Wednesday, August 31, 2005

My teacher
Well, the band results came out, and I can't say I'm happy or unhappy.

I made fourth chair in the second band. On the one hand, I am in the top undergraduate band, I'm playing first part, I beat all the other freshman, and everyone ahead of me is a performance major who is older than me.
On the other hand, I'm Ashley, I'm ambitious, and I really wanted to do better than that. But it's a good start, I suppose. It's my first semester as a freshman, and I placed as well as anyone could expect of me.

The orchestra results haven't come out yet, but since there are high-level perfomance majors not on the band list, I'm assuming that they are going to fill the orchestra spots. But technically, there is still hope.
I hate when I like a guy just because he reminds me of another guy.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

My prediction proved correct: my audition went well.
Yay!

The thing is, I learned for the audition (in total)
1 movement of a classical concerto
12 flute excerpts
4 piccolo excerpts

........and guess what they asked me to play?
(to find the answer, highlight below!)
1/2 movemenbt of a classical concerto
1 flute excerpt (a moderately hard one)
1 piccolo excerpt (the easiest)

And now in celebration, I shall eat some star crunch.

Monday, August 29, 2005

My first day of classes wasn't wonderful. I'm kinda bummed because I had to spend another $200 on books (all for one class I may add) when I spent $350 already. And I'll be spending more tomorrow. Plus I bought a nine dollar hole punch that the cashier dropped and never gave back to me. That one is partially my fault, I suppose. I should be thankful that is wasn't something more expensive. Like one of the books.

I read something about being thankful yesterday, and it helped me realize the infinite opportunities we have of being thankful to one another and to God. Billy Graham writes:
Thankfulness isn't our usual response when something goes wrong. We may have a hundred good things for which to be thankful--but let one bad thing happen, and it's all we think about!
.......
[Matthew Henry] wrote in his diary [when he was mugged], "Let me be thankful first because I was never robbed before; second, although they took my purse, they did not take my life; third, because although they took my all, it was not much; and fourth, because it was I who was robbed, not I who robbed."

I can't wait until I audition and then get the results so I can stop worrying!

God help me.
Colin, my english teacher looks like you will look in about 25 years.
He's got the same body type, facial hair, haircut, and general way of speaking, and he also mumbles a lot like you.
His name is Ian.
Today is my first day of classes. Yay!....I mean, boooo.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

If I have ever had a chance to have a great audition, it is this one (on Tuesday).
I have practiced my brains out in hopes that I might break the chain of upperclassmen and win a spot in orchestra.
I have sacrificed so much to practice: sleep, time with friends, and everything else I wanted to do this summer.

I've signed up for the very first audition time so that the judges may have no prejudice to any playing before me (also so that I don't have to wait a million years because they are running behind. Also so that I can get it over with and not worry longer than I need to. Also because I have a class later.)

I am ready, as ready as I've ever been for an audition.
I'm so excited! This is going to be fun and awesome.
I have the worst sense of direction in the world. I don't know how I'm going to survive.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I think college is pretty much the best thing ever.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

I know judgement stops thought, but does thought stop judgement?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

1 Corinthians is so awesome I can't even describe it.

There are so many issues that I feel dirctly relate to me. For example, I have often felt tension in the world because of the divisions in Christian religion (mostly between Catholicism and Protestantism), and I have always wished that the division wouldn't exist and that we could all live in peace. Paul writes,
"Now I appeal to you , brothers and sisters, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you be in agreement and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same purpose. For it has been reported to me by Chole's people that there are quarrels among you, my brothers and sisters. What I mean is that each of you says, 'I belong to Paul,' or 'I belong to Apollos,' or 'I belong to Cephas,' or 'I belong to Christ.' Has Christ been divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Or were you baptized in the name of Paul?"
1:10-13

Also, I have before felt doubt about my purpose in life. I do not doubt what my purpose is (to make music), but I sometimes doubt the meaning of the purpose. How is this bringing anyone closer to God? How is this useful at all? But in 1 Corinthians, Paul says:
"Indeed, the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot would say, 'Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,' that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear would say, 'Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,' that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole body were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? But as it is, God arranged the members of the body, each one of them as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many members, yet one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I have no need of you,' nor again the head to the feet 'I have no need of you.'"
12:12-21

Here's another example. I sometimes feel that I am missing something in my life. I am generally a successful person in the world. I have everything that I need, and I have faith. But sometimes, I just feel that I am not doing enough. And I discovered when I read this:
"If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all the mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possesions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."
13:1-3

And that's not even the beginning of the message in this book.

I feel so refreshed.

Go read it.
I think our refrigerator is on too cold, because my milk is starting to freeze inside the carton.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

So I'm talking with my roomate and suitemates, and I say,
"We have to get a lot of pizza! Let's have lots of pizza nights!"
And they all look at me like I'm crazy.
Somebody says, "Ash...pizza is bad for you."

?

Tell me this isn't normal.
Even from hundreds of miles away, my mother's voice still manages to depress me. I am very glad that I will not live with the yelling anymore, at least for a while. I hate the yelling. I hate the anger. I hate the temper. I hate the devil.

If mother is like daughter, I will be very sad.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Yay! It is fun here!

Saturday, August 20, 2005

I'm living in Tallahassee, and you can't stop me.

Goodbye, cruel high school world!
Hello [insert adjective here] college world!

My bed is very soft, and that makes me happy.


End of post
Today was a very stressful day, and I'm glad that it's almost over.
Tomorrow will be a good day, I hope.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I'm so excited!
I have all these dreams about college in my head, and I know some of them may just be dreams and nothing more, but the hope is keeping me happy at the moment.

I'm going to find music and guys and a religious organization where the members don't look down upon my religion and friends and knowledge and concerts and freedom and a place that I can keep as untidy as I like and so much more.

I'm not looking back.

I'm ready.





(I think)
I took my flute in for several small last-minute repairs and a general check-up, and I had to leave it at the shop because Charlie was so "slammed" with repairs. Now I'm sad because I wanted to practice all night. Of course, I still can practice all night, but it would either have to be on:
A) My piccolo (which can get to you after a while, both the ringing in the ears and the amount of energy it takes to play)
or
B) My old Gemeinhardt (which depresses me every time I play it)

I feel like this whole summer has been a constant fight to find time to practice. It seems like every time I think I am going to have time to practice, something comes up and the time I thought I would have is taken away.
BUT I trust Charlie's ability to repair instruments, and I know that when I get my flute back, it will be better than I can ever remember. It really did need some repairs pretty badly, and this is a good time to do it.
I know enough not to worry at this point. I will make good use of my time.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

If I never entered the world of the Internet ever again, I think I'd be a happier person.

Time to practice.

Monday, August 15, 2005

NO NO NO!
This was all gone on vacation!
But it's back!
NO!
And at the same time, it's good to be home.
I got four hours of sleep last night, so forgive me if this post doesn't make sense.
Oh yeah, and it's really long so...yeah. It's long.

SAN DIEGO WAS AWESOME!

As soon as I walked outside of the airport, I fell in love with the place. It's just like Florida except BETTER. The weather is nice....really nice. It's hot like Florida except there's no humidity, so you can actually BREATHE. That was the first thing I noticed. "I can breathe!" I said, "And I'm not sweating!" And I stood outside for a while just soaking up the sun without sweating or having to wring out the air. Compared to San Diego, breathing in Florida is like trying to breathe underwater. Oh wait...compared to ANYWHERE, breathing in Florida is like trying to breathe underwater.

I was a little tiny bit mad about this, because I had formerly understood that we lived in the best place in the US. But I guess not. Oh well.

Then I went to the famous San Diego zoo, which was pretty dang awesome. I saw lots of rare animals: pandas, elephants, zebras, big cats, tropical birds, monkeys, koalas, giraffes, the list goes on. I remembered why the cheetah was my favorite animal. It's so beautiful.
The chimps also were interesting. They are built--and move--eerily like humans. I watched them for a while. They were very active, playing with each other. I think I could've watched em all day. And when they sit, they sit hugging their legs, just like many humans I know...including myself. I can see now where the idea for the planet of the apes came from. It bordered on being scary.

The next day, I walked around La Jolla (a fancy schmancy beach area). It was beautiful, really, and again the weather just astounded me. I saw some wild seals, and that was pretty much my climax of the day. That night I saw a political ad on tv against Arnold.

The next day, the flute convention started, and let me tell you something--besides Interlochen, that was the best time of my life. And just like at Interlochen, my only worry was the amount of time I had to practice in a day. And what an isolated worry to have!
Of course, Ms. Clew introduced me to about a million people, most of whom I don't remember, and I had a free lesson from one of her friends.

At any given moment at the flute convention, a number of amazing classes or recitals were happening. I went to so so many amazing recitals. And just like at any flute festival, the quality of the recitals is so high that after a while, you start thinking that amazing players are not too amazing anymore.

Definitely, the highlight of my vacation centered around Mathieu Dufour, principle of the Chicago Symphony. I was introduced to him (not in person, but in thought) by Mr. Krienes a number of years ago. I was playing Prokofiev sonata at Kreines' house, and right after I played, he ran into his cd room to show me a CD of this newly-hired amazing 35-year-old flute player of the Chicago Symphony. The next time I came, Krienes had the movement I was playing recorded onto a tape to take home. The tape was so good that I ended up buying the CD. Thus began my love affair with this truly amazing musician and person.
(As a side note, Porkofiev is my favorite composer, and much of my admiration is due to the extremely high level of musicanship in Dufour, enabling him to play Prokofiev the way it's supposed to be. I didn't care for the piece before I heard him, I really didn't, but now it's my all time favorite.)

Mathieu Dufour is a frenchman, and a cute one at that. My mom seems to think that I like him just because he is another attractive foriegner with an accent. But he is so much more than that.

He played at one of the night concerts, following the great flutists Leone Buyse (who won the principle flute position at Boston TWICE but never got hired. She's a lovely player and person), Fenwick Smith (on staff at NEC, BSO, and has recorded lots of premier solos), and William Bennett (known all around the world...if you're a flute player, you've heard of him). But Dufour played above and beyond all three of these people...and anyone I've ever heard. Including Gareth Davies. (I'm pretty sure that most of you don't have any idea what I'm talking about, but I'm going to keep rambling on nonetheless).

Of course, every run was perfect and every dynamic was tastefully observed and every articulation matched the syle in the most charming manner, but that wasn't even the amazing part. The thing that struck me the most was his musicianship. He is the first flute player I've ever heard who wasn't JUST a flute player; he was also a musician. For as much as I've heard, he alone is worthy of being named with the great string and piano players of our time. Everything...EVERYTHING...was completely and utterly perfect. It was the most beautiful music I've heard in my life. After the concert, I seriously doubted that he was human. I learned the next day, though. All that later.

It was funny, because my mom and I both noticed that he seemed quite shy. He had that look of a shy person and he kept nervously pressing the buttons on his flute during rests. After the concert, he was hiding backstage, and the usher invited us to go and get autographs. I stood in line to meet one of my biggest flute influences/idols and I was so scared. When my turn came to meet him, I said with an almost shaking voice,
"Hi."
And he said (in his awesome french accent) "Hi...and who are you?"
I said "Ashley" and then blurted out "I have your CD!...or, one of them at least...I don't know how many you have..."
He said "The recital one?"
I said "Yeah, the one with Prokofiev...and Hindemith...Can I get my picture with you?"
And of course I got my picture with him, and of course I will cherish it forvever.
And then I said thank you and left.

"I'm not very good at talking to my idols"

The next morning I watched a masterclass by him on orchestral audition repertoire. And I learned that not only was he attractive, french, a true musician, and generally awesome, but he also has that special touch that you very rarely find in people. This is going to be hard to explain, and I doubt that many people have read this far anyway, so it probably doesn't matter how I explain it. As he coached the participants on the specifics, he communicated his intense belief in music. One audience member asked how to play the audition if you want to "get the job" and he turned the question around on her.
I'm not going to do these words justice. He said that you can't go around just pleasing people, trying to "get the job." You can't just play what you think they want. The music has to come from you. If they don't like how you play, maybe you would be better off not having the job at all. Music isn't a matter of right and wrong. Nobody possesses the magical "right" way to play something, and if they think they do, then they're wrong. He stressed the importance of flexibility. He plays these solos in orchestra time and time again, and he has never played them the same. (As another side note, this is exactly the same idea that Pahud expressed in my 100 flute player story book. And Pahud and Dufour have been my two favorite flutists for years now.)
The Chicago symphony is apparently auditioning for the piccolo spot right now, and he said that many players play the exact same thing. To catch the attention of the audition committee, you must play with personality, do something different from the ordinary. Be unique.

I couldn't bring myself to leave the masterclass to get to flute choir rehearsal on time, so I ended up arriving about 5 minutes late, but I really didn't care because Dufour was awesome and inspiring and flute choir was yucky and uninspiring.

Aside from Dufour, the rest of the convention was also fun and very informative. I heard some "very fine" flute players (in the words of Ms. Clew). I even played a contrabass flute!

Also, I've started to get the flute players to sign my 100 flute players book (which Dufour oddly doesn't make an appearance in, but whatever). I got 5 signatures this convention: William Bennett, Renee Siebert, Trevor Wye, Peter-Lukas Graf, and Sheridon Stokes. And I could've gotten so many more! Matthias Ziegler was at the convention, but sadly I never got to hear him play. He's that crazy contemporary contrabass flute player I'm always ranting about. Ms. Clew says he's a genius.
All these people are the people I look up to as my inspiration, and here they all are, eating at the same restaurants as me, attending the same classes as me! Saying at the same hotel as me! As a student, I can't get over the meeting of all my idols in one place. These are the people that play in my orchestral recordings, the people that tour around the world to play concertos and give concerts! It was all overwhelming, but in a good way. What an adventure.

I think I'll stop talking about my trip now.

Now that I'm home, everything that is stupid in my life has come flooding back. My shoulders are tensing up already, I can feel it.

Oh well. Now I have the whole day to practice like the wind. I can make it there someday. I've gotten this far, there's nothing stopping me from going all the way!

Monday, August 08, 2005

Today was my last day of work.

I am going to the NATIONAL FLUTE CONVENTION in SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA until next Monday...and you can't stop me!

After that, I can have one week of the summer I've always dreamed of. Or I can just practice a lot. Which is pretty much the same thing.

Goodbye until we meet again, my fine friends! I know that many of you will be gone for college by the time I get back! Have a good one!

Saturday, August 06, 2005

I don't know why I even bother.
I don't know.

I AM going to meet a guy at FSU. And we are going to like each other EQUALLY. And he is going to be perfect. And he's going to think I'm perfect. And we are going to be happy when we are with each other.
THE END.
Everything is fun and games, but I don't realize how much I don't fit in elsewhere until I come home to Erin, Craig, and Rebecca playing video games.

I heard a recording of the Cimerosa flute duet on 90.7 today. It was with Rampal and some other guy. And as much as I don't want to admit it, I like the Galway's version better.

"Mr. T has feelings too!"

Friday, August 05, 2005

sleep practice rain party

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

In the marching band of life, we hold piccolos.
"Too heavy!" we say, "I cannot bear it!"

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I had another nightmare. I was driving my car, and I stopped at a raised drawbridge. When I thought the bridge was down, I drove forward. But it turns out the bridge wasn't down. The hapless SUV next to me drove to his doom too.
So I fell and fell, knowing that death was mere seconds away. I remember being scared at first, then wondering why I was scared when God's kingdom was so close at hand. I relaxed and then began praying, falling in the air. I remember praying to be forgiven of my sins once and for all and to enter heaven.
As soon I hit the ground (which, incidentally, wasn't water but solid rock), I instantly died, and pictures of lives (not mine but other people's lives) started flashing, fast, like someone was turning the dial on a radio very quickly. I don't remember what was in these flashes, but I do remember lots of color (hey, I dream in color!). Somehow I knew that these flashes were the possibilities for my next life.
And the next thing I knew, I woke up as a young male asian with a wealthy asian family living in Florida. Yes, friends, I was reincarnated.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Wow, I just got a comment on myspace that made me happier than I was when I was happy.

Why is it that practicing suddenly seems much more appealing when I shouldn't be playing (and instead sleeping)?

I've decided that my goal in life is now to play piccolo in a professional orchestra. Just to let you guys know.
Just because there's nothing more fun in the world than playing piccolo. A select few understand this. The rest of you think I'm crazy.

I'm struggling with this decision.

----------------------------------------------------------

I haven't been having very pleasant dreams lately.

In the past 5 days, I've had three nightmares, which are usually rare for me.
The first night, I dreamt that evil spirits were chasing me at an old museum.
The next day I dreamt that the senior class was on the beach and it started raining worms. We all had to flee.
Last night I had a dream that a murderer killed all my family except for my sister (?) and then came in my house and injected me in the back with a needle. I didn't know if the injection was lethal or an anethesa and I woke up before I could find out.

The nights in beteween the nightmares I prayed that I wouldn't have nightmares. And I didn't have them. That can't be coincidence.
Pergolesi, you're a good guy.
Jesus didn't tell the crowd to leave, although He probably wanted to be alone.
We need to learn to embrace people just as He does.