Most people think I don't have a chance of winning this audition. What they don't know is that I have already won.

I can hear myself getting better day by day: that's what I call winning. If I win the position, if I get a subbing spot, if I get a callback, or if I totally bomb the audition, it doesn't really matter, because I have won already.

"Remember, you're not practicing for next week, you're practicing for next year."
-Geoffrey Gilbert

Ain't it the truth.

The lights in my house dance, just for me.

Today: a very good day!
I needed to get out of the house. I wasn't going to waste another day by telling myself to practice all day and not actually doing it. (Just in case anyone is wondering, that's not a good plan, and it doesn't make for a very happy day). So what if doomsday is drawing nearer minute by minute. I can take it.

So I ended up painting Beth's room with some wonderful company. Rewards included food, dessert, and upwards. Good conversation. The works.

My parents, on an impulse, bought a new covertible! A snazzy red seabring (or seabing? maybe?). So what happens to their old car? It's mine!
They traded MY old car in for the same price that they bought it. Maybe a broken odometer has some perks after all. Oh yes.

Also, the promise of dancing tomorrow makes me happy. "Let's set it in stone."

Put on your dancing shoes
Stop wasting time
Put on your dancing shoes
Watch your spirits fly!

So in the end, I had a great day, and, by chance, happened upon a better car than I had before. Pretty good deal, I'd say.

All this good has to balance out sometime, so I'll be expecting some hard times in the future. Bring it on, life. I owe you.

Every time I practice that da..rn piccolo solo from Tchaikovsky's fourth symphony, I get so mad because I can't play it, and I have to take a break. It's so dang frustrating. Darn darn darn. Why is it so haaaarrrd. Tchaikovsky, ahhh. Why did you write that. Curse you.

These are some of the facebook groups they have at Juilliard:

Juilliard Is Overrated
Description: don't get us wrong, it ain't bad, but it ain't GOD either....

I go to Juilliard, I am Insane
Description: Because I notice all the time how my thoughts and actions don't make any coherent sense amongst the rest of the inhabitants of the real world.

The Hallways Have Great Acoustics.
Description: Really, the instrumentalists are just jealous that we don't have to rely on something exterior to create our art, we can do it WHEREVER we want. Our favorite places include the elevators, the bathroom (oh the beautiful overtones you can hear from the john), the cafeteria, and oh yes, THE HALLWAYS. At least our ear training class is not painful to the ear.

I Never Practice
Description: We got into Juilliard, so that means we're good enough already, right?

Juilliard Kids are [really] Weird
Description: For all the peeps who think we Juilliardians are totally whacked out. DJs, ping-pong prodigies, game masters, dancers who sing Gershwin really well, violinists who rock at the Beatles, poets. That and the people that buzz their lips or contort into crazy stretches while waiting in line at the Juilicaf. We all have a side that our fellows rarely, if ever, see; we are an extreme group of people. Be proud!

You know, I don't have any idea what I look like. I don't have any idea what I am going to see when I look in the mirror. It seems to me that every time I see my reflection, it shows me something different. And I am suprised, every time, at what I look like.

I could go by what people tell me I look like: for example, I am short. But you know what? I don't feel short, and I don't look short when I see myself. I am only short compared to other people.

Sometimes I try to look into the mirror and see myself as other people see me. Try to see the things they say about me. Try to see what kind of a first impression I would make if I met myself. And I can't do it. I can't see myself from the outside.

I always end up smiling at myself when I do these kinds of things, because I know I am acting so silly. And then I realize once again that I, as well as everybody in the world, look a lot better when I am smiling.

One week until doomsday.

You know, the classical music haters don't know what they are missing. I love classical music (aka any music played by an orchestra. Not really. But the general understanding of "classical music" is a lot more broad than classical alone). I also love rock music, and pop and world music and jazz and other stuff. I know what life would be like without classical music. And I can see how much people are missing by not giving it a chance.
Seriously, there is a another whole world out there. A beautiful and deep and expressive world. And many, many people are missing out on it. I don't look down on them for not liking classical music...I pity them.

Edit: I suppose pity is a way to look down on someone, so maybe in a way I do look down on these people. But not in the classic sense. Haha.

PERSON NUMBER FOUR
I can trust you. I can tell you things, and you understand. You put up with a lot, and you don't complain about it. You don't have the best luck in the world. I love you a lot, and you are one of the best friends I will ever have.

Today was the first time I've ever been in work and the time to leave caught me by suprise. I just glanced at the time, and POOF! It was time to go. My job must be really good.

I've suddenly been awakened to many flaws in my life. Mostly in my playing and in my moral character. It doesn't feel good. I want to be better. I'm not good enough, and it's really getting to me.

PERSON NUMBER THREE:
You are one of the most fun, understanding, and easygoing people I know. In many ways, I can talk to you more openly than I can talk to anybody else, mainly because we have a lot of important things in common. You are a true friend. Your influence has been all good. Thanks for being you.

"People named Bubba don't need a last name."
-Dad

Finally! A breath of fresh air. And not with Terri Gross, either.

Okay. I should be getting happier and more energetic right abouuut....now.

5 people...maybe:

You've taught me and helped me more than you would ever guess. More than anyone would ever guess. I like you, but you probably don't think I do. You were involved in the one and only night that I wish I could erase from my life. But I forgive you. It wasn't only your fault.

I've always liked you. Ever since I met you. You're witty, smart, nice, and just plain fun. We've had a lot of fun in the past. You put up with all my stupidity, and you go along with every crazy plot I think up. I think the influence you've had on me has been all good, whatever way you look at it (and there are a lot of ways to look at it). It's too bad that I can't see you very often anymore. Oh, and I'm sorry for that one time where I put you in a really awkward situation. That wasn't all my fault, but I could have handled it better, I think.

Okay two people. Maybe 3 more later.

I feel bleeeeeh.
But at least I feel, that's the main thing.

Well, I don't know how many people read this anymore. It's kind of crazy to think about how much life has changed since I first started writing in here. And how much I have changed. I know that I'm not the person that I used to be. I hope I'm a better person. I hope that we are all better people than before. I hope that I don't make the same mistake twice. Because man, have I made mistakes. There are a couple things that, since I have started writing in here, that I wish I didn't do. A couple of things I wish I hadn't said. There are a couple things that I wonder how I didn't do. Some people I wish I had met earlier, or later, or maybe not at all. I remember it all too clearly. And there are a couple things that I wish didn't happen, but they did, because you can't control everything. Sometimes, you have to choose between two evils and hope that everything turns out allright. And it will. Everything always turns out allright, even if you think it doesn't. After all, there is a reason for everything.

I'm definitely full of memory; some make me cringe to think about, some make want to me cry. I can't believe some of the things I did. How could I have done that? How could I have been duped into doing these things? What was I thinking? And in some cases, how could I have handled it better? God gives me circumstances, and leaves me to decide what to do. Sometimes the best path is very, very difficult to figure out. And to carry out. Sometimes when I look back, I wonder if there ever was a best path. Is there always a best path?

And sometimes, we are so blind. We do not know what consequences our actions have. It's all in the hands of God. We think we have everything under control, always moving forward, but what do we know? We know nothing.

I should hope that I have become more holy in the process. That is what I hope for everyone. I hope that I will be able to wake up tomorrow a better person than I woke up today. But I know that it won't just happen itself. It's the work of a lifetime. And so we continue down the path, stumbling and falling and getting back up, because that is what we must all do.

And I really hope that I can find him someday.

-------------------------------------------------

This winter, my old flute teacher had a get-together with her old students, now all in college. One of her old students is now in a relationship with this guy, who she is apparently enamored with. We were all discussing it together.

"He calls me about three times a day," she said.

"Wow," I said, "I don't think I'd want someone calling me three times a day."

"Then you have never been in love," my teacher said.

I'm pretty sure that for a period of time during my childhood, I would say a week at the very least, I didn't spit out my toothpaste when I brushed my teeth. I swallowed it.

Sometimes I wish for things that cannot happen.

And sometimes even music cannot substitute for tears...

You: So, how is life, Ashley?
Me: Same. This summer is turning out to be exactly what I thought it would be. And that's okay.

I like this Emma girl. She sees right through the little shows that people constantly put on.

Gosh, it's time to buckle down.

I'm sorry, friends. I'm being anti-social again. Maybe it's not me; maybe it's this place. I'm certainly not anti-social at FSU. It was freedom. This is not freedom. This is NOT freedom.

-------------------------------------

Once upon a time, a frog ate a fly.
And then he ate another one.
And another one.
The flies started getting angry.
They got together.
They plotted against the frog.
They attacked the frog.
The frog died, surrounded by flies.
The end.

Also, in my dream last night, I was voted to be the pope. And I stood in front of the crowd of people, and I didn't know what to say. I knew that everybody was expecting something very peculiar, because I was a girl and I was 19 years old. But all I could think about was how Odie (in the comic "Garfield") always stuck his tongue out, and how stupid it made him look.

Life keeps going! I can't stop it.

I need to get away. I've been here too long.

I just realized that I haven't been outside for two days. That probably isn't healthy.

But I did watch a cat own a stupid little snake worm today. You go, kitty.

I've been practicing a lot. More than I ever have in my life, I think. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have something productive to occupy all my time, I would be lazy and idle and bored.

I just read this book Blue Like Jazz, and the author's description of what writers do is hilarious:

"Writers don't make any money at all. We make about a dollar. It is terrible. But then again we don't work either. We sit around in out underwear until noon then go downstairs and make coffee, fry some eggs, read the paper, read part of a book, smell the book, wonder if perhaps we ourselves should work on our book, smell the book again, throw the book across the room because we are quite jealous that any other person wrote a book, feel terribly guilty about throwing the schmuck's book across the room because we secretly wonder if God in heaven noticed our evil jealousy, or worse, our laziness. We then lie across the couch facedown and mumble to God to forgive us because we are secretly afraid He is going to dry up all our words because we envied another man's stupid words. And for this, as I said before, we are paid a dollar. We are worth so much more."

Okay, I got a brochure in the mail, and I just want to let you know how awesome Interlochen is. These are JUST SOME of the guest artists coming to the camp this summer:

Lee Ann Womack
The Pacifica Quartet
Cheap Trick
Willie Nelson (who also performed at FSU last year)
Ladysmith Black Mambazo
Olga Kern
Ian Anderson
Van Kilburn
Avalon String Quartet
Cantus

Man, even after all these years, I still wish I was going back.

For a while now, my life has been getting simpler. Things are very easy and very wonderful when life is simple. I know that this simplicity is rooted in my growing relationship with God. I have no stress now, no worries. I haven't had stress or worries for a while. I just do what God tells me to do, and trust that He always has a plan for me, and it's the best time I've ever had. Unless, of course, I don't do what God tells me to do. Then I don't feel so good. But then, it's my own fault. And I can always remember as the day closes that tomorrow is a new day, and I will have a chance to try even harder.

I wish everyone could feel like this. Not only because it would make their life better, but because it would make my life better. Stressful, worried people are not happy people. And bad moods are contagious.
I know, I'm selfish.

A lot of times I see people, and I see that God is exactly what they need in their life. If they could just trust that everything is going to be okay, they would be so much happier. There is nothing to worry about. Things tend to work out, and everything happens for a reason. Anyway, it's only life, and it's going to end soon anyway.

"You spend too much time worrying about things that haven't even happened yet."

I don't know if I should post this. Well, I don't have comments, so okay.

The ship is still rocking.
Today has been a good day. I went to the library and got too many books to read before the due date, as usual. It's not my fault. They suck me in.

If only every day of summer was like today...

I have an important audition coming up.

And still, I feel the ship rocking. Literally.

A lot of stuff happened on the cruise. I'm way too lazy to write it all (even if it was possible), so I'll think I'll choose a few random things to tell you:

The ship was huuuge. There was food everywhere. And ice sculptures. And they charged you for whatever they possibly could.

Most commonly I could be found playing ping-pong, shooting hoops, or sunning. I played my flute a little bit, but the cruise was generally a break from the flute. The shows were great. They need a new lead trumpet, I think. The rocking of the ship bothered me a little at the beginning, but now it's weird to be on land. I can still feel it rocking.

The first stop was a private island. It was beautiful (though tourist-y), and the highlight of that day was being able to jet ski...for an hour! I fell off once. Actually more like flew off. Those things are a lot harder to ride than they look. It was exciting because this cute jet ski instructor (who actually ended up being on the international ice skating cast, who knew) asked me if I was okay. Haha, Andre. He was foriegn.

The next stop was on an island where my family signed up to snorkel. It was very interesting and cool. I saw turtles, tropical fish, coral, and a sting ray. The only catch to that day was that I got seasick on the little boat that took us snorkeling, and at the same time, I had a stomach virus (I suspect it was from food poisoning). So after the little water trip, I went back to my room and felt bad for the rest of the day. Oh well: at least it was only for a day. Word to the wise: never get seasick, because it's kind of horrible.

I loved the little boat that we rode on (besides the fact that it made me sick). It was manned by three people: an old man (who definitely looked like a stereotypical captain), a young man, and a young woman. They really, really loved their job. On the way back from the snorkeling expedition, they served everyone as much free alcohol as they wanted. My family took avantage of the free rum and they all got really drunk. Then the crew made a great sales pitch selling Dubloon (the little boat) merchandise. The logo wasn't just any pirate skull, no no. It was a SCREAMING skull logo. Since everyone on the boat was drunk, all the crew had to do was ask shirt size to get a sale.

It really is an ingenious operation if you ask me. Everyone wins. The cruise ships guests get to have a great time snorkeling and then a great time drinking, and the crew of the boat gets to party all day and then get money from shirt and hat sales.

The next stop was on an island that was half french and half dutch. I liked the french half. Everyone dressed very fashionably and spoke english with an accent. All the signs were in french, so I got to see how much of the language I remembered from high school. Turns out it's not very much. My uncle gave me a mbira from that island. I was happy about that.

I gambled at the casino. My mom gave me two dollars in quarters to gamble with. I put them one by one into the slot machine, and I never got any back. What a rip off. I think that's the last time I'll ever gamble.

Okay, I'm done writing. That's all you'll get about the cruise.

I'm back, yay.