phrases.

Having student conductors for two days really makes you realize how important and skilled your teachers are. I hope they don't leave for that long for the rest of the year. And it was only two days...

The first humanities quiz was today. I was so ready. I'm going to get a high grade.

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!!! Tonight!!! YAAAAYYYY!!!
Thanks, mom, for giving me something to look forward to all week. It's wonderful to have something to look forward to, it is not?

Ha ha haaaa I'm boycotting all-state!!

No, I don't want/need your pity.
Brain: That's right.

My left hip has a dent in the bone. It's like a speed bump. It's like that because they took bone marrow from my hip to put in the bone in my back for surgery. And now sometimes I can predict rain because my side starts hurting. It's cool. Well, my side hurting isn't cool. But predicting rain is.

Anyway. I remember a time when someone implied that girls shouldn't be sad because their boyfriends break up with them. Or shouldn't cry or something. I can't exactly remember, it was a long time ago. The reasoning the person gave is this: there are people starving in this world. There are people who have terminal illness. There are people who live under harsh living conditions. The list could go on. And since none of these things are happening to us, we have no right to be sad. But you know what? I'm pretty sure that if I was starving and then my boyfriend broke up with me, I'd still be sad because of it.
Anyway.

My mom said she'd take me to go see The Phantom of the Opera this weekend! Awesome!
Also, a new Lost is on tonight.
What could be better?

Well I'm not doing so well on my resolutions so far but there is still time.

Ahhhhhh
Stop it, brain.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Don't you see?
You're driving me crazy!
Brain: False accusation
(brain hands me the card)

All the many pieces I'm attempting to learn look a little less imposing when I'm not sightreading them any more.
Still no word from NEC or Juilliard ): Juilliard I'm not worried about, because they said that I would find out my audition time (if I am invited) three or four weeks before the audition, and the auditions are end of Feb-early March.
NEC, however said they would contact for an audition late Dec-early Jan. The time is passing, and no word yet. I keep getting things in the mail that I like...newsletters, letters from Interlochen buddies, flute music...but what I really want is word from colleges. Come on, colleges!

Craig:
"Hey Ash, watch me walk like a robot!"
::walks like a robot::

Alyssa (upon walking into my practice room):
"Initially, it smelled like oranges."

-------------------

Well I'm sure glad I made that decision because I'm needing it.

This year I am not going to let someone else decide what I think about. I am going to decide what enters my brain and what doesn't.
And I am going to listen to more Chieftains.

-------------------

Hey I have an idea let's all talk A LOT about going to all-state. That will make things happy.

-------------------

Ya know, every once in a while we all wish that it could go back to the way it was. We all do it. We say to ourselves, "I was truly happy back then," and we always wish that it could be like that again. But you know what? It never will be the same again. Nothing will be the same again. It's hard to stop wishing for the past, I know, but how about instead of looking back to the past looking ahead into the future? Things can be very happy in the future, although they will never be the same. How about being happy that you had that time, that you were blessed with the opportunity to have that time? And who knows, maybe you weren't really as happy as you think. Maybe you haven't even seen happy yet because it's waiting somewhere in the future. Maybe your greatest hour is still to come. For someone my age, I would hope that the greatest hour is still to come. We all tend to think that our past is all our life is, that nothing greater is ever going to come, that what we are now is what we will always be. But you never know. You never know.

When I was in gymnastics, there was a move that I was totally scared out of my mind to execute. It was a called a flyaway, and it was a dismount from the uneven bars. To do it, you would swing a couple times and then let go while swinging forward, doing a flip in the air before you hit the ground.
I wasn't scared of doing it until one day when I let go too late, smacking my feet on the bar and scaring myself silly. After that, it was a struggle to let go ever again. The fear held me back. I knew that if I just decided to do it and let go, I wouldn't get hurt.
Every practice, I would resolve to do it, to actually let go this time, but whenever the time came I would panic and hold on. This method didn't work so well, because sometimes I would resolve to let go, panic and not let go, and then resolve again at the last second, resulting in hurting myself again because I let go too late.
I worked mainly with two coaches at the time. One was understanding and tried to talk me into doing it. She would spot me for few times and then see if I was ready to do it by myself. The other coach had a zero tolerance policy: if I refused to do it three times, I would be sent out of practice. Do it or you leave. I'm not really sure which policy worked better for me, but I do know that I got sent out of practice a few times.
Throughout the competition season, the fear gradually subsided, not without extremely tough effort and lots of anger. By the end, I was doing the flyaway by myself every time, although the fear never totally went away. There was always fear, always until I let go. It is only when you let go that you know you are not going to be hurt. I think I've learned that by now.

Whatever!

Pink cats rule!

Sigh..no more real break for me, ever again. Well, possibly spring break. But probably not.
Darn you, 6:00 A.M.

Pink cats rule!

I'm sorry I'm so stupid, but I really can't help it.

I don't want the college people to go back!

What would seem to most a lack of faith to me is a lack of pain.
I finally have peace.
No more pain.
Just peace.
It's wonderful.

Unlike most parties I attend where the host serves caffine, yesterday I was not hyper one bit. I don't know what was wrong. But I sure learned how to play poker.
I guess sometimes I will just have to forget things to be happy.

Me: Go away, 2004.
2004: You don't like me anymore?
Me: I'm just ready for a new year. And a clean slate.
2004: I understand. Well, have a good time in 2005. I'll always remember you, Ashley, and I hope you'll always remember me...
2004: How could I forget you, 2004? I have learned so much from you! Mostly things about myself. No, I will never forget you.
Goodbye, 2004

I had a dream involving a friend and it made me very very unhappy.