It's almost 1:30 at night, and I can't stop eating cookies. I need help.

I found my old Bond CD today and gave it a listen. Man, say what you will about that quartet, but that is some mighty good techno music that they play.

Today's my last day of work, but it's also my least favorite day of the job. I've finished all of the list-making (sitting at the computer, writing down an endless list of names and dates) and now it's time to label the boxes and put all of the lists inside them. That means I'll be lifting paper-laden boxes all day. Those boxes are REALLY heavy, let me tell you. I wasn't made for this kind of work. I wish I could bring in one of my big, strong guys to help me; I wish I could play the woman card or the short card or the weak card or the "I-had-back-surgery-when-I-was-13-and-it-still-gives-me-problems" card. But I can't. Some days, you just have to do things that you're not really made to do. And that's life.

Spending some time with CCR today. Love it!

My paternal grandparents have been married for 63 years and they still hold hands. That's what I want.

Ever feel unequipped for the things that life throws at you? I often do. Like...I'm the worst person for the job, but they've hired me anyway, and I get thrown in with no training. I just have to sort of wing it, learn from experience, and hope that I do it better next time. It never feels quite right to me.

Most (if not all) of you know already, but I'm giving a recital at Indian River Methodist Church on Cheney Highway on Sat. August 1 at 2:00 PM. I'm playing pieces from America (all of the Americas, not just the U.S.), and it should be a real good time for me...and hopefully for the audience too.

S: "So what's the occasion for the recital?"
B: "She's a musician...they have to do this every once in a while."

This was my first weekend at home in two months. It was really great. I needed some serious stress relief, which I received. Gotta love these friends. And I got to sleep in!!!

I forgot to lotion my arms (of all things!) at the beach today, and they are beet-red now. YAY.

Really cool ultimate tonight. We played in the pouring rain with really intense thunder and lightning. It really wasn't the smartest or safest thing to do, and at one point I thought we were all going to die. But after the storm there were two beautiful rainbows in one direction and a beautiful sunset in the other direction, so it was more than worth it. The rain made the fields super wet and some of us stayed afterwards to do layout "drills." Doesn't get any better than that, I say, it doesn't get any better than that.

Everything is wrapping up. I'm starting to get used to the idea that I'm moving away once again. It'll be okay. It's all part of the plan.

I got gas today at Wal-Mart. I was pumping fuel into my car when a guy--probably about my age--approached me. He had dark skin and thick glasses and a few face piercings, I think. He looked me directly in the eye. "Uh oh," I think. He asks in a very thick Indian accent:

"Excuse me...how do you get to Orlando?" (he draws out the A in Orlando painfully long, like Orlahhhhndo). He is obviously not from this country and oblivious to directions.

I think for a second (relieved that he's not asking for money). I point to SR 50,
"Just follow that road."
"Which road?"
"That one over there, that way."
"How many miles?"
"Oh, I don't know...about half an hour."
"Thank you."

Then he smiles at me and says in a regular American voice--no accent whatsoever-- "Just kidding," and walks away. What?? I am so confused. It wasn't until he got into a car full of laughing, shirtless, college-aged guys (his friends, obviously), that I realized what just happened.

I just got punk'd.

Note to self: Log out of chat before you go to sleep.

When will the madness end?

SO. A lot of things happened today, and in general, I am much happier than I was before. It sounds cliche, but I have been set free. Oh the wonders of knowledge.

YA DUMB

I listen to certain pieces of music for different purposes. I have said before, I use The Engulfed Cathedral by Debussy when it seems that there is no hope left; I use Sigur Ros when I am feeling lonely. I use the last movement of Saint-Saens' Organ Symphony when I am feeling jubliant, and I use Dave Brubeck's Unsquare Dance when I am feeling pretty cool (after all, there's nothing cooler than 12-bar blues in asymmetrical meter).

But this post is about a different piece. When I feel like I need to cry and I want to make it happen, I turn to this one Rodrigo's Piano Concerto, mvt. 3. I'm not a crier, so sometimes I need a little help releasing those types of emotions.

Other pieces of music are sad enough, I know, but in my opinion this is the one of the saddest. Other pieces skim the surface of the emotion--they're melancholy, or bittersweet, or gloomy--but this piece, it has no inhibitions in exposing the total devastation of the heart. The music is crying, you can hear it--it's heartbroken, it doesn't know what to do except cry out, sobbing, wailing. It's almost wild in its reckless abandon. And that's how we as humans feel sometimes--so sad that there's nothing left to do but cry our tears.

So on the road trip, we all played one round of MASH. Turns out that my future husband is Emperor Palpaltine, and he is destined for a career as a high school teacher.

Edit: And we're going to have over 9,000 kids together. (How is this possible? Something having to do with the midichlorian count, I would think.)

I AM ANGRY AND I'M NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN WHY.

Dude. Asher's getting married tomorrow. Word.

75% flutist, 25% actress.

I'm doing this gig where I get filmed playing in a flute quartet that students can play along with. It will be made into a DVD (or something) for a lesson supplement. Students around the country will model their playing after my own. Oh no...

DANGER DANGER

Ultimate makes me forget my troubles like nothing else. I've said before that the beach makes me forget my troubles, and it's true--but when you go to the beach, you take your troubles with you. It's just that once you get there you don't really care about them anymore.

Ultimate works differently. Once you start playing, you can't remember what your troubles were at all. It's like they disappeared completely. And that's pretty awesome.

Building upon sand was forced upon me
The choice was never my call.
Now why is it MY job to push this down
Before it gets too tall?

I did a lot of really productive things today, but none of them involved practicing the flute. I'm starting to get really nervous about my time crunch before my recital. I only have like 2 weeks left, and I haven't even finished learning some of these pieces, not to mention polishing them.

Time has been stressing me out lately. Mainly how little of it I have, and how much more of it that I need. I want more time to practice the right way, so sleep the right amount, to have fun, to work and make money. I want more time to spend with my old friends, my true friends, my new friends. I need time to work things out, to leave in the right mindset.

My time is running out everywhere that I look. It's stressing me out!

A magnificent end to my Poached and Fried journey. Dead now, going to sleep. Yup, it's before 10:00 PM, I'm just that tired.

I had a real good time today at the tourney! It feels really weird to be home in the middle of a tournament. I'm happy that I'll be able to get a good night's sleep though, and not sharing a hotel room with 6 other people.

Anyway, we only played 3 games today. I didn't score any points, but I did have my first tournament assist and a good huck catch in the first game and like 5 D-blocks in the third game. And I've just been...more active and confident. I got a lot of high-fives today. I'm a lot better than I was at the first tournament.

Tomorrow's my last tournament day with Poached and Fried. I will probably never see most of those people again. Sad :(

I'm going to be honest here. I love my friends here in Titusville. A lot a lot. I really don't want to leave. Like...I could work this stupid job here, and as long as we keep playing ultimate and having game nights and watching superhero movies, I'd be fine with not advancing my career or moving to Tempe. QQ, I want to stay.

Ice cubes are rarely cubes. Just sayin'.

O Joy that seekest me through pain
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be.

Impetuous, capricious, needy...

Yes siree, I am ready to play some ultimate ultimate tonight. I just realized that I haven't played in a week--Eeks! Egdretcht! I didn't go last Wednesday because I was still recovering from being sick, I didn't go on Sunday because I was driving back home from Tally, and I didn't go on Tuesday because I was celebrating my mom's birthday. All valid reasons, but man have I missed it! And my body is feeling it! I am ready to play hard tonight, in preparation for the tourney (my last one with Poached!) this weekend. I might have to be playing savage...

Rock on, dudes.

So upon google-ing my name today, I discovered that one of the auto-suggestions that Google provides is the word "flute" next to my name. That means that people have been searching "Ashley Stahl" and "flute" together. And not just a few people. Enough people to make it a google suggestion.

I'm pretty sure I'm the most famous Ashley Stahl in the world.

I've been so tired lately, I think it's affecting my moods. I hate that.

I've been thinking a lot about how I feel like I'm moving all of the time, and how that hurts relationships. I make friends (and find love interests, for that matter) really easily, but I feel that because as soon as I find a person of interest, I have to move away, that deeper level of friendship always eludes me. The people around me all seem to have more meaningful relationships than I do--and it has always been that way. I'm not going to blame it all on relocating, because I know that I definitely play a part in this too, finding it extremely difficult to open up fully to anyone, even those closest to me, but moving around definitely brings me down sometimes. It's virtually impossible for me to have had a boyfriend for a while now--how could such a new relationship withstand the tribulations of long-distance? I have chosen--been resigned to--a certain level of constant loneliness.

I only have a month left here. That makes me sad, very sad.

I usually don't comment on t.v. shows here (do I?), but this episode of the Bachelorette really needs some Ashley commentary. Wes is a big ol' jerk, and I mean that in the worst way possible. How can someone be so...remorseless? He is what's wrong with people in this world. That's harsh, I know. You have to see his actions, not just in this episode, but in all of them. It appalled me.

Also, for the first time in the show's history, the bachelorette Jillian made the choice to NOT sleep with any of the guys in the fantasy suite. I always said that she was my favorite bachelorette because 1) she's a lot like me, full of energy, always laughing, etc. and 2) she's short. I can really identify with this girl. And now that she took this stance on the fantasy suite thing...it makes me like her even more. Way to go, Jillian!

That is all.

I always feel really proud of myself somehow when I have known the two people before they started dating, and then they get engaged and married. Like I somehow contributed. Or watched the relationship grow. Or something.

My cleats smell really bad right now.

Yesterday: my most memorable Independence Day to date! I'm keepin' it classy in Tallahassee: started the day out with some ultimate practice (that didn't kick my butt, for once) and saw some of the old faces. Then brunch, Wulkulla Springs, barbecue in the backyard with homemade hamburgers and an all-American cuisine, chilling at the pool, fireworks at Tom Brown, and a half of a "real scary movie" with my favorite roommies (even Jess.jpg). It was a full day (I'm really feelin' it now, so sore) and I'll have to add it to my list of best days.

Yup. This is my last Tallahassee run in the foreseeable future. It's been really fun, but I gotta go. So goodbye.

Movin' on out.

Goodbye my 4-Track

Here's a bonus Robot Cat for being a good reader

Wow, I'm in an amazingly sour mood today.

It'll be good to not wake up to an alarm today. Seems like it's been forever...

Tallahassee this weekend. The final journey (at least for a while).
:)
and
:(

"ESTJs will stand up for their belief even in the face of overwhelming odds and are not afraid to make the tough calls."

I have only true reoccurring dream, one that I have dreamed over and over and over and over again. And basically it is this:
I'm driving, and the car won't respond to my commands. It'll drive in reverse when I want to drive forward, drive when I want to brake, refuse to turn when I move the steering wheel.

I crash into something almost every time I have the dream. Last time I had it, I drove off of a cliff because I couldn't control the car. It was terrible.

I think that this dream tells me something. I have a fear of losing control of life.

We can't control life. Who are we kidding? Every time we think we have something under control, the rug is pulled out from under us, and we're left dumbfounded once again. So we might as well realize that now and save ourselves a lot of stress. We'll deal with the troubles as they come. No sense in trying to prevent the inevitable.

So a guy that I met at the airport (around my age) told me that he loved me, no joke.

As a friend once put it, I guess I've just got the gift.