I have only God.

Traveling the shores and walking on the sand,
Where I will be is where my heart lies

CHAINSAW INSIDE ME

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(Half of the people reading this wouldn't understand. The other half understand only too well.)

LOOKIT I'M ON BLACKBOARD

You gotta keep refreshing till my face is the face you see.

If I was a cookie, I'd be Famous Amos. (Even though those aren't that good. They're still famous.)

Oh, and Re: Sept. 24, 2008. That's when the process started.

I'm done!!!!!
No more auditions for the rest of the semester!

My last audition at LSU was a success, to say the least. I played for the flute professor and the band director. After my audition, I had a talk with the flute professor, and since I was the last audition, she was able to tell me that I was admitted, and that I was first on her list for a scholarship!!! I was number one!

(Unless you guys have been rejected as much as I have, and I doubt any of you have because I have been through a heckuvalot of rejection, you don't understand how satisfying this news is. I am so happy to finally hear that someone appreciates what I have done, so happy. I was beginning to lose hope, really..)

ANYWAY, she has two student graduating who hold full tuition waivers, and she is going to fight to be able to keep one of those. And it would go to me! In addition, she has created a scholarship in her own name for masters students, and that would go to me too! AND I WOULD GET PAID TO PLAY IN BAND. So, it would be amazingly affordable, way more than free.

I am so incredibly lucky to have all of this opportunity, and unless I get a similar deal at another school, it's going to be a very hard to turn down.

Baton Rouge, anyone?

Still, I am waiting to hear from my other schools. LSU would be offering me a lot of money, but it still wouldn't be offering me an assistantship. One of my goals in my masters degree is to get a lot of teaching experience, and even though I'll be able to teach wherever I go, nothing compares with having college teaching on your resume.

ALSO, I know I am going to have a great teacher wherever I go, but there is a big difference in the quality of the schools of music. When I was warming up for my audition, I played the piano in the practice room, and it honestly sounded like it was from a different planet, like it hadn't been tuned in like 4 years. It's a bad sign...

(No doubt ASU was my favorite school. Something about that place...)

Anyway, right now I get to sit back, take it easy, go to movies, hang out with friends, play some ultimate, go to RUF, do all of those things that I was unable to do because I was traveling every weekend. And one of these days, I'll be hearing from the other schools, and hopefully I'll have a decision to make in the end.

Note to self: don't listen to Mr. Mistoffelees unless you want to hear that line in your head for the next two weeks. You know which one I'm talking about...

The "other comments" section on my Brevard application:

What I wrote (which, by the way, was sassy enough for any application):
I have applied to Brevard for the past four years, and I have been at the top of the waiting list every single year. I hope that the admissions committee can see by now the growth I have made as an artist as well as the dogged determination I have to attend the festival. I should hope that after four years of waiting on the waiting list that my wait has finally ended.

What I actually meant
I have applied to Brevard for the past four years, and I have been at the top of the waiting list every year. Can you even imagine how frustrating that is for me? CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? No, probably not, because you are the people who made it happen. Well let me tell you, it makes me want to kill somebody. KILL A PERSON.
So for the love of God, people, please admit me this year. I'm not asking much. I won't ask for money or high placement or anything...I just want to be admitted. A simple yes will suffice. It's not that hard, yes. It's a one-syllable word. Just say it. For the love of all that is good in this world, please say yes. I really don't want to kill somebody.
(Oh and by the way, if you don't admit me, I will punch you all. IN THE GRILL.)

Shostakovich 9 was AWESOME. This was my favorite concert.

AND it was the first time I have ever been recognized at the end for a solo. No joke.

Text message from Josh Anderson:
J: Ctrl+Alt+Delete
A: ?
J: Oh, you know.

Even from hundreds of miles away, this guy never ceases to amuse me.

You guys would not believe how lazy I have been this week. I mean really, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

My body has had it. That's why. But still. The mind makes the decisions, the body has to follow. Bad things can happen if you let you body make decisions and let the mind follow.

I really like looking at my profile picture album on facebook. I've changed my picture enough now and I can see that there are many facets to my personality, and the contrasting pictures show that. Some aren't even pictures of me at all, but that's part of my personality too. The many faces of Ashley.

If I won the lottery, I would move out of the Savannahs and write them a long letter of grievances, and I would buy a nice house for my roommates and me far away from Dewey Street (maybe somewhere overlooking a lake, or with a great view of the sunset...or both) and I would buy us all parking spots really close to the school of music so we wouldn't have to walk far to get back to our cars when the school is retarded and closes all of the parking lots for a week.

Oh, and we wouldn't even have to go to school to practice, because our house would have an extra practice room for each of us with soundproof panels and yamaha pianos in them, and we could practice at home without disturbing each other even. AND we'd have our own state-of the art recording studio, and a full time staff pianist. Well, okay, maybe not the pianist.

I'd pay off my parent's debts and my brother's loans, and I would be able to fly instead of drive home because I could have a car at home, too. OH and I would totally have a pool put in our backyard, with a hot tub, and in the summer the Titusville gang could all come and chill out after Sunday ultimate.

I would not buy a new flute because my flute is THE BEST. I would get a new piccolo. And a baroque flute and an alto flute, and maybe even a bass, just for the heck of it. I would totally buy Wise and Otherwise, the entire Sigur Ros discography, and I would finally buy Mere Christianity.

Life might not be better than it is now. But it's fun to daydream.

Let me tell you guys something: I am not defined by my music.

There's no correct answer.

I'm back from Austin and things are crazy. There are four or five days between each audition, but really it only feels like a couple of hours. I feel like I get back, have just enough time to pack again for my next trip, and I have to be at the airport in a few hours.

Do you guys realize that I have been on 16 flights in the past four weeks? Six to Atlanta, four to Jacksonville, and one each to Phoenix, Austin, Chicago, Houston, St. Louis, and Dallas. Blimey, no wonder I feel like a zombie.

Austin was really, really great. Before I came, I asked people about how they liked Austin, and the answers surprised me. Nobody dislikes Austin, and nobody just passively likes it. Everybody LOVES it, everybody who has been there. And now I see why. It's a hippie city. It's cool. It likes art and music (actually getting the nickname the "live music capital" of the US). It has places called "the groovy lube" and "psychadellic pharmacy." There are mountains and lakes, desert and breathable air. I can see...it's a really great and very special place, unlike any other city I have been to in my wide travels.

My audition was good, all except for Firebird which was the very last thing I played, so whatev. I really hope I get into UT. It's pretty amazing.

It looks right now like I'll either be living in Phoenix or Austin next year, and that is just fine with me.

One more audition left, I'm on the home stretch and can see the finish line, and then I am seriously going to sleep for an entire week. Anyone want to go to Melting Pot or Mori with me to celebrate? But I'm getting ahead of myself: eye on the prize, USO and LSU this weekend.

I can name five or six guys off of the top of my head who, if they ever went insane and went on a crazy killing spree, would definitely kill me first.

I am sick, and tomorrow I leave for UT Austin, an audition that I have been anticipating for some years now. I can play through a cold (more than I can play through a cold sore, to be sure), but it's probably not going to be a very pleasant weekend. Anyway, here to health and hoping I get it back soon.

Tonight there were six--count them, six--police cars in the parking lot of my apartment complex. I later found out why they were there--the guy hired to paint the buildings attacked a girl from the apartment RIGHT NEXT to mine.

When I say that anywhere I go for grad school will be an upgrade, it's not just because I'm simply annoyed with Tallahassee.

I really need to get out of here.

Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Genealogy software - Family web sites

I took this picture at Rice University. Do you notice anything odd about these three bikes?



(I'll give you a hint: notice how they're notoriously NOT STOLEN.)

I'm back from Houston and I am pretty exhausted. The auditions went well, all three of them. I didn't get nervous even a little bit for any, so it was a real step forward in the whole process of performing. I'm not used to having good auditions, it's such a wonderful thing to walk out of the room and be able to say, yes, I did show them how I can play. And to do it without drugs...

I got 11 event invitations on facebook in one day, and uhhh, I am going to get some well-deserved rest now. Good night.

P.S. I don't know how the heck anyone can ever find a practice room at Rice. They have like 30 total. I know the SOM is a lot smaller, but still, man...

I discovered tonight that I'm actually not normal.

HEY! let's talk about different things

I actually told someone tonight to please stop talking. it was glorious.

INVALID DOMAIN PLEASE DISABLE YOUR COOKIES

I'm off to Houston tomorrow to have many an audition. Wish me luck.

One of these days, I'll get what I've got coming.

I had a recording session today, playing some pieces for competitions including Copland's flute sonata.

I am listening to the recordings right now, and it's strange...this is the first time I have been moved by listening to a recording of myself. It's so strange, so very strange. Maybe it's Copland, but I have a feeling it's more than that.

I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but I have come a very, very long way in the past four years (in terms of playing). For a while there I thought I was stuck, that I was not going to get any better, or was not getting any better. But I was wrong. The changes that we make at this point are so subtle, yet they are the most important. It's the difference between merely playing a piece well and being able to move people with the music. And if I can be moved by my own performance, then by golly, I must have come to that point.

What a wonderful realization.

It would appear that ASU is no longer an option for me:
http://www.asu.edu/budgetcuts/asu_program_closures_20090210.html

I feel like one of those people who sit at the bar and look forlorn.

The sum is most certainly the same.

EDIT: FALSE ALARM! I just got an email back from the flute teacher at ASU. The masters programs that are being cut from music are old degree programs--nobody is in them right now. So no need to worry. Whew. That had me very scared and angry for a while there.

Oh, and P.S. I just realized I don't have class tomorrow. Wee!

Stronger and stronger, it's growing.

I've been feeling very close to God lately. It's a wonderful feeling. And I feel that He's answering my prayers about various things, so that's also a good feeling. My cold sore notwithstanding, I am pretty pumped about life right now. I'll regret leaving by the end.

For some reason, I have been having the urge lately to yell out random french phrases, like "allons-y!" "zut alors!" "allez viens!" or "d'accord!"

I mean, YELL them.

I done went and joined the Tallahassee Ultimate league. It's new, just started up this year. And now I'm on a team, a real honest-to-God team.

It's too bad that I will be in Houston, and then Austin, and then Baton Rouge for the next three games. But I couldn't resist joining. I just love ultimate so much.

I like pianists.
(In general.)

Well, I'm back. It's 11:30 PM and I have been traveling since 9:30 in the morning. Fourteen hours of traveling. So tired...

If truth be told, I'm not that pleased to be back in Tally. I have decided that anywhere I decide to go for grad school will be an upgrade to this city. Every time I come back into Tallahassee, it's like an immediate shadow washes over me. It's like, really...do I have to come back here again? Really? And then I sigh and count how many days it is until I can live somewhere else. If you lived here, you'd know what I'm talking about.

Today, in the fifteen minutes of driving in Tallahassee after getting off of the highway, I got cut off twice, a homeless dude knocked on my window asking for money while I was waiting at a light, a police car was on my street arresting what appeared to be another homeless dude, and dozens of stupid drunk kids tried to kill themselves by crossing the street in front of my moving car. I mean, really, I don't know how much worse of a place Tallahassee can get. Maybe if it was really cold all the time...

Don't get me wrong, FSU is a wonderful school, especially the College of Music, and I have a lot of really great friends and teachers here--don't for a second think that I feel the same way about you guys as I do about the city, no way--but it's not going to be enough to make me regret having to leave this place. Four years is long enough. Get me out of here.

I'm here in Evanston posting from the public hotel computer...eww, there are probably germs all over these keys...and the hotel is playing Rampal's recording of Bolling's second suite for flute and jazz trio over the speakers as background music. For some reason, that really amuses me...

Well, it's actully not that cold here. My first thought when stepping out of the airport wasn't "wow it's cold out" but instead it was "why is everything so wet?" Apparently when it is warmer, the snow melts and gets everything all wet. Imagine that...even so, it was like 40 or 45 degrees when I got in. That's about as cold as Tallahassee gets, right? I walked into a Subway that night, and the guy working there was like, "Nice weather, huh?" And I've been hearing people talk about how nice the weather has been all weekend. It's riduculous. This is the WORST weather you can get in Florida. Crazy.

I'm just going to come out and say it. My audition was bad. I've had a special visit cold sore friend, of course right where my flute lies on the lip. Every time I play, it is actually painful. And I get puss all over my lip plate, and I literally have to peel my flute off when I stop playing. I mean, I can still play, but it really affects a lot of things. It's like I have a busted lip, or have started to play with braces again, or something.

So yeah...if there are any full scholarships to be had here, I'm pretty sure they're not going to me. I told the flute professor what happened, and you can't do much about it really, but I still don't think he was really impressed with my audition at all. I mean, I was physically incapable of playing well today.

Other than that, it's been a pretty nice weekend so far. Northwestern has this very northern feel about it, just as Arizona had a very western "desert" feel about it. (I bet LSU has a southern feel). There were patches of snow all over the place, and I really didn't want to embarass myself by taking too many pictures, because only stupid tourists do that. Anyway, I guess I should let someone else use the computer, so bye for now...

There's been a surge of notes on facebook lately. Is it that time of the year when everyone needs to procrastinate? It's like the Tuesday of the semester. Nobody likes Tuesday.

Tuesday: Heeeeeeeey

Audition no. 2 this weekend: Northwestern at Chicago (actually Evanston, but Chicago sounds so much cooler).

I don't know what to expect except that it will be cold.

You know, there are a lot of love songs out there, and I really like a lot of them, but I would have to say that out of all of them, this one is my favorite.

"To Love Somebody" by the Bee Gees.

You don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you

UUUUGGHH UHUGU
IGH
UGHUUGHGH
YOUR DUMB AND I DONT' LIKE U

Coach: "I wrote 'Touchdown Machine' for you in the gradebook.'"
lol

Dave Glerum got fired from NPR. The economy won't let him keep his job. I simply cannot believe it.
He was the music announcer/anchor for WMFE Orlando on weekdays between the hours of 9 AM and 3:00 PM. I am so upset about this, you guys don't even know. I work at the Health Department every weekday over the summer from 9-2:30, and I listen to NPR the entire time I am there.
Dave was my best friend at work. I feel like I knew him. I remember one year when he played all of his mother's favorite pieces in an hour, in honor of mother's day. The next year around that time, he was gone for about a week, and we found out that it was because it was his mother had died. And after that, he played Brahms' German Requiem. And he has been playing

We went through so many fund drives together. We counted down the 100 favorite classical pieces together. I even voted for that. He was essentially the voice of the summer for me. And now he's going to be gone. What is NPR going to do now? Who will choose the music, who will talk about the relationship between Clara Schumann and Brahms, or about the premier of the Rite of Spring, or about why Mozart is so popular? Who will tell me how to pronounce Jean-Yves Thibaudet, or Essa-Pekka Salonen, or Bedřich Smetana? Who?

I'm so sorry, Dave. This is one listener who will really miss you.

Sigh...I can't do my social experiment. My bike frame has been stolen (before I asked people to steal it). :(

--------------------------------------------------

A few days ago, my camera broke. It was doing this strange thing with an "access" error message, the lens pulling in and out with strange whirring sounds, and finally a message to turn the camera off and back on again, which if I did, would cause the whole process to start over again.

I tried charging the battery, and then thought about replacing the battery, but I wanted to make sure that the battery was the problem before I bought it. So I looked online for some troubleshooting and found myself on this page:

http://www.fixya.com/support/t194522-access_probelm_dsc_w50_camera

which recommended a few good whacks to the camera to get it going.

Dubious, I hit my camera in my hand a few times. No dice, I was still having the same problem. So I tried hitting it on my desk--hard. And lo and behold, the problem was fixed. My camera is good as new again.

Moral of the story: never underestimate the power of hitting electronics until they work again.

-------------------------------------------------

Haha, I just noticed that I forgot to write the word "day" in my last post. Talk about absentmindedness...

This is the first year I have ever watched the Super Bowl, and I really enjoyed it. (I rooted for Arizona because I might live there next year.) It came down to the last 30 seconds. So exciting.

HEY YOU
YEAH, YOU

Today is my laziest of 2009 to date, and I don't doubt that it will stay that way till the end.

My piccolo is broken, and I have a concert tonight.

Oh, and I won second in the FFA competition again. Yay?

Life is so crazy, and then it's so not crazy.

Acht stuecke. I'm back. I had an adventure-filled day in Arizona. In as few words as I can manage:

-I was interviewed to appear on the Phoenix local news
-I witnessed a fight over an attempted bike robbery
-I bought an ipod for five bucks...wait, no, it's just an ipod case. oops.
-I saw some mad improvisation outside of the art museum
-Some of the girls in the ASU flute studio invited me out to eat after the recital. They are SO nice!!
-I slept the entire day yesterday

Oh, and for once in my life, I did sit next to a guy around my age on one of the long flights. I don't know if I would call him cute per se (he was married anyway), but we did have a lot of fun playing the Delta trivia game together for three hours.

I'm starting to realize that our generation has so many inside jokes, it's unbelievable.

HOME
SLEEP PLEASE

I don't know why I thought a flight from 3 AM to 8:30 AM would be a good idea.

Hey guys. I'm posting from the music library at ASU. I managed to find a computer that was logged in already. I have a lot to tell but not much time. Phoenix--this place is AWESOME. I could definitely see myself living here. The music school is freakin' amazing. I will post pics when I get back. The architechture is what makes it.

The weather is very nice--like I said about Cali, it's like Florida, except you are actually able to BREATHE. Someone here said "it's like you're in an oven instead of in a sauna." Much better...

My audition was pretty good. I think Dr. Buck liked it. I got the feeling that I might be in consideration for a scholarship, depending on other peoples auditions, of course.

All in all, I really like it here. Right now, it's my first choice.

Tomorrow is my first grad school audition, Arizona State University in Phoenix. I'm pretty excited. I've never been to Arizona before. It's supposed to be a lot warmer than it is here (they aren't the Sun Devils for nothing). I'm a little nervous about traveling alone, only because I'm cutting it a little close time-wise (I wanted to go to my class today) and I've never used the Jacksonville Airport before. But I've traveled alone many times in the past, so I'm sure I'll be allright. Maybe this time I'll get a seat next to a cute guy. Sigh. It never happens that way.

I'm gonna knock em' dead 'cause I'm not sick. I've got a good feeling about this one...

1) I've become a t.v. addict
2) I had a really great lesson today. REALLY GREAT.
3) I went to court today. It was scary. I set up my hearing date. That is all.
4) Phoenix in two days!
5) My red coat is cooler than all other coats combined.
6) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

P.S. This is my impression of me at ultimate class:
"HELLO MY NAME IS ASHLEY AND I SAY THINGS VERY LOUDLY AND OBNOXIOUSLY AND I WILL NOT STOP SAYING THINGS LOUDLY AND OBNOXIOUSLY AND I CANNOT STOP TALKING FRISBEE FRISBEE FRISBEE OH MAN I AM SO COOL."

Wellp, today's the day when racism ends, all nations will love America, everybody have a job and free health care, gas prices will be back to under a dollar, and poverty ends completely! And all because Obama will sprinkle his magic Obama dust on the nation!

Yesterday I played Mall Madness
but in real life!

Okay, okay, I'll admit it...I like spending money. I'm a girl. So sue me.

Anyway, I now have some new clothes for my auditions, and that was the point. Hooray!

(Phoenix in four days!)

I finished my fifth Charles Dickens novel yesterday, The Tale of Two Cities. Man that man was a genius. So far I would rank them in this order:

1) David Copperfield-I don't think I will ever read a novel as perfect as this...just wow. It blows my mind.
2) Great Expectations-The first one I read, just fabulous
3) A Tale of Two Cities-Very good (he sure is British!), but I guessed what was going to happen halfway through. He should have hidden this plot a little more...
4) Oliver Twist-simply a lesser version of Copperfield
5) A Christmas Carol-it's still a wonderful story, just not quite a genius as the others. Or maybe it's because I knew what was going to happen the whole time. Eh.

I love Charles Dickens!!

BT dub...
I came back from break to find that my bike seat had been stolen. I think it lasted so long because there was a note on it that said "I forgive you." Someone had the nerve to steal it anyway...the people in this world...



The bike is beyond help now, so instead of replacing the missing items, I am going to do a little social experiment. I plan to unlock the frame and attach a note to the remnants that says "steal me!" and see how long it lasts. It will probably be gone by the first night.

Don't worry, I'll let you know when I do it, and we'll count the days together.

In the ocean,
I may transform
into a whale

Outside,
I power electricity
in the skies

But someone is always watching
And that means I can never go home

You know, it would make things a whole lot easier if there was an airport in Tallahassee that I could actually USE.

I really miss Titusville a whole lot.

I had to put my metronome down today. It was sad. It has served me well all of these years, traveling with me to Las Vegas, Cincinnati, New York, Kansas, Boston, and so many other places...it was there with me during the hurricanes, always clicking away, the one thing I knew I could depend on. But it had fallen onto the floor too many times (curse you, wire stands!). It was old, and it was ready to go. It's not in pain anymore.

Crimson and Clover
Over and Over

I have paid ALL my rent and utilities bills BEFORE they were due. And today suddenly out of the blue my apartment complex tapes this INSANE note to my door telling me that I owe them $600 (and not explaining why) and if I don't pay it in three days I will be evicted! ACHT STUECKE!! THIS APARTMENT COMPLEX HAS THE ABSOLUTE WORST MANAGEMENT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

------------------------------------------------

The strangest thing just happened to me.

I called a hotel to book a room for one of my auditions. The guy picked up the phone:

"Hello, Twin Palm Hotel, how may I help you?"
"Hi, I'd like to book a room."
The line goes dead.

HE HUNG UP ON ME!!

Something strange probably happened, I thought. So I called again...

"Hello, Twin Palm Hotel, how may I help you?"
"Hi, I just called, I think something happened..."
The line goes dead.

HE HUNG UP ON ME....AGAIN!!!

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE???

------------------------------------------

This is the best day of 2009 so far.
(I hope it won't end up being the best day of 2009.)

RAINBOW BODY!!!
This was one of the first classical CDs I had when I was in high school. I bought it with my allowance money--it appealed to me because Appalachian Spring was on it and the CD cover was a rainbow.
Turns out, I fell in love with both the Atlanta Symphony and the other tracks on the CD--Rainbow Body and Blue Cathedral (I didn't exactly fall in love with the Barber Symphony...you can't win em' all). And now...and now...I get to play one!

I remember one of the first times I listened to Rainbow Body was on the way home from one of my high school flute lessons. I had to travel a good 40 minutes each way to my lessons every week (it was worth it). And on the way back...there was this stunning sunset, just stunning, I can't even describe it, and I got to look at it the entire 40 minutes home...and it made such a good backdrop to the music. It was truly a moving experience. Traveling out on the open road, a great expanse of pink and orange sky, almost like a rainbow BODY, and the music...the music...the music...

V: "What is a beaver?"
D: "It's an animal."
A: "You know...big rodents that build dams?"
D: "You know the Hoover Dam?....they built that."

Takk... (thank you)
is so personal, so intimate. I have to listen to it with my door shut. There can't be any other noise....it will adulterate the experience. The music is transportive, emotional, sings of other worlds where life is not the same as it is here. Or of dreams coming true, for once in your life. Dreams do come true, just not most of the time. That's why they are what they are.

(The best time of my life was long ago, and I have been searching for that again ever since. It's coming...soon. I've counted to 100. Ready or not...)

Give my favorite track a try.
(I don't know what's going on in this video. Don't watch it. Just listen.)

Delta, stop being a tool.

My first audition is in 18 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT

Innsbruck, ich muss dich lassen

Innsbruck, ich muss dich lassen,
ich fahr dahin mein Strassen,
in fremde Land dahin.
Mein Freud is mir genommen,
die ich nit weiss bekommen
wo ich im Elend bin.

Gross Leid muss ich jetzt tragen,
das ich allein tu klagen
dem liebsten Buhlen mein.
Ach Lieb, nun lass mich Armen
im Herzen dein erbarmen,
dass ich muss dannen sein.

Mein Trost ob allen Weiben,
dein tu ich ewig bleiben,
stet treu, der Ehren fromm.
Nun muss dich Gott bewahren,
in aller Tugend sparen,
bis dass ich wiederkomm.
----------------------------------
Innsbruck, I must leave you,
To go along my pathway
to strange and distant lands
My joy from me has faded
I don't know how to find it
I am in sorrow's hands

I am burdened with great sorrow
which I can remedy only
through the one dearest to me.
O my love, leave me not bereft
of compassion in your heart
that I must part from you.

My consolation above all other women,
I remain yours forever,
always faithful, in true honor.
And now, may God protect you,
safe in virtue,
till I return.

Here is a hypothetical couple. This couple has been going out for a very long time, for a very many years, and even though they claim that they love each other, I can see through their actions, see that they are not really the best match. The girl can do much better, but she doesn't know that. She has been with the guy for so long that she would not even consider breaking up anymore. And even though she is not engaged, not formally stuck with this particular guy, I know she wouldn't break up with him. No matter how unhappy she is, she will fight through the flaws. It's not even for affection's sake--it's the length of time she has endured him. She wouldn't want to give it all up...it would be like, living all those years for nothing. It's almost a habit now, something she has been brainwashed by time to believe that she cannot change. This is the only love she has ever had. She doesn't know that there's something better out there, someone meant for her, someone who she won't just endure but someone she will adore.


Maybe she loved him once. I believe it. And she probably does feel that love still, in its own deteriorating way. And maybe he does love her--and show it--from time to time. But he brings a great deal more unhappiness than happiness. It isn't supposed to be this way. She is supposed to cling to the things that make her happy, and she has to realize that when things no longer can accomplish this, then change must occur.

It's scary to change something that has been such a part of your life for so long. I understand that. It takes a great deal of courage to make a decision like that. If she left him, her whole world would fall apart. She would be lost. Her entire future, crushed...

But she has to ask herself, she can't ignore--why is she so much happier when he's not around to haunt her, call her a failure?

This isn't working anymore. They are not soul mates!! And before they get engaged...tell her that she needs to leave. Please tell her that she doesn't need to be stuck in this dead-end relationship that may or may not revive its old vigor someday. Let her know that she can make it without him, that he's only a man and there are so many men in this world. Convince her that she is happiest when she is just a normal person, not a musician, and that is who she is meant to be for life.

Goodbye to one more dream.
...
Sometimes life sucks a lot.

That makes 3.

Engagements, that is.

Ready or not, here I come!

I made it to 8:15 AM this year, and I could have gone much much later! But alas, there comes a point when you start to feel like you have overstayed your welcome.

"It's New Year's Day, and I can stay up as late as I darn well want, thank you very much!"

It's sad, but New Years is the holiday which makes me think the most. On New Year's eve, I become sentimental, contemplative, thinking about what I have done in the last year and how much I have grown. I think about what I should change, and it becomes a resolution. Two years ago it was to keep in touch with people better. This past year it was to just let go and have some fun. I accomplished both of them. What should it be this year? I'll figure it out eventually.

I also look forward to this party all year. I've been going to the same New Years party for...let's see...six years. This'll be the seventh. And it's just as good every year! Every year!

So, in conclusion...goodbye 2008. You were a good friend to me in so many ways. I don't doubt that I will have both better and worse years to come.

Hello 2009. Tell me about yourself...

2008, let's see...

Janurary
OPO principle flute audition, not too successful. Missing friends a lot. A heck of a lot of practice, spent a lot of time with Ibert. My first wind orchestra experience. A breakup that I could not believe, and the aftermath.

February
Second place in two flute competitions. Again, a lot of practicing. Living with my brother and having fun at home. Writing a speech about the Yankees and writing to my government representative for the first time.

March
Got the plague, missed an entire week of my life, missed playing for Ian Clarke twice. Got better just in time to have a great spring break. Visited Josh in J-ville. Got sick again. Turned 21, didn't get wasted but had a great party nonetheless.

April
Got waitlisted at Brevard and got really mad about it. Played for The Secret Garden. Received the Brautlecht Award. Mas n' Steel concert. Finished my research paper about Concierto de Aranjuez. Craig graduated. Discovered that the Rays were legit this year.

May
Worked a lot, started to develop the strong social circle that I have at home now. Listened to NPR a lot. Lots of natural disasters. Was scared about the fires in Brevard County. Got into American Idol. Watched a lot of baseball. Had another OPO audition, for second flute this time. Didn't perform well or even advance, fell into a musical depression. Made a good choice that I regretted later.

June
Vampire Weekend!! Still worked, listened to NPR, and watched Yankees a lot. Developed my friendship relationships further. Discovered a love of ultimate frisbee. Visited my relatives in Buffalo in my greatest trip ever.

July
Fourth of July at Cocoa like usual. Began serious studying for the GRE. Was thrown off course in my relationships. Began dating. Lots of social events. Met Liz Buck at Brevard and loved her. Went to Universal Studios. Had a very hard couple of days. For the first time in my life, was so distressed that I couldn't eat or sleep. Resolved the matter sufficiently but not happily.

August
Took the GRE. Escaped to Kansas City to concentrate on flute things. Met three potential teachers. Saw the Ritchie concerto performed. The Olympics started, Michael Phelps became a national hero. Hosted the barbecue, was wildly successful. School started, I made USO for the first time. Made it on to the sub list of a professional orchestra.

September
Was extremely absentminded the entire month, blamed it on having no responsibility over the summer. Went to the Rez and watched SNL every single Saturday. Started going to a different church. Some epic-ly beautiful weather. Had an extremely emotional experience. Became emo. Steve visited. Started to work on senior recital stuff.

October
A hard month emotionally. Lots of election hype. Amy Porter visited. Halloween Horror Nights and the THS band, loved to come home again, got my mind off of the sucky parts of life. Lots of grad apps. Tried to drink my troubles away on Halloween.

November
Gave my senior recital, it went very well. Got some kind of explanation. Obama became presiden-elect. Competed in the concerto competition, had a big letdown. A big recital months, supported a lot of colleagues. Saw the beavers. The Panama City USO trip. Drank my first beer. Got a ticket for turning right on red. Had a rad thanksgiving.

December
Did not have much schoolwork, became lazy in consequence. Had a good time nonetheless. Lot of Christmas parties. Sent my flute away. My mom graduated. Had a great Christmas. Lots of social events.

Went and bought a CD of an Icelandic minimalist/new age-y band, Sigur Ros, the other day. It's really awesome...probably my greatest discovery since Vampire Weekend.

Winter break is moving much too quickly. I am panicking!

You know something has gone amiss when you start thinking it's a good idea to sing Spice Girls songs at the top of your lungs.

Dear Life,
I like you. Do you like me? Check one
__yes
__no

Love,
Ashley

CHRISTmas is, as the song goes, the most wonderful time of the year. It doesn't matter what age you are. Getting together with family to celebrate the birth of Christ, eating and singing, telling stories and laughing together, exchanging presents...it doesn't get any better than that. I tell ya, it doesn't get any better than that.

My family sang the 12 Days of Christmas, and I caught it on tape. (I am the apartment cameraperson...it seems I have the same role at home too. That's cool.). It was glorious.

Santa got me a hot new long red winter coat with buttons down the front just like I asked for. So sweet. And WARM.

Tomorrow: boxing day!=shop till you drop (or until I get home)


-----------------------

Craig got a book called Piano Girl:
Dad: "Shouldn't you have gotten him Piano Boy?"

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Ugh, chick flicks. So unlike real life.

Years ago, I thought that high school was the good old days, and certainly they were some good times (SOME good times), but now I am convinced that the good old days are right now. I am so happy...I just don't know how my life could be any better than it is right now.

Because I know you are wondering, my top celebrity crushes (based on looks only, of course, because I am so shallow):

1) Orlando Bloom


2) James Franco (especially in this picture..Hottie McHotterson)


3) Elijah Wood


4) James Marsden


5) Nicholas D'Agosto (among other things, plays Hunter in The Office)


(This is my best post ever.)

BTW: the Christmas party was a great success, as it always is (and it's because of the guests, of course...not because of the host!). But it was...different this year. More...typical college party. Crazier. More alcohol. More loudness. Less conversation. I don't know, I'm not going to judge, it was just...different.

He's back! He's back! He's back!!!!
Time to practice!

He's still not back yet
I'm going crazy
I'm going crazy
I'm going insane

I miss my Burkart!
I'm falling behind
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL DAY

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I am so happy, so incredibly overjoyed for a friend of mine. To one who has always been there for me to help me to overcome so many obstacles, so many obstacles...I wish you God's blessing and all the joy in the world.
Way to go, my happy friend.

Today I rode my bike to Publix and then to Winn-Dixie to get some cookie-making supplies. It was a long trip. Good exercise.

Ultimate tomorrow, and hopefully I'll get my flute back.

Tonight I travelled the shores and walked on the sand.

Happy graduation, Mom! I'm proud of you!

It was a pretty great drive home. I didn't know how much I needed some alone time. In those five hours, all I have to do is to listen to music and think about things, so I did a great deal of both. Boy, if I could post on here during that drive, you would have a whole book to read by the end.

Five hours of time alone gives you an opportunity to transition. Like a rite of passage. I am entering my last semester at FSU. There is no possiblility that I will stay for another year or two. I'm leaving. And I have started to think about the future...
We look at our lives in the present. We rarely look at the possibilities that lie ahead of us. I have decided that my best moments--my happiest moments--are still yet to come. I'm 21 years old, and I probably haven't met yet the people who end up becoming the most important people in my life. I still have a lot of living left to do. And it is impossible to predict what is in store...for anybody! Isn't that exciting? You don't know what is going to happen!!!

(This is what Blue Cathedral, Rainbow Body, and Appalaichan Spring do to me. I had a good time.)

Hello, rest of my life.

Tonight's SNL off-the-wall musical skit about lamps reminded me of something I used to do back in the day. I called it an exercise in spontenaiety--basically I would try to write the most random things I could possibly think of, right on the spot. Anyone who didn't know me would doubt my sanity after reading one of these passages, but really it was a freeing thing to do--you should try sometime.

Anyway, I remember posting one in particular that got a lot of laughs at the time, so I think it's time for a repost. In honor of Amy Poehler's last night (sad face), here is my exercise in spontenaiety from September 2004:

Once upon a time in a faraway land there was a girl and her name wasn't Ashley or Ashlee or Ashely or even Ashleigh because those names are oh so overused. Indeed this girl's name was Lashley. One fair day she was wandering along an extremely straight road when suddenly she tripped over a toaster. Though quite puzzled that a toaster lay in the middle of the lonely road, she thought nothing of it and and proceeded to walk over it. That is, until the toaster grew and grew. The toaster then sprouted legs and arms and it picked Lashley up and ate her. As if that wasn't bad enough for the poor girl, the road moved and twisted in such a way that she no longer had any idea where she was anymore. And as if THAT wasn't bad enough, the toaster started to turn on the heat. Inside of the toasters toaster, Lashleigh struggled to free herself but to no avail. She was stuck, it seemed, to her death. But then something miraculous happened. A blade of grass from the neighboring lawn unrooted itself and began punching the toaster. The other blades of grass noted this action and soon the whole lawn was punching the toaster, demanding that it free Lashley. The toaster, quite perturbed, sprouted a mouth and demanded that the blades of grass perform a talent show before it freed Lashely. So they did. And indeed the grass had a lot of talent: one group of blades performed a rock concert, one blade calculated high-level Calulus problems in its head, another blade recited the entire dictionary from memory, and another troupe put on an entire circus for the toaster. And those listed were just some of the amazing acts in the show! The toaster grew increasingly astounded as it observed the shining talents of the grass. Of course, it had no idea that the lawn possessed so much talent. In return for such an amazing show, the toaster freed Lashlee and diminished its size. The blades of grass, who were ever-giving to the girl, showed her the way home, as the road had changed and she was rather lost. When Laashley arrived at her home, she snuggled into her bed, satisfied that she actually survived the whole ordeal. When she awoke the next day, she swallowed a spoon for good luck and the toaster never bothered her again. She later married the lawn, and they lived happily ever after.
The end.

I sent my baby away today. I hate this part, but it must be done.

I wonder if this is how parents feel when their kids go off to camp or something. Ha--what a comparison. But you know, the comparison isn't quite as ridiculously laughable as you would think. When people have children, the children become their LIFE. I don't have children, so I must have other important things in my life. High up in that list is my passion and my career, together in one topic--music. And though not having a flute may not damper my passion, it certainly can hurt my career.

Anyway...I miss him already. :(
Come back soon, Bernie Burkhart.

P.S. The Post Office on S. Adams St. gets two thumbs up! My shipping experience was a pleasure. I am impressed.

I love these crazy kids.

Mark and Jess are Jim and Pam because they terrorize Ashley, who is Dwight. I am the cameraperson because I am the uninvolved observer and I don't really take sides.

(I'm Michael too I guess, because as the oldest I am the boss--I have somehow become the unofficial leader of the apartment--and my job is to insert random funny comments into every conversation--kinda like my dad.)

Christmas with the apartment is a fun business.

What is the greatest threat to mankind?



ZZ Top.
It's a funny answer, okay?

My hands are cracking like woah. OUCH IT BURNS.

Winter does not agree with my ultra-dry skin. THIS IS WHY WE LIVE IN FLORIDA.

I just found some leftover biscuit and bacon on my desk that has been sitting there since breakfast 12 hours ago...and I ate it.

(They were delicious. Don't judge.)

You know, you expect some things to get easier with age and they just don't. You may not be quite as scared of the needle as you were as a kid, but it still hurts just as much when you get shots.

Must...practice...

On where I will be able to find an orchestra job:

A: "I'll probably end up in the worst city ever, like...Seattle or something."
J: "Maybe you'll find true love in Seattle."
A: "Who finds true love in SEATTLE?"
J: "Meg Ryan!...and Tom Hanks."
A: "As fictional characters?"
J: (nods) "pretty much..."

Lots of good things happened for me on this day a year ago.

Tomorrow my ultimate class is playing the other ultimate class (taught by the same teacher) in an ultimate battle of ultimate destiny. SHOW-DOWN. Hey look, I managed to write ultimate four times in a single sentence.

I don't know why I am so tired. I have literally no stress and I sleep 9 hours every night. Must be getting sick or something. BOO.

I bought a milkshake, and it did not bring any boys to the yard.

So I walked into my first class 15 minutes late today (::shakes fist at alarm clock::), and just as I was walking in, the teacher was saying, "well, that's about all I have for today." Then she smiled at me and thanked me for coming. And the whole class laughed. Impeccable timing, Ashley.

I guess it was bad and good...bad because I missed the entire content of the class, and good because I got more sleep while still making it in time to sign the roll sheet. Give and take.

Overall, I haven't had a good day, and I don't really know why. I could take a guess...

There are some things in life that people live with every day, and nobody ever notices that it is a burden except for that person. You know what I mean? If someone's hand is broken, and they can only write with their weak hand, sure, you'll notice that when you see the person. And you'll notice for a while how hard they have it. But when you part with that person to go on with the rest of your life, you no longer think about how hard it is to live with the use of only one hand...still, that doesn't change the fact that the burden is still there. That person is still only going to be able to use his weak hand, and he has to deal with that fact every second of every day until the cast comes off. That person is the only one who knows, who really knows the depth of difficulty in what he is dealing with. And I'm sorry, but there is no way you can understand how hard it truly is.

I think we all have a broken hand in some way or another, something that we have to deal with every second of every day, something that other people see and notice from time to time but will never truly understand.

I'm not a very good person. Just sayin.