Monday, February 28, 2005

I didn't get a callback :(

I'm just kidding, I really did get a callback! I'm going to Juilliard!!! WEEEEE!

I'm just kidding again. I really didn't get a callback. You silly geese.

MORE LATER (I'm still sick)

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Well, I leave for New York tomorrow. The big apple. The city that never sleeps. The city of hope.
And Juilliard.
To audition at Juilliard, each flute player had to sumbit a tape with rigorous audition requirements on it. From those the audition committee prescreened down to 36 flute players, all of whom audition on Sunday the 27th in New York City. All those flute players then have to be available at the school until 9:00 that night for callbacks. My audition form pretty much makes it clear that if you don't get a callback, you are not getting accepted.
My mom keeps saying that it would be pretty depressing if I didn't get a callback.
I don't agree.

New York is going to be the best. I mean, come on, it's New York City!! My mom and I are staying with my Uncle Paul, who is really awesome. He has a parrot named Freddie and unique laugh. My uncle has the laugh, not the parrot.
We are also going to see the New York Phil. They are playing The Sorcerers Apprentice, a world premiere of an oboe concerto, and the whole of Scheherezade. It's going to be amazing. I just can't wait. I mean, how many times in your life will you be able to see the New York Philharmonic?

I hope nobody hates me or destroys my instrument. I've heard some horror stories, people destroying based on jealousy. I hope everyone plays fairly and the best musicians may win the spot(s). If I am not the most deserving musician/flute player, then I hope I don't make it in. If I am the most deserving, then I hope I do. I wouldn't want to cheat someone more deserving out of their place at Juilliard. Likewise, I wouldn't wanted to be cheated out of my rightful place.

I am developing a cold. I woke up today with a sore throat, and the coughing sneezing runny nose high temp low energy achiness has been endless today. I can take it though. I can take anything. Everything happens for a reason.
It's good that I couldn't practice much of third block today. I wouldn't want to tire myself out.


I don't think I'll go to Bible study today, as much as I would like to.

Bye everyone. I'll catch you on the flip side. The flip side being Juilliard. Pray for me if you want to. I'll need every bit of God I can get.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I conquered my fears for once and stayed up late (to study, mind you). I think it paid off on the test today, but I also think that I could've done a lot better.
And I realized again why I was so afraid of not getting enough sleep.

I like talking to Dan. He's not a jerk to me. That makes my life a lot easier.

The weather was beautiful today. Reminds me why those northerners envy Floridians.
The trees are a beautiful shade of green, also. I love color. Thank you for color.

Juilliard in a couple days.

I'm sorry that my posts have been so boring and self-centered lately. Oh wait..no I'm not.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Some people make me feel really special. Like three people maybe. And I bet they don't even know who they are.

To people who think Florida is Paridise:
"You still have to write research papers in Paridise."

"Beware of the viola, cello and trombone. These instruments are evil!"

NEC PART 2
My audition at NEC went okay. It was about the same as Eastman, 7/10 perhaps. It's just that the flute people were so businesslike that they didn't quite make you feel so good about your playing. Anyway, I've pretty much decided that I'm not going to go there, unless somehow I miraculously get a full scholarship. But it was a nice trip nonetheless.

I went to the Boston Symphony concert. They had a piano player that reminded me of a young Mr. Krienes. He moved and played like him: very energetic, very emotional, very involved. Every once in a while he would look out to the audience before he played and smile at them, like saying "Watch this, guys." You could tell that he just loved what he was doing: it showed on his face, the smile, in his movements. It was amazing to watch. He played a Mendelssohn piano concerto; it made me so happy to experience. I left for intermission with my heart fluttering, with a wide smile on my face, because what I just heard I enjoyed so very very much.
It reminded me of why I play music.

A few days later when my mom and I called a cab back to the airport, the guy driving was this really friendly guy with some kind of Irish accent. He asked us where we were going and when we said Florida, he said "I could drive you to Florida!" It was funny.

Millions of kids flood the airport. It's like a meeting of the kids, seriously. I like watching them, being all excited about going to disney world, donning their mickey mouse shirts and sometimes even mickey mouse ears. I see my past self in them: the innocence, the freedom, the happiness, the curiosity. I remember when I was little I wanted to be little forever. I didn't care about anything the adults did. I just cared about kids...ya know, having fun.

When my auditions are over I can have friends again? Maybe?

Monday, February 21, 2005

Boston was wonderful; NEC was less than wonderful. Baxtresser is not teaching there next year, I got a cold vibe from the school, they don't award full scholarships, outlook for NEC looks bleak. However, my trip was awesome.
The amazing thing about Boston to me is that it is so very clean. It's a beautiful city, and on Sunday night my mom and I spend a good couple hours walking around and exploring. The whole time we were walking, I saw one single piece of trash on the ground: a tissue, likely to have fallen from someone's pocket. How do they do it?
Also, there was a giant mall next to my hotel, and it had a church inside of it. Yes, a church, inside a mall, right next to a dunkin doughnuts. I went to church there; it was good. I like the random bursts of Latin incorporated into the mass.

It's so difficult traveling to so many awesome places at this time of year. It's the time of year when everything here starts to become dull, repetitive, annoying.
I go to Boston, Cincinnati, New York Rochester, visit relatives, see friends from Interlochen, watch BSO and NYP concerts, shop in exclusive stores, eat disgustingly delicious hotel food, play in the snow, everything is new! exciting! fun!
And then when I step back into my house...well, everything comes flooding back again. Same problems, same stress, same people. And I wake up the next morning and haul myself back to school and play in the same band I've played in for four years. It's just difficult, knowing how much else there is out there while I'm stuck here in my same old life, doing the same thing, day after day.
I wish I could turn that idea into something positive. But I don't know if I can, just because it is so true. Well, that and because I've stayed up way too late writing my research paper to be thinking positive.

Have a nice day.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

I'll see you in Boston!

Thursday, February 17, 2005

861 words tonight.
Oh yeah.
SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHH

UNRELATED
Because few people know and/or care how little time I have and how efficiently I use it, I will say this to myself because nobody else will:
Ashley, I don't know how you do it.
Congratulations on being so awesome.

I feel better now.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

TONIGHT Melbourne lesson and Krienes rehearsal
TOMORROW Humanities quiz and essay makeup
FRIDAY Solo and Ensemble
WEEKEND Boston! NEC Audition! BSO!
MONDAY Research paper due (haven't started)
TUESDAY Recording for NFA Competition

Haven't cleaned my room or bathroom in about a month...
Haven't cleaned my car in about half a year...

Wow, it's a good thing we are not allowed to read textbooks during SSR. They're killin me here...

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"I can take it. I can take anything."

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IN MUSIC THEORY TODAY
I figured out Colin's phone number when he played it in scale degress on his tuba. I was proud of myself.

"Ashley can get a date with anyone"
I laughed at that.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Seriously.

I had an eye appointment today. I am not a candidate for contacts and probably never will be, so it looks like I'll be wearing glasses the rest of my life. The reason is because I'm not nearsighted or farsighted; I have a mild stigmatism. And apparently contacts aren't too great at correcting stigmitisms. Oh well. At least glasses make me look smart(er).
They put eyedrops in my eye again. I almost passed out again, but I didn't actually do it this time. The doctor said it was because I had a panic attack when he put the eyedrops in. I don't doubt it...I don't like the idea of having random fluids put in my eye by someone I just met 5 minutes ago. Even if he is a trained professional.

Anyway, Feb 15 was my lucky day up until last year. Good things have happened to me on Feb. 15. Unfortunately, I think my luck has run out. But it's okay. I've given up trying to make things work out in the field of love, at least until college. Until then, I will seek not happiness but sensibility.
And don't you dare pity me for it.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Waking up in the morning...
Mom: Happy Valentine's Day, Ashley!
Me: Happy Stupidtine's Day, Mom!

That pretty much sums up my whole day.

Love is for the weak.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

I let so much go unspoken...

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Life is good...

Cincinnati was pretty dang cool. My flights went well again, and for that I am thankful. My mom and I got a rental car, and we were driving on a hill when I got my first glimpse of the city; my jaw literally dropped. Cincinnati is beautiful. Every corner is another cathedral reaching the sky, or high school build like a castle, or hotel imitating a manson. My hotel was called "Vernon Manor" and it was so awesome. The room was huge. I could've done gymnastics in it.

The College-Conservatory of Music (CCM) at the University of Cincinnati is pretty dang awesome. The practice rooms have the best acoustics in the world. Apparently they used to be dorm rooms until they were renovated not too long ago...all that meaning that each practice room has a double bay window overlooking the CCM couryard. And vaulted ceilings. And enough room for a cello choir. And a million of other surprises.

What was my impression of the campus itself, you ask? It was big. Very big. It was kind of cool looking, but, as I remarked to my mom, looks don't make a difference. Nice architechture, whatever, I don't care. The student union was awesome though. A million different places to eat.

It was so different from Eastman. Eastman is this tiny school, about 400 (I might just be making that number up) students in the whole school. It is only music, and it's located in a relatively small, industrial city. Cincinnati, on the other hand is a state university with millions of people (well maybe not that many) and all areas. It's in a bustling city with culture and sports and...people. They are just so different.

So how was my audition? I was right when I said my audition was going to be even better than Eastmans. I couldn't have hoped for a better audition than I had here. 9/10. They video recorded my audition, which was a little intimidating, but I played the majority of my stuff memorized, and I tried to smile as much as possible. It was good; I made maybe one or two mistakes the whole audition. But again, they asked for the easy stuff. I LEARNED THE WHOLE MUCZYNSKI SONATA AND THEY DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY OF IT. That bothered me just a little. But if they want to ask for the slow stuff, they can go right ahead. I ain't afraid of a little expression.
The flute teacher seems nice, but it's hard to judge someone when you first meet him. But I've heard from some pretty reliable sources that he's a great person and great teacher, so I'll just have to take their words for it. I'm slightly worried that though he may be a great teacher, he may not be the BEST teacher for me, ya know? Oh well.

I saw Liz! From my cabin at Interlochen! I hung around with her all day both on audition day and Cincinnatus day. She plays horn (like a beast) and we were pretty dang good friends at Interlochen. Man, if I think I am happy seeing someone I recognize from Interlochen, I know now how insanely happy I am to see someone from my cabin at Interlochen. I was HAPPY. It was totally awesome. And of course our moms hit it off as well.

I would tell you about the Cincinnatus but I really don't feel like it. All I'm gonna say is that I performed at a rather moderate level so I'm not expecting anything great.

It was somewhat cold most of the time and then at the end of the trip it got nice. There was no snow, although it did flurry one morning. I said, if it's gonna be cold, you might as well have snow. Snow is the best.
Everyone who lives up north hates where they live. They hear that I live in Florida and ask in astonishment why I would want to go to college in Ohio. Florida needs to have a conservatory.

Cincinnati had about 20 chili places, restaurants that only serve chili. What's up with all the chili?

It's funny that when I go on these trips I think about life back home and I don't care about anything. I really don't.
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The train is leaving the station.

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"I have a better chance with her than you do."

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Today on the way home from school I was speeding along in the left lane when I noticed that a car was tailgating me, so I moved over to the right lane. Of course, as soon as I switch lanes I notice that right in front of me in the right lane is one of those cars that drives 10 under, so I attempt to switch back to the left lane really fast. I ended up cutting off the car that was tailgating me (keep in mind that when this car was tailgating I was going ten over).
So I pass Mr. 10 Under and go back to the right lane to let Mr. Tailgater by. Well, it turns out that Mr. Tailgater was a car full of punk boys. They all opened their windows and gave me the "I'm really happy with you!" hand signal when they passed me. So I gave them the tourist face and a thumbs-up. I felt so loved.

It's strange that I've been so happy these last few days. Not depressed in the least. I wouldn't expect it. I'm not complaining or anything (NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE HAPPY!) but it's not what I would've guessed I would feel, judging from the past.

I am giving up self-pity for Lent.

Tomorrow I'm leaving for Cincinnati! I'm auditioning for the Cincinnati Conservatory on Friday and competing in the Cincinnatus scholarsip competition on Saturday. I'm excited to see what CCM is all about. My teacher says that Cincinnati is the school that is "putting out all the good flutists" nowadays.
I know that this trip is not going to be as awesome as Rochester because a) My family is not there, b) Chefs is not there, and c) I won't get the hardcore t.v. watching that I did on the Jet Blue flights. But my audition will be even better! Wish me luck, guys!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Today was a very good day and I was extremely happy at times, so that tells me (and you) that I'm going to be fine.

Music theory is so awesome. I like to compare it to calculus: people say it's hard, but I actually get it. It's one of the few things in this world that I actually understand (so far), and therefore, I like it.

Today music theory was awesome. I can't remember the last time I have laughed that hard. Possibly last year when we were reading Hayakawa and I saw that drawing in the book. Mr. Schwindt sure is a funny guy when he wants to be, I'll tell ya that.
We went over some homework and acted like elementary/middle schoolers because everytime we would get something right, we would say "YESSS!!!" It was awesome.

Yesterday I talked to my mom about some of my feelings (I had feelings yesterday). It felt good to tell someone about stuff. Someone who actually cares and actually listens. I don't know why it feels better after you tell someone something, but it does. I'm glad there's someone left in this world that I can open up to.

On Feb. 27, I could:
a. Play at a BSYO concert
b. Sing the national anthem at a basketball game televised on ESPN
c. Audition at Juilliard
....hmmm....which one should I choose?

Monday, February 07, 2005

Good thing that didn't happen to me.

UNRELATED!
A boy told me he loved me today.
Really. He did.

I am going to Juilliard in two weeks. And you are not.

I really need to get out of this place.
Some things are just out of our control. We seem to think that if we wait and if we hope, we deserve to have whatever we want. But God has plans that we know nothing about. And who are we to argue that our plan is right and God's plan is wrong? We can't argue.
Some things are meant to be, and some things aren't meant to be. The least we can do is accept that.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

I gotta get out of this place.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

I certainly could not have asked for a better trip than that.
Everything at Rochester just sort of fell into place. Both the flights to and fro were actually EARLY from the scheduled times.

I visited my family a lot, including two cousins I haven't seen for 6 or 7 years, my aunt Karlene and Uncle Larry, and another cousin. I also saw for the first time my cousin's baby, Elizabeth. I can't get over how totally adorable she is! "Weeee!" is her favorite thing to say. My love for her tells me how much I really do like kids and how much I want them if/when I get married.

Eastman School of Music looks totally awesome. Everyone there seems so happy and friendly, and the atmosphere is very non-competative (wind players do not audition for the large ensembles, they actually rotate parts and ensembles, which I think is awesome.) The theatre there is absolutely breathtaking, I mean, this place is BEAUTIFUL. The dorm building looks very comfortable, everything has an old easygoing style.

I talked to Helen, a flute player I know because we had the same teacher back in the day. She is a freshman at Eastman, and she has a lot of good to say about the flute instructor. She loves the school but not neccessarily the city. It was nice talking to her, getting the inside scoop, seeing her again.

My audition went pretty well. I said it could've been a little better and it could've been a lot worse. 7/10 on the audition scale, which is decent. Eastman obviously is a hard school to get into (I think they are only taking 3 flutes this year), but I am fairly sure that I did well enough to at least make it to the waiting list. We'll see though.

Out of 4 flute players I met who were auditioning there, I knew 3 from Interlochen. Including me, there were 4 flutes from last year's camp there, and that's just one audition day out of maybe 10! And that doesn't even include the regional auditions and the taped auditions that are sent in. Interlochen is craziness.

I WENT TO CHEFS. And again, it exceeded my expectations. Chefs is the only restaurant that consistantly lives up to my expectations. Maybe it's because I go there about once every six years.

SNOW! I saw snow! I touched it! I saw icicles hanging off of buildings! I wore gloves! My face felt wintery fresh when I stepped outside! I slid on the ice on the ground! I heard the crunch under my feet when I stepped in the snow! I was there when it was snowing! I could see my breath so clearly that I could track where every particle was! None of the trees had leaves on them!
I really didn't think snow would be so exciting and so foriegn. But it was! It was just amazing! I actually had my mom take a picture of me in front of a mound of snow, with me holding a snowball. Someody drove by when we were doing that and laughed out the window. I really wished I could've stayed there longer to see more snow. It was awesome. I couldn't stop looking at it. I reminded myself of Inga, the girl at Interlochen who had never been in a thunderstorm. I feel like shouting to the world...I WAS IN SNOW!
My mom didn't appreciate the weather quite as much. She must've said "I hate this northern weather" about 20 times when we were there, and she cursed about every 10 seconds when she was driving in the snow. Ah well. I guess that's why I live in Florida.

Overall, it was a very very pleasant trip. It confirmed my view of Eastman as a definite possible college choice, and I got to see my family, eat Chefs spaghetti parmesan, and see snow! And on top of all that, we flew Jet Blue flights both ways (in case you didn't know, Jet Blue planes have a mini television in front of every seat), so I had about 10 hours of hardcore t.v watching forced into my schedule. What an awesome trip.

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I have a funny story. My mom and I were at the Rochester airport and we wanted to get something to eat and we decided on Subway. The Subway at the airport was this little stand, about as big as those little watch stands in the mall. Anyway, there was only one single person working there, and my mom and I walked over to the counter. When we got there, the girl who worked there was on the phone. She talk for maybe two minutes before saying "I have some customers, so bye."
She then got ready to take our orders, and my mom got out the words "I'll have a six-inch" before the girl picked up the phone again. She started talking ("Look, it's four o'clock, so you need to send someone up here to work") and did so for another two minutes before turning to us and asking, while still on the phone, "what kind of sandwich do ya want?" My mom said she would like six inch honey oat bread. The girl walked over to the bread and asked in an angry tone, "What kind of bread do ya want?!?" My mom said in a very loudly "HONEY OAT."
The girl went crazy!
"You don't have to get all smart with me, because I don't have to serve you, do you know that?" My mom did exactly what I would've done by quickly and silently making an exit. I followed closely, trying to hold back my laughter.
We marched across the hall to the convienience store and my mom asked the unusually attractive store clerk if he knew where the manager for the Subway was. He didn't seem to understand, "The manager...isn't here..." My mom went on and on to him about how it was "ridiculous how rude she was," etc. I tried to give him the "I have nothing to do with this" kind of look, but I'm not sure that he caught it.
In the end we ate at McDonalds, and it was good. I just wish someone else was there with me at Subway so we could make fun of it together.

END

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I was supposed to have two lessons this week, but they both ended up being cancelled.
Ah well.
If there's one thing I've learned in this crazy life, it's that things tend to work out. So there's no sense in worrying.

Wellp, tomorrow I leave for the first of the big auditions, the Eastman school of music in Rochester. This school is mere hours away from where I lived the first seven years of my life. It would be kinda funny if I ended up going there, ya know? It's like going back to the beginning.
I'm thinking this trip is going to be one of the most fun of the four (though I'm expecting to have a certain amount of thorough fun on all the trips), seeing as Helen is going to show me around, I'll get to meet and audition for the legendary Bonita Boyd, I might get to see some NY branch Stahls, and I might even get to go to Chefs! Right on! In any case, my ear is feeling better so hopefully the plane ride will go smoothly.
Peace out, and wish me luck!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

I've thought about something and this is what I have concluded:

-One time I asked Mr. Schwindt whether he liked Teddy Ghrams or Goldfish better. He said that he liked both; if he hadn't had goldfish in a while he would want those more, but if he hasn't had Teddy Ghrams in a while he would want those more. He said that if he had just eaten a million goldfish, he would want teddy grams more, and vice versa.
-I switch the music in my CD player at home and in my car A LOT. I change it practically every day. But somehow, I sometimes manage to not listen to a certain type of music for a long period of time. If I don't listen to some, say, Celtic music for a while, I start to want to listen to Celtic music. On the other hand, if I listen to only Celtic music for a while, I will want to listen to something else.
-When I hang out with friends a lot, I start to get annnoyed with the little habits and flaws in character. I have been around them TOO MUCH and now I want to hang out with someone else. But, if I don't hang out with my friends for a while, I start to miss them and want to hang out again.

We can't have the same thing for a long time.
It bores us.
But if we once liked something and we haven't had it for a while, we want it again.

That is the answer.
Eastman audition in two days!
I really really really really hope that this ear infection goes away before I enter an airplane. If it doesn't, who knows what could happen. Come on, antibiotics. Give me all you've got!

Today I was driving and a car passed me, speeding a lot. Suddenly we drove by a speed limit sign which increased the speed by 15 miles per hour. Obviously, the car didn't see the sign because it stayed at the same speed, and by accelerating, I ended up passing the car which sped past me before. The driver thought he was still madly speeding but in reality he was falling farther and farther behind.