It is as I thought. The incomplete spinal fusion is what is casing the pain. There is still material (?) between the two vertebrae that are supposed to be fused, and it is deteriorating, causing the two to hit each other and create lower back pain.

But how to proceed from here? That is not as simple as I thought. Last night I was thinking that I would have to have surgery. Not so. I COULD choose to have surgery, but there are complications. This doc is against the laporoscopic method, so I'd have hardware in my back. Screws that can pinch nerves. There will also be more strain on the adjoining vertebrae L4-L5, so problems could develop there. He did not recommend surgery, at least not now. I have felt absolutely normal the past two weeks, so if I can live like this, why have surgery?

I've lived with this incomplete fusion for 13 years. How long can I remain in this state? Well... forever, the doc says. If I just stop running. "Running on a hard surface is the worst thing you can do," a direct quote from him. Well that's not good news. Also being pregnant will be really really painful because all that extra weight will be resting directly on my lower back. Cool.

There is good news: I'm not going to make the problem much worse no matter what I do. I'm not at risk for anything catostrophic, not within the year (which is when I'm expected back). I'm not going to be paralyzed or anything extreme like that, no matter if I run around the world or not.

To simplify the results of the appointment, I have three options: 1) Keep doing what I'm doing. Let the pain be my guide to determine how much I can handle. 2) Have surgery. This was not recommended by my doctor (at least not yet). 3) Quit ultimate.

I've taken the last 3 weeks off from all type of exercise. And my back feels normal. Who knows? Maybe I will come back and the pain will magically be gone (cough).

I am going to go with option number 1 now. I know that I will never be able to play as much as I used to. My days of playing ultimate 3-4 times a week are gone. But maybe if I cut back to every once in a while, I will be able to handle it. I just don't know right now.

O joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

Wellp, tomorrow is the day. I go to the doctor and find out what is wrong with my back.

I have a pretty good idea of what is very plausibly causing my back pain. My former back surgeon was nice enough to email over my old medical records. I've been reading through them and getting more and more depressed the more I read. Here are some excerpts from my last appointment two years ago:

"There is evidence of nitrogen gas deterioration of the disc space."
"There is incomplete fusion of the L5-S1 vertebral bodies."
"There is grade 1 spondylolisthesis of L5 on S1."
"If things worsen over time, certainly she is a candidate for revision laparoscopic surgery or posterior instrumentation."

After reading these and other things, it's become pretty obvious what is wrong. My spinal fusion in 2000 did not heal correctly, and it did not fix the spondylolisthesis of my teenage years. I will very likely need to have surgery again. I feel like I am not being pessimistic in saying these things; I am being realistic. After all, these are actual quotes from my last back appointment two years ago.

I suppose it's possible that this could be some other, less bad problem. But I seriously doubt it.

I'm bracing myself for the worst, steeling my nerves for the news that I can't play frisbee for a year, that I will have to prepare for surgery, and that I'll be the coolest kid in school once again, sporting the back brace for one more year.

It's wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I'm not dying, I'm not losing a loved one, I'm not going to lose any limbs (I hope), and beyond a few weeks afterwards, the surgery will largely not affect my ability to do my job or everyday life. But man, would I miss my frisbee...

Pray if you are the type. I need it.

X-rays, CT scan, and MRI tomorrow.

Follow up appointment Wednesday.










.....I'm scared.

My back has been hurting again. I made an appointment with a spinal surgeon because I don't want to mess around with doctors who won't know what's wrong. My doctor will know.

Pray for me that it isn't something serious, something that requires surgery. Going through all of that again, being in a brace for a year... it would be so much worse as an adult. I thrive on sprinting and playing and climbing, biking and swimming, jumping and falling. I like to move, and it would be terrible, just terrible if I lost my mobility. It's not that I haven't been thankful for what I have...

"Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Feeling very thankful for my health tonight. Allows me to lead an active life that is never held back by bodily weakness."

My appointment is tomorrow. I am metaphorically holding my breath. I hope he tells me that I am wasting my time, that I've pulled a muscle and it is basically healed already, that it will all be okay. It's possible.