Dry those tears...there are reasons to cry, and this isn't one of them.

Everything happens for a reason.

What am I doing wrong? I don't have time to practice, and I don't have time to sleep. What is going on here?

I need to practice. My time is flying out the window. I'm not even wasting it; I don't know where it goes.

I really just need some rest.

I don't know if I have the right perspective or not; my views do not seem to dominate among my friends, in any case. But this is what I think:

Having a boyfriend is just not that important. I don't need a man; I will never need a man. I could make it on my own if I had to, and I will make it on my own if that is God's wish.

I will always have my good, close friends, and whether I have a boyfriend or not, they will always be there for me. Indeed, having a boyfriend often takes away time to spend with these very friends...

Additionally, having a boyfriend is not going to magically make all of life's problems go away. You WILL have more problems if you have a boyfriend. Girls especially tend to worry waaaay too much about relationships. They overthink things, get caught up in the smallest comments that meant nothing to the guy. If you think you have problems now trying to get a boyfriend, think about the problems you will have trying to keep one. Yeesh..life is just much simpler without a boyfriend (or even just a boy friend) involved.

I'm not knocking relationships, not at all. I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend myself (as long as the guy is twice as awesome as me--and that's not an easy thing to be, let me tell you). I just think that girls tend to place relationships on a pedestal. Boyfriends are just not that important, at least in my opinion.
And if you are a super pretty, super smart, super nice girl (I have three friends in mind who sparked the idea for this post), then I wouldn't sweat it, because love will find you. Trust in life--there's no rush, no need to worry.

One more thing. If you were meant to be together, then you will be.

And tears in the morning
Can bring joy in the evening
Just keep believing
That love finds a way

She's practicing, and she can't be bothered now.

"My hands are full of technology!"
-My cousin while holding a cellphone and digital camera

Staring into the blackness
Eyes wide open
They cannot close

Comfortable and warm

Minutes pass
Hours pass

Still staring
Thinking
Thinking

The infinite sadness that is love
The infinite joy that is love
Defeats
and
Victories

Silence
Rare for day
Rare for night
Common with earplugs
Silence

Still staring into the blackness

That they do not understand
That there is a world inside they do not see
That they know nothing about
Except that it exists

"Are you applying to that religion camp?"
"No."
"Thank you."

I wish that they would understand

The hours still pass
Time seems to pass more quickly at night...

Still staring
Eyes drying from the air blown
Electronically

Family
Love
Generosity
Something missing
They do not understand
Nobody to look up to

Desiring sleep
Sleep please
Please

Still staring
Eyes still refuse to close

Swirling mind
Half in thought
Half in prayer

Is there anything useful to do at 1:30 AM?
Yes
But not right now
So close to sleep
So close

Darkness

Give me the courage
To do what is right
What is neccessary
To end this fight
I need to step up
Nobody else will
Nobody else knows
I know
This is my job alone
I could spread the Word
I need to spread the Word
What an opportunity
But what a responsibility
Give me the courage I need
Give me the strength I need
To serve You
They need to understand
Please
I want them to understand

Funny, I know now why
I could not forgive

Still black

Those darn eyes
Still refuse to shut
Close, eyes!
Stay still, Brain!

Silence
Warm silence

What an enjoyable day it was
So many good things
Good food
Good gifts
Good family gossip

Cousins
Aunts
Uncles
Grandparents

Ah eyes, you've closed!
Maybe four hours will not be so bad
Maybe the lines will move quickly
Maybe we will leave early
There is always hope
But I wish that they would understand...

Merry Christmas!

God is love.

You know, my flute teacher told me that out of all three semesters so far, I have changed the most this one. At first I didn't believe her. Obviously the first semester in college is going to merit a lot of change. Living on your own for the first time, classes that you actually have to study for, going to a school with thousands of people, not knowing anybody, etc. The list goes on. And obviously, I did change a lot in the first year. The change was very clear. I quite obviously matured a great deal.

But this semester was different. The changes are definitely more subtle. They are not on the outside, but on the inside. The result, I think, of growing friendships. People. Lots of conversation. Learning to trust and open up. I have found people who accept me for who I am...but no...I had people who accepted me for who I am before. The friends I have developed this semester don't just accept me for who I am..they love who I am. They embrace me because of who I am. And I thank them for that.

With friends like this, I am learning to trust and to open up...and to love. I am beginning to feel less like a robot and more like a person.

I'm learning the true value of friendship. And balance. I practiced more this semester than ever before, but I didn't force it. My life has become more balanced. More me time, more friend time, and, somehow, more music time simultaneously. And I'm very happy.

To anyone who is still in high school: if you think you have fully developed by your high school graduation time, think again. Take it from me: you still have a ton of changes to make.

I have really, really good friends. I am so lucky to be able to come back and have just as good a time here as at school. A different atmosphere, to be sure, but just as much fun.

Thank you, friends.

I some pretty weird dreams last night. In one of them, Asher dyed his hair blonde, in another one I had a zombie friend named "Bones," in a another one I met Tiger Woods and we were buddies (and then I ran him over with my car--not intentionally), in another one there was a gang fight where almost my whole family died outside of a hospital, in another one a guy I have never even met but is friends with me on facebook was becoming an actor and making a bunch of appearences on TV.

• What?

Just five more teeny hours of menial labor, and then tomorrow night's partay. My Christmas party has never let me down in the past, and it sure isn't going to start this year.

Do you ever want to practice and not want to practice at the same time?

Also, in The Lion King there was a part with a river, and I TOTALLY heard some Moldau quotes in the music. Every once in a while the flute or clarinet would play that run in the beginning. I was the only one laughing at that point.

"I always laugh at the end."

Can anyone give me a recorder lesson?....maybe for free?

The Lion King on broadway in Orlando...
Wow. The quality of music, the voices, would have been enough for me, but coupled with the staging and costumes and innovation and dancing and humor...just wow. I'm not gonna lie, I almost cried at The Circle of Life at the very beginning. It was just so beautiful.

The end.

...what? I got a 100 on my survey exam?...really?...okay then...

Maybe I should take exams at 7:30 AM running on 5 hours of sleep more often...

Wuthering Heights:

"He said the pleasantest manner of spending a hot July day was lying from the morning till evening on a bank of heath in the middle of the moors, with the bees humming dreamily about among the bloom, and the larks singing high up over head, and the blue sky, and the bright sun shining steadily and cloudlessly. That was his most perfect idea of heaven's happiness--mine was rocking in a rustling green tree, with a west wind blowing, and bright, white clouds flitting rapidly above; and not only larks, but throstles, and blackbirds, and linnets, and cuckoos pouring out music on every side, and the moors seen at a distance, broken into cool dusky dells; but close by great swells of long grass undulating in waves to the breeze; and woods and sounding water, and the whole world awake with joy. He wanted to lie in an ecstacy of peace; I wanted all to sparkle, and dance in a glorious jubilee."
"I said his heaven would only be half alive, and he said mine would be drunk; I said I should fall asleep in his, and he said he could not breathe in mine..."

I'm home!!

On my lovely 5-hour drive home, I got to think about many things. One of the things I thought about the most was music (duh). I tried to gather together a mental list of the most beautiful pieces I can think of...ya know, pieces that just reach right down in the soul from the very first note. Here's what I gathered:

1) Borodin In the Steppes of Central Asia
2) Kalinnikov Symphony no. 1 mvt. 2
3) Dvorak Symphony no. 9 mvt. 2
4) Hovhaness Symphony no. 2 ("Mysterious Mountain") mvt 1
5) Vaughn Williams--I KNOW that there's something he wrote that should be on this list. I just don't know what it is yet.
6) Shumann "When Jesus Wept" from New England Triptych
7) Pretty much anything that Brahms wrote

I'm sure there are more out there, but these were the ones that stuck with me. This music...just wow. Go listen to some of that.

It is 7:00 AM, and I owned my meterology exam. 95%, yo.

I wonder how well I would do if I just didn't study for my last exam (survey). I did that for my final world music cultures exam. I was so burnt out that I just didn't study. I got a 78 on the exam and an A in the class.

Ironically, I figured out that I need a 78 on my last exam to get an A in the class.

Uuuuuuhhhh, guess I should go study. But I'd really like to practice one of these days. I've been such a slacker on flute lately! Such a slacker!

I spent $245 on accompanists this semester.

"Sounds like a barrel of laughs..."
-Paul

Woo! What a day. I really pushed myself today, and I think that it will pay off. It had BETTER pay off, Mr. Meterology exam, or heads will roll.

Three exams down, one to go.

I noticed today that everyone in our quintet is short... kind of a strange coincidence.

Kay, only two more days.
Don't do anything stupid...

Congratulations to Ian Schwindt
2006-07 THS Teacher of the Year

Woo hoo! Go Schwindt!

For some reason, I've had a case of homesickness for a while. I never got homesick last year, and never this year until now.

I just miss home. I miss my friends and family. I want to see everyone again. I want to clean my slate, as it were. Recharge. Only a little bit longer and I can do it. But for now, I have four exams still to come. Three of them less than 24 hours from now. Booo....

I don't care if mid-latitude cyclones are converging or diverging at the surface. I don't care if they are systems of high or low pressure. I really couldn't care less whether they turn clockwise or counterclockwise.

I don't think this knowledge will ever serve any purpose in my life.

You can't imagine how many times I've had this conversation:

Person: You're a music major at Florida State, huh? Are you in the Marching Chiefs?
Me: No...I don't really like marching band that much.
Person: Oh...I knew so-and-so who was in the Chiefs. So are you in a regular band, then?
Me: No..
Person: Well what do you do?
Me: I'm in the orchestra
Person: [enlightened] Ohh
Me: Yeah.

Two hours of study, one hour wasting time. Not too bad for a subject that I dislike with the most extreme amount of dislike that I can conjure up. Tomorrow is another day, and if I need to skip survey study session, then I will.

That cake better not end up in front of me..

Happy birthday, Jacqui!

Wow, "O Fortuna" started blasting out of my computer the exact same time my phone rang. What a jolt that was!

Make me study meterology, please.

In this case, practice is procrastination.

Poulenc party!!

GNARLY

Last night...what was I thinking? Oh well, it was a good time.

I am really ready for this break. I'm really loving life here, but every time you spend too much time somewhere, stuff starts happening. And...yeah. Yeah.

It's the last day of school, and a good day tis!! Tonight will be splendid as well. There's no way I'm going to have a bad time.

My theory teacher SO brought fudge, brownies, and carbonated mixed fruit drinks into class today. Needless to say, I was pretty high for a while there. The good mood never really wore off, with the help of a little Rodrigo!

Thank you Joaquin Rodrigo!!

I am so thankful that I feel like my healthy self again. It's not something that I should take lightly. I will try my best not to lose this spirit of thanks.

And with that, I am once again FULL SPEED AHEAD!! Time to really start living!

This is me thinking out loud...or through type....or something. Probably not a good forum for Ashley's thoughts, but whatev...

Okay, Ashley, so you haven't practiced hardly at all for about a week. Why haven't you been practicing? It's because you have been sick. Why do you feel bad about not practicing? It's because you feel that you have been wasting time. Well, what have you been doing besides practicing? Sleeping. You have been sleeping and resting. When you are sick, sleeping is not wasting time. You needed to get better. If did not choose to sleep, you might still be sick. And you wouldn't want to still be sick, do you? No, this was a pretty painful, drawn-out sickness. You almost cried a couple of times. And we all know that Ashley doesn't cry. Sleep was the right choice.

Okay, so we have established that you haven't practiced, and it's okay. It's not the end of the world; it was neccessary. God is taking care of you. No need to worry. You know you should not worry...why are you worrying? Because you found out this week that you have an even more slim chance of going on tour than you had thought; because your piccolo needs to be repaired; because your headjoint need to be fitted; because you won't have either of them for some time during winter break. Because you'll be working and socializing during break instead of practicing. Because auditions to summer festivals are looming. Because you don't even know which summer festivals to apply to. Because you haven't practiced your excerpts for months now, and you haven't even acquired the Canzone yet. Because you KNOW that the piccolo excerpt is going to be Tchaik 4, and that excerpt is the bane of your existance. But it's all okay. Trust. Have faith. You are in good hands. Everything that happens, everything that is happening, it is supposed to happen. There is a reason for everything.

Sleep was a good choice. Keep making good choices, and you'll be okay. There is nothing to worry about. You are healthy, for pete's sake, what more could you ask for??

All these "problems," Ashley, they are of the world, and you are not of the world. Being the best is not a good goal, get that out of your mind; making music is a better goal, but it still doesn't cut it. Pleasing God--now there's a goal you can reach for with pride. Don't lose sight of your goal.

Eyes on the Lord, always.

I don't get enough hugs around here. That's one thing about home that I like better. People give great hugs.

I feel good!
I feel good!
I FEEL GOOD!!!

Please, let it be gone. Please, don't let this be another false alarm. Please.

I didn't go to Thagard (the clinic) today, and I'll tell you why. It's because my symptoms are so stupid. I would have gone in, they'd ask me what was wrong, and I would say that I am very tired and that my body aches. They'd ask me all about my sexual history, and then tell me that I am stressed and send me away. That sound about right?

If I take it easy, I can beat this.....right?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

My body's got the blues. I'm really fighting it, but it's seeping into my mind too. This virus won't leave me. It seems to be stronger than I am, and that really scares me.

It's Ninja Day!!! (that is TOTALLY me)











Read all about it

to turn, turn will be our delight
til by turning, turning, we come 'round right

Interesting frame of mind. I would describe it if I could. Mostly, I am tired. Very, very tired.

A normal conversation of the apartment:
Me: How do sheep hurt people?
Craig: They explode. Haven't you ever seen a sheep explode?
Me: No. Have you?
Craig: I just did.

(If you understand what we are talking about, then you are probably a dork.)



My theory homework today is really hard.

This past week has been a very trying week. I was been sick and had my period at the same time. Things haven't exactly been easy. I played a mock jury when I could hardly breathe. I've had to walk home in the pouring rain. I've had hour-long rehearsals with my pianist when I should be at home in bed. Pain from cramps wouldn't let me sleep. Sometimes I felt like it was never going to end. It's really hard to see the good through all that pain. But it did end--I think I am better now. And it has made me a stronger person. So remember that whatever you're going through, it'll get better. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise. Don't forget that.

Everything happens for a reason.

Make me decide.

I am very tired.
Should make for an interesting weekend.